


You're in my veins

by likelarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Cheating, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic descriptions of birth, Infidelity, Kid Fic, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mpreg Harry, References to Depression, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 53,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28746771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likelarry/pseuds/likelarry
Summary: Louis cheats on Harry after being married for twelve years. When Louis comes clean and asks to mend their relationship, Harry doesn't think he has it in him to do it, even if he is pregnant again.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Louis Tomlinson/Original Male Character(s), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 40
Kudos: 191





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is wild cos it's a cheating fic lol. But let me know what you guys think! I'm also working on an abo one that's also Mpreg Harry (are we surprised lol)

* * *

It's just past nine when Harry puts Adryan to bed. He kisses his son's hair twice before covering him up with a blanket and switching off the light. He leaves the door partially opened, as always and glances at Leo, just to check if he's still asleep. Harry smiles, hearing him snore softly. Quietly, he makes his way back downstairs and to the kitchen, switching the kettle on. He sighs, leaning against the counter and looking out the window above the sink.

He'd hoped, stupidly, that Louis would come home early today. He's promised to do so, so many times before. He's stopped promising now though. In fact, he doesn't say much to Harry anymore. He leaves early, kissing their kids on the cheek and sometimes Harry, if he's lucky, and he comes home when Harry is too tired to stay awake any longer. There's days when he comes early, to spend some time with the kids, and Harry appreciates that.

But he shouldn't have to appreciate his own husband doing bare minimum for their kids. He doesn't even do much for Harry anymore. Not that he's really the only one to blame anymore. Harry knows he's not. They've been married for twelve years, together for just over thirteen, it's normal that they drift apart for a little bit. But neither one of them did anything when it started happening. And then it started getting worse.

It leaves Harry here, alone in the middle of his kitchen — their kitchen— with a cup of tea in his hand and questioning why he still chooses to wait up for his husband anymore. Bitterly, he wonders if Louis even cares that he does.

At twenty to ten, Harry retires to bed. He has work in the morning and he has to get the kids ready for school and take them. He needs sleep— as much as he can get. He finds it hard nowadays to fall asleep.

Harry is not sure how he got here. Alone, in a bed that's supposed to be for his husband and him. 

___

The next morning is a rush as always. Blake and Leo take care of their own breakfast so he only has to worry about the two little ones. Vera, much like her father, hates waking up. So she's a terror in the morning.

"Do I have to go to school?" She whines, rubbing her eyes.

"Babe, it's Friday, come on. You know you have to go to school," he kisses her forehead, placing a bowl of oatmeal in front of her. "Eat up."

She huffs, reluctantly placing a spoonful in her mouth. He smiles at her before turning to his baby boy. "Adryan Tomlinson, will you please stop playing with your food?"

He smiles mischievously but listens to his dad anyways, eating his cereal properly.

"Leo, cake is not breakfast," Harry sighs, half-hearted and a little fond, "please eat something else. I'll pack some cake for you for lunch."

He pouts, pushing the plate aside. "It's left by the bread, dad. What did you expect?"

Harry rolls his eyes.

"Hello, my loves," Louis greets, trudging down the stairs and slipping on a blazer. He kisses each of the kids. Harry turns around, his back to them, cutting up some apples for the kid's lunches.

"Hi," Louis surprises him by kissing his cheek too, his hand resting on the small of Harry's back for a fraction of a second.

"Hi," Harry greets back, allowing himself to look at Louis properly, "you came home late yesterday."

You've been doing that for the past eight months, is what Harry wants to say. He doesn't though. 

"Yeah, sorry," Louis looks down at the counter, "did you pack everything for lunch?"

"Just cutting up some apples for Vera and Adryan," he explains, going back to cutting up the apples.

"Right," he clears his throat, "um, can we talk later today?"

Harry stops, looking up at Louis again. He searches Louis' eyes, finding an unreadable emotion. Slowly, he nods. "Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah, we'll just... we'll talk later, yeah?"

"What time is later?"

"I'll be back for supper but we can talk once the kids are asleep."

Harry's heart leaps to his throat. "It sounds pretty serious," he attempts to laugh, though it comes out really nervous more than anything.

Louis stares at him before shaking his head. "You know what, it can wait. We can talk tomorrow or over the weekend while the kids are at your mum's."

Harry frowns. "Louis, if it's important we can talk about it today and—"

"It's fine. It can wait for at least another day, honestly," he let's out a breath, "um, I'm going to leave now. Need anything?"

Harry bites his lip then shakes his head. "Try to come home for supper tonight anyways?" He asks, hoping he didn't sound to desperate.

Louis nods. "I'll be here," he says, sounding like another promise he'll break. But Harry holds onto the hope anyways.

Louis leaves for work and Harry leaves too, dropping their kids off before getting to work too. Of course, he doesn't really have it in him to focus on anything because his mind is replaying his conversation with Louis earlier. He seemed worried and anxious about something and Harry's mind starts to spiral.

For a while now, Harry's had suspicions about why Louis spends so much of time away. When he got a job at a law firm, Harry didn't realize the hours would be that demanding and, at first, it wasn't too bad. But then, it got worse and worse and now he comes home at eleven at night or later. He's not stupid but he doesn't want to believe that his husband, his Louis , could do something like that to him.

But what else could it be?

He hardly pays attention to his kids when he picks them up either. Even when he gets supper ready, when he cleans up the dishes, when he and Vera set the table, when he attempts to help Blake and Leo with their homework— he can't do _anything_ because he's worried, quite frankly.

Louis does join them for supper, just as they start eating. Harry had even forgotten that he promised he would. Louis smiles, greets them all much like he did in the morning, even with Harry, and sits down at the other end of the table.

"It's your favorite, papa," Vera says with a smile, bringing a forkful of pie to Louis' mouth.

Louis chuckles, taking the bite and chewing it. "Thank you," he says, swallowing, "how about I dish out some for myself now, ey?"

She giggles, letting him do it by himself. They sit mostly in silence, save for a few questions Louis asks the kids and they ask him. He asks Blake and Leo how school is going— he remembered that Blake was struggling with Maths— and he asks Vera if she's doing okay and finally to five-year-old Adryan, who only just started preschool. He smiles extra widely while Adryan answers. He still has a bit of a lisp while he speaks and they both find it endearing.

"How's work for you?" Louis asks. Harry almost misses the question. He doesn't realize it's directed at him until he notices that his kids are looking at him too.

"Oh, um, it's good. Can't say much about looking after kids at a daycare and preschool, can you?" He laughs. "Um, how's work going for you?"

"It's good," he looks down, "busy."

"Yeah," Harry replies, trailing off. They go back to small talk with the kids after that.

Louis goes up to shower after dinner, promising to bathe Adryan when he's back down. In the mean time, the kids help Harry put everything away and tidy up a bit.

"Papa should join us more often for dinner," Vera comments, handing Harry a washed cup to wipe.

"Yeah, I think so too," Blake adds with a small pout. It's crazy how much Blake looks like Louis. She and Leo both do, in fact. They both have caramel, feathery, thin hair and light blue hypnotizing eyes with a mischievous smile.

"Well, maybe you guys should tell him that," Harry suggests.

"We will," Vera says confidently, "and he'll listen to me 'cause I'm his favourite."

They all chuckle at that. Louis comes down just as they finish up, lifting up Adryan and making him giggle when he blows a raspberry on his tummy.

"Papa, stop," he squeals, pushing Louis' head away.

"I missed you, munchkin," he holds Adryan properly, kissing his head, "let's go give you a bath 'cause you're smelly," he wrinkles his nose.

Adryan laughs. "I like being stinky."

"Adryan," Louis gasps, walking up the stairs with him, talking animatedly. Harry smiles despite himself. He's still worried about whatever is coming tomorrow or Sunday but he'll force himself to wait until Louis brings it up again.

___

The next day, Louis wastes no time to getting what he wanted to speak about once the kids leave. As soon as they drop them off, Louis asks Harry to sit down at the dining table so they can talk. Harry swallows, doing as he was asked. He sits at the end while Louis sits adjacent to him but faces him, hands clasped over the table.

A feeling of dread fills his gut. He wills himself to push it away for now.

"We haven't been okay in a while," Louis starts off with, "and I know that you know this too."

"I do," Harry wrings his hands on his lap.

"Because we haven't been okay... I distanced myself from you and I know I did. I pushed you away and you did the same to me. We just... stopped working."

"We did," Harry admits quietly. He already feels a lump forming in his throat. He just doesn't know what to say. He feels like there's more that Louis wants to say too.

"And I... am not proud of what I did..." he looks down, his neck turning red.

"What did you do?" Harry asks, his breath caught in his throat.

"There's... someone else," he sighs, unable to look at Harry.

Harry feels the tears down his cheeks before he realizes he's crying.

"Harry, I'm sorry," Louis finally looks at him, "I'm so sorry, I really am. I never meant to hurt you." 

"That's bullshit," he laughs wetly, "if you never meant to hurt me, you wouldn't have done it in the first place."

"Harry, I really didn't. I'm so sorry. I couldn't take hiding it from you anymore."

Harry meets his gaze, icy and angry. "Anymore? How long have you been fucking this person behind my back?"

"Months," he answers vaguely. "Ten," he elaborates upon seeing Harry's face.

Harry squeezes his eyes shut, covering his trembling lips and holding back a sob.

"Harry, please listen to me. I really didn't think you'd care if I ever told you at one stage. That's how bad it was. I thought you won't care."

"Of course I fucking care," Harry snaps. "How can you— you have a fucking family, Louis. Even if you didn't consider me, you have a fucking family. You have four kids. Did that not ever occur to you while you were fucking someone else?"

Louis sighs, looking disappointed. "It did, It really did. I pushed the guilt away though, because I thought I deserved it."

"Deserved what?"

"The pleasure. The guilt. All of it," he shrugs, "but I realized that I had to tell you."

Harry stares off to the side, wondering how the fuck he got here. How he managed to have a cheating husband. How he never thought that could be either of them in their relationship. He stupidly thought they loved each other too much to even think about it. Apparently love wasn't enough to stop Louis from fucking some person behind his husband's back. Harry feels more tears wet his cheeks but he makes no move to wipe them away, his arms crossed over his chest instead.

"Say something, please," Louis begs, "what are you thinking?"

"How much of shit you gave Ed for cheating on his girlfriend," he smiles bitterly, "you remember that?"

Louis looks down.

"You even said that we should keep our distance from him after that because, and I quote, 'we don't want to be friends with people like that, do we?'" Harry laughs, the sound hollow and empty, "and now look at you."

"I know. I know I fucked up. It was killing me to keep it from you for so long."

Harry scoffs, looking away again. _His Louis._ His Louis just admitted to cheating on him. What the actual fuck? The same Louis who kissed him in the rain, cuddled him when he was ill, who made it 'snow' for their kids when they were sad, the same one who held Harry's hand through every birth, who doted over Harry through every single pregnancy, who encouraged him through his teaching degree when Harry decided he wanted to teach. Harry can't fucking comprehend this shit.

He's still crying. Harry knows his vision is blurred, his cheeks are stained and his ears are hot. But he doesn't care. He doesn't know what to do anymore. He's been blindsided by this, even if he did have his suspicions, and now his life is in shambles.

"Harry?" Louis asks again.

"Why did you do it?" He asks, through a sob. "We weren't perfect— we never were— but I never— I never even looked at someone else the way I look at you. How could you?"

"I told you, I pushed you away and I didn't think you'd care about us anymore— about me. I just didn't know what to do," he sighs helplessly, "and I fucked up and I know that."

"You have kids, Louis," Harry says, sniffling, "you didn't just do this to me, you did this to them too."

"I know, Harry. I'm so sorry."

"What do I even tell them? What did you want to happen after this, actually?"

Louis doesn't answer, he just looks down.

"Who is it?" Harry tacks on. "Do I know them?"

"He works with me," Louis says quietly, "you met him at our office Christmas party two years ago. His name is George."

Harry remembers him. Louis held Harry's hand at that party and introduced him to George as 'my lovely husband, Harry," and Harry remembered thinking that there was something off about him. He even mentioned it to Louis but Louis shrugged it off, saying George was a nice guy.

"Get out of the house by tomorrow morning," Harry says after a few minutes, uncrossing his arms and standing up.

"Harry—"

"I need space. I don't want to be around you. That's the least you can do for me," he say sharply before walking out of the dining room and up the stairs. Once in the room— their room— he completely breaks down, sitting against the door and sobbing into his knees till he can't breathe anymore.

Part of him knew, is the thing. He had a feeling but he didn't want to believe that the love of his life could do something like that. They were so good together. Sure, Harry got pregnant within the first year that they met but it wasn't like they forced themselves to be in a relationship after that. He even gave Louis an out. He told Louis he doesn't expect him to be there and that they're young; they didn't plan to have kids. But Louis insisted that he wanted to stay. He said he loved Harry and they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. And then they got engaged and married while Harry finished up his degree and then he got pregnant again.

And now he ruined everything. He couldn't keep it in his fucking pants and ruined it. It's pathetic because Harry still loves him more than anything. He's still in love with Louis, as much as the day they got engaged, had a baby, hell, even met. But Louis doesn't love him anymore. He cheated on Harry with some guy he's known for barely two years while Harry was at home, waiting for him like a fool. He was being played for fucks sake.

What does he do from here? Louis fucks up and Harry is the one left picking up the pieces. How is that fair?

____

Louis calls the next day and the only reason Harry answers is to tell him not to pick up the kids and stay away from all of them. Before Louis even has a chance to respond, Harry hangs up. He only leaves his bed at eleven and for the kids at midday. As soon as his mum opens the door, her smile falls.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

He tries to hold it together. He really does. But he immediately starts to cry when the words leave her mouth. Harry almost collapses into her. She holds him tightly, rubbing his back.

"What's wrong?" She asks again.

"He cheated on me. He's been cheating on me. The lying fucking bastard," he wails into his mother's blouse.

"What?" She pulls him away, looking at him intently, "Louis?"

Harry nods, wiping his eyes.

"Daddy!" Adryan yells, running towards Harry. He hugs Harry's legs tightly. "Daddy, I missed you."

"Hey, baby," Harry wipes his face more vigorously, bending down to kiss his hair.

"Hey, love," Anne places a hand on Adryan's shoulder, "why don't you go play with your sisters and brother for a bit while your dad and I have some tea?"

Adryan frowns, looking up at his dad. "Daddy?"

"Just for a little bit, baby. Please?"

His frown deepens but he nods anyways. "Okay. But don't finish all the biscuits."

Harry chuckles. "Okay, love. Promise I won't."

"Okay, have fun," he grins, "I'll see you just now."

He leaves Harry with a kiss on his knee and runs off. Harry smiles at him before looking at his mum again.

"Tea?"

"Tea," Harry agrees.

"What's happened, love?" She asks, putting the kettle on.

Harry sits on one of the kitchen stools and sighs, rubbing his temple. His lips tremble. "He's been cheating on me," he repeats, "for the past ten months."

Her eyes widen. "Ten months? Louis?"

Harry nods.

"I just— I can't believe it," she shakes her head, "when did you find out?"

"He told me he wanted to talk to me and he came clean yesterday," Harry swallows, his throat itchy and eyes dry, "mum, what did I do?" He sobs. "Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Oh, baby, no," she comes to his side of the island, holding him close, "don't ever say that, you hear me? This is not your fault."

"It is though," Harry sniffs, wiping his nose, "I pushed him away and I didn't do anything to save us."

"That doesn't give him to right to cheat on you," she says sternly, holding him by his shoulders, "there's two people in a relationship, sweetie."

"Why did he do it, mum?" Harry sniffles, "he ruined our family."

"I'm so sorry," she sighs, grabbing a tissue and handing it to him. Harry thanks her, wiping his nose properly.

"Where is he right now?" She asks, going back to the kettle and pouring them into mugs.

"I don't know. I don't care. I told him to leave," Harry grimaces, "I can't even look at him."

She hands him a cup of tea. "God, I can't believe he did that," she looks at him, "I never would have thought."

"I don't know what to do, mum," he croaks out, "what do I tell the kids? What do I even say to Louis? I don't want to see him again. He hurt me. He hurt us."

"What do you want to do, love? Do you want to end things?" She asks.

A lump grows in his throat. "How can I be with him after this?" He let's out a bitter laugh, "I don't even know if he still wants to be with me."

"He hasn't said so?"

Harry shakes his head. "He came clean, said he's sorry. He made no attempt to fix anything," the realization hits him, "oh my god, he's going to leave me to be with that—that guy."

"Harry, you don't know that," she grabs his hand, "you two will have to talk things out."

"I can't," he squeezes his eyes shut, "I need some space from him. I can't think about all of this right now. I can't look at him— I can't even be around him."

"I understand," she nods, "but either way, you're going to be okay, yes? I'm here for you, so is Gem. You have wonderful friends too."

"They're our friends," he frowns, "I don't want to drag them into the middle of this. I'm just— I'm worried about the kids, mostly. I mean, they're used to Louis hardly being there but not being... like, away completely."

"It's okay, love. Everything will be okay," his mum squeezes his hand again, "you'll figure this out."

Harry nods but he doesn't believe it. He can't. He doesn't even know how to process this properly.

"Daddy?" Adryan appears at the threshold of the kitchen, "can I have some biscuits now?"

Harry smiles, nodding. "Come here, love," he pats his lap. Adryan grins, running to him. Harry lifts him up so that he's on Harry's lap. Anne passes them a container of biscuits.

"What do we say?" Harry prompts, holding him tightly. He smiles, amused, as Adryan dips his biscuit into Harry's tea.

"Thank you, nan," he says with a smile, mouthful of biscuits.

"You're welcome, darling," she pinches his cheeks.

"No talking with your mouth full, remember?" Harry admonishes, grabbing a paper towel from beside him and wiping Adryan's face.

"Sorry," he says, again his mouth is full. He giggles. Harry shakes his head, moving some of his hair from his forehead and kissing the skin twice.

His mum gives him a look, probably to ask if he wants to talk more but then Vera comes in. "Daddy," she gasps excitedly, hugging him, "why are you hiding here?" She asks with a giggle.

"I'm not hiding," Harry laughs, "I'm just talking to nan."

"Well, why is Adryan getting biscuits and not me?" She asks, frowning at her brother chewing on his second tea-dunked biscuit.

"It's all here, love. Help yourself," Anne pushes the container towards her. She grins, sitting down next to her dad and pulling the container towards her.

"Where's Blake and Leo?" Harry asks.

"Leo came down to the kitchen to get some water," Vera explains, eyebrows furrowed, "I thought he was with you."

Harry's eyes widen. "No, he didn't— we didn't see him." He turns to his mum in question. She shakes her head, shrugging.

"Blakie is upstairs, playing with her phone," Vera says, "maybe Leo went back upstairs too."

"I'll go check," Anne volunteers, placing her mug down and trudging out the kitchen. Harry chews on the inside of his cheek. If Leo came downstairs, there's a chance that he might have heard what they were talking about and that's not what he wanted. He still didn't even know how he was going to tell them anything, hell, what he would even tell them, but this is definitely not ideal. And he's thirteen, he'd definitely understand what they were talking about.

"Your eyes are all red," Vera says, looking at him carefully, "are you okay, daddy?"

Harry smiles softly. "I'm fine, babe. Just a little tired."

"Okay," she smiles back, going back to the biscuits.

"Daddy, m'full," Adryan says, looking up at him.

Harry kisses his nose. "Okay, do you want some of my tea? Or would you like something else?"

"I'll have some tea," he grabs Harry's tea, carefully bringing it up to his lips and taking a sip. Harry's hand stays underneath the mug, just in case. He's five but he's pretty tiny. And his hands are also tiny.

"Where's papa? Is he at work again?" Vera asks, already looking disappointed.

"He's busy," Harry answers vaguely, "sorry, babe."

"Well, when can we see him again? Is he gonna be at home?"

Harry sighs. "Not today, love. You'll see him soon."

Realistically, he can't keep Louis away from their kids, as much as he wants to. One, because he literally has no right to. They aren't divorced or anything so he can't do that. Not yet, at least. The thought makes his shudder. And two, their kids adore Louis, obviously. That's their father. He can't stay away for too long without them asking questions. Hell, Vera already is.

"Hi," Blake greets him, coming to his side of the island and kissing his cheek.

"Hi, lovely," he opens up his free arm for a hug that she falls into. "Did you have fun at nans?"

She nods, pulling away. "We made muffins," she grins, "let me give you one." She already moves to grab another container before Harry can even respond.

"Hi, Leo," Vera says with a big smile. Leo walks in, looking a little like he's seen a ghost. Fuck.

"Hey," Harry greets, "come here, love."

Leo walks to his dad. When he reaches Harry, he hugs him tightly, burying his face into Harry's neck.

Harry rubs his back. "You okay, bud?" He feels Leo nod against him.

"Are you?" He whispers.

Harry nods without even thinking twice. "I'm good."

Leo pulls away, looking at him. His eyes also look a little red. Harry hates it. He probably did hear what they spoke about.

"Leo, I'm okay. We'll talk later, okay?" Harry says quietly, running his hand through Leo's hair and resting it on the side of his face. Leo nods. He still looks like he wants to cry. "Leo, it's okay," he reassures him with a smile, "we'll talk later, okay?"

"Okay," he says, hugging Harry again. Harry sighs softly. He definitely, _definitely_ heard them talking. Harry meets his mum's eyes over Leo's shoulder. She gives him a sad look. He nods, looking away and hugging Leo properly.

"Stop, Leo. Too much," Adryan complains, pushing his brother away.

They all laugh at that. "Adryan," Harry scolds, looking down at him, "he's just hugging me."

"It's too long and he's making me stinky," he grimaces.

Harry snorts, kissing his head. "You're something else."

Leo rolls his eyes. "You're already stinky," he says, ruffling Adryan's hair.

Adryan whines, looking at his dad for help. Harry pouts and does the same thing then kisses him on his head.

"Dad?" Blake asks, pushing a container with mini muffins towards him.

"You made these, Blake?" He asks happily, scanning them. They look like they're blueberry. Louis' favourite, he thinks off-handedly.

"Yeah, with nan. Come on, taste them," she urges, picking one out and practically feeding it to Harry. He laughs around the bite, chewing it slowly.

"It's great," he says honestly.

"Yes," she cheers, going to close the tin, "I'm gonna take the rest home for papa."

Harry's smile dulls a bit.

"Are we going home now?" Vera asks, her legs swinging back and forth in the stool.

"Yeah, we'll go home. Did you guys have lunch?"

They shake their head.

"Why don't you and the kids stay for some lunch and then you can leave?" Anne suggests.

"Oh, please? Nan's food is the best!" Vera delights.

"Hey, what's wrong with my food?" Harry asks, offended.

"It's good but it's not nans good."

Sassy little thing, she is.

"Okay, well, there's some of the casserole I froze last week. I can heat that up?" Anne asks.

"Yeah, that's okay," Harry nods.

So, they heat up a casserole and it's amazing. Vera is right, he can never compete with his mum's food. When they get home, Harry suggests that they watch a movie together. He needs a distraction and spending time with his kids is going to do that. He can do that. He can focus on his kids. They all snuggle up to Harry, putting on _Charlie and The Chocolate Factory_ with a bowl of popcorn in the middle.

Harry holds them close. He cherishes this moment because he doesn't know when he can have this again. They're going to be sad for a while. All of them. Because Harry has to tell them what's happened, especially Blake and Leo. They're teenagers now — they can understand. What he's going to say, how he's going to say it and when, he doesn't know yet. For now, this is all Harry can manage.

Harry calls Leo aside right before they go to bed to speak to him. He looks at Harry with wide eyes, a little scared and a little sad. Harry doesn't want to see his kids like this. Leo sits opposite him in their kitchen.

"You heard what nan and I were talking about, huh?" Harry decides to just get out with it.

He nods.

"What exactly did you hear, love?"

Leo shrugs, ears going red. "That you can't look at paps, that he ruined our family and that he— he, um cheated on you. Is that— is that true, dad?"

Harry sighs. Fuck. "Leo, look, it's really complicated, okay? It's not... you don't have to worry about any of this. Your paps and I will sort it out, yeah?"

Leo looks worried, eyebrows furrowed. "He hurt you," he says, voice cracking, "why did he hurt you?"

Harry tears up. He can't stand seeing his son like this. "Baby, it's okay. It's just— it's complicated," he sighs, helpless, "don't— it's okay."

"It's not okay," he says fiercely, cheeks turning pink, "I've lost all respect for him."

Harry's body sags. "Leo, no. Hey, he's your father, okay? You don't have to worry about all of this. It's not—" he bites his lip, "let us deal with this, okay? Don't say that, love."

Leo crosses his arms over his chest and looks to the side, much like Harry does when he's frustrated or overwhelmed. "Where is he now?"

"He's away for a bit because I said I wanted space," Harry says honestly. Maybe he shouldn't be telling his thirteen-year-old son this. "Look, we're gonna sort this out between us. You don't have anything to worry about. You're a child, Leo. I don't want you worrying about all of this."

"Does that mean you're getting divorced?" Leo asks, tears falling down his cheeks.

"Leo, please don't worry about any of that," Harry huffs, moving to Leo and hugging him, "your dad and I haven't even spoken properly yet, okay?"

He sobs into Harry's chest, making Harry cry even more. "I'm s-sorry," he sobs into Harry's chest. 

"Why are you sorry? Hey?" He pulls Leo away from his chest to look at him. "You're okay, Leo. Everything will be okay, no matter what happens. Your paps and I both love you so much. But you need to leave this for the adults to handle, okay? Don't eavesdrop next time either."

Leo blushes, looking down. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Harry says easily, "but I promise you, Leo, everything will be okay. We'll love you no matter what, yeah?"

Leo nods then hugs Harry again, as tight as he did earlier. Harry sighs softly, kissing his head. "You're all right, love. Everything will be all right." Harry wishes he could believe it for himself. No matter what though, he has to make sure his kids are okay before anything else. He doesn't want this for them. They deserve better.

____

Louis tries to contact him for the next week but Harry doesn't answer any of his calls, texts or even emails. On a Monday, just over a week later, Harry starts receiving gifts from the reception, from Louis. It frustrates him to no end. Buying Harry with material shit? Like flowers and fucking chocolate. It doesn't matter if they're Harry's favourites.

Zayn contacts him, asking Harry what's happening because apparently, Louis has been crashing at Niall's for the past week and a half. So, Harry tells him. He doesn't care. He's embarrassed but he doesn't care. Louis did this. Louis ruined it. Zayn is so shocked, he can't even reply after Harry tells him everything. Zayn just says he can't believe it, and offers Harry a shoulder to cry on if he needs one.

"What are you gonna do then?" Zayn asks gently.

"I don't know," Harry huffs, pinching the bridge of his nose, "fuck— it's so hard. He's just put me in such a hard fucking situation."

"I know, I know," Zayn sighs, "I can't even imagine."

"But I have to make a decision," Harry says, "the kids... they're asking about Louis and I can't keep him away from them any longer."

"Right. Well, um, do they know anything at all?"

"Leo knows everything," Harry huffs sadly, "he heard me talking to my mum but I told him not to tell any of the others. Though, he might have told Blake, honestly. Those two talk about everything."

"Fuck, that must have been hard for him," Zayn says.

"Yeah, he didn't take it well. He's angry at Louis but I don't, like, want to get the kids involved, you know? He's still their father."

"I get that. I just— I'm so sorry, H. I can't believe him. Does Niall know?"

Harry shrugs. "I'm assuming, since he's staying there. I assumed he would be with his bloody fuck buddy."

"Why? Did he say he wants to be with this guy?"

"He didn't really say anything except that he's sorry and it just happened," Harry scoffs.

"Well, I think you two do need to talk a bit more and sort things out but I understand that it's hard. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

"Harry," Zayn says, after a moment of silence.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to still be with him?"

"I don't know," Harry says honestly, "I don't know anything."

Zayn's only response is a sigh. Harry can relate.

___

Harry agrees to meet with Louis for lunch on Friday to sort out something with the kids. He's not a monster. He knows he misses the kids and the kids miss him too. Though his mood is already dull because he's been throwing up violently the whole morning for no apparent reason. He blames it on the stress.

He just ordered a green tea to soothe his stomach when Louis walks in. Harry doesn't bother getting up. Louis sits opposite him wordlessly.

"Hey," Louis greets him softly, "thanks for meeting with me."

Harry nods, only glancing at him. "I ordered something if you want to..."

"Right, uh, I'll just order something too then," he says, getting a waiters attention.

After he's ordered a meal and a drink, he folds his arms over the table and leans forward. "How have you been doing?"

Harry snorts, looking up at him. "Peachy. How about you? Run back to George yet? Or did you find someone new already?"

Louis' face falls. "Harry, I'm not with George. I didn't— I don't want to be with him."

"Oh, ten months doesn't exactly scream non-committed does it?" Harry raises an eyebrow at him.

"I know it doesn't seem like it but I— I thought I loved him, I did," he swallows. Harry doesn't want to hear anymore of it. "But I realized that it never was love and I was just being an idiot. Fuck. You have no idea. I just liked the attention, as immature and childish as that sounds, I liked the attention."

Harry squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry. "I didn't agree to meet with you so I can hear more of your bullshit," he spits out, "I agreed to meet with you so we can sort out stuff with the kids."

Louis purses his lips but nods. Harry isn't used to that. Louis always fights back. And he'll come back harder. "I want to see them, Harry," he says, "I know I fucked up so badly but I miss my kids."

Harry rolls his eyes. He can't help himself. "You do realize that you were barely there in the first place, right?"

Louis looks like he's been hit. He blinks. "I didn't— I know I should have been there more. But they're still my kids, H. I want to see them."

Harry bites his tongue. He knows the kids want to see him too. "Leo knows," he says, "about everything that happened with us."

Louis frowns this time. "What?"

"He heard me talking to my mum about it and, uh, yeah he knows."

"Well, what did you tell him?" Louis asks, worried.

"I didn't know what exactly to tell him, honestly. I just... I said that he shouldn't worry about anything like that and that we'd sort things out, basically."

Louis nods, wiping over his mouth and letting out a sigh. "Right."

"Sorry. I just didn't know what else to say."

"No, fuck," he shakes his head, "it's okay. We will deal with this between ourselves. He doesn't need to be involved in any of this."

"Exactly."

"Okay, I— um, how was Blake's maths test? I wanted to call and ask her but I didn't know if, um, if I'd be allowed to."

"She said it was okay," Harry replies, choosing to ignore the second part of the sentence.

"Good. And Vera, that friend of hers? Is she still having trouble with her?"

"She's your child. What do you think?" Harry asks, a little light-hearted.

Louis cracks a smile. "You're right. And Leo is okay with guitar? Adryan, he's okay?"

"They're fine. Adryan is as talkative as ever. He's turning into Vera, honestly," Harry laughs a little, "and Leo is still... a little off but he's better."

"Good," Louis takes a sip of water, "Harry, what do you want us to do from here?"

"What do you mean?"

"About us. I— I love you. I should have said that more often. I should have said that the day I told you about everything. But I do love you. I think that," he licks his lips, "we fell out of love but I didn't realize that it didn't mean I didn't love you. You're still the love of my life. You always will be. I want us to work things out because I still believe that. I just lost sight of that for a while. I'm not— I'm not pressuring you, I hope you know, I just want you to know that I'm willing to do anything to work things out. I don't want to lose you."

Harry sighs. "Louis, you can't just say things like that," he swallows, "I don't trust you anymore, Louis. You broke every single promise you've ever made to me, do you realize that?"

"I know that. Fuck, do I know that. But I wanna make it better," he says desperately.

"You just admitted to me that you thought you fell in love with someone else," Harry says dryly, "don't even get your hopes for fixing anything at this point."

Louis' eyes go wider. "Harry, I'll give you your space— however much you need, but don't do this. Please, baby."

Harry's heart constricts. "You haven't called me that in almost a year, do you know that?"

Louis' eyes swarm with guilt. "I didn't realize it's been that long..."

"Is it because you called him that?" Harry chews on his bottom lip to stop himself from crying.

"No," Louis shakes his head, "and I'm sorry I ever stopped."

"You're sorry about a lot of things," Harry scoffs, "and you're only using that against me now. That's not how it works, Louis. You can't just sweet talk me and think everything is going to be okay."

"Then what do I need to do? _Tell me_ and I'll do it, Harry. We can— we can try therapy? I don't know, whatever you want to do, we can do it. I want you, Harry. Only you."

"I can't do this right now, Louis," Harry allows himself to tear up, "I don't know what's going to happen with us but we didn't come here to talk about us. You want to spend some time with the kids. You can come over this weekend. I'll try and be out of your hair; maybe I'll see Mum so you won't have to worry about that."

"You don't have to go out of the house," Louis frowns. Harry can tell he wants to say more, probably about them but Harry _can't_ do it. He can't.

"I do have to," Harry says, "I can't even look at you anymore, Louis."

Louis gives him a sad look. "I know. Harry, I know and I'll never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did. For doing what I did."

"Come over tomorrow morning. You can bring whatever you need to or take them wherever. Just tell me where you're taking them beforehand."

Louis' body sags. "I'll let you know."

Harry nods. He takes another sip of his green tea.

"Is this what it's going to be like from now on? Setting up dates to meet the kids?"

"I don't know, Louis. Probably," he sighs.

"Harry, what is it going to take for you to forgive me? For us to work things out? I love you so much."

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose. "That's not fair, Louis. You've just ruined our whole fucking life, do you realize that? And now the pressure is on me to, what? Fix things? Come running back into your arms? You're a totally different person to me now, Louis. The Louis that I love, the one that I married, the father of our kids— he would never do that to me, to us," Harry cries again, much to his dismay, "so just please give me some fucking time, that's the least you can do for me. Please."

Louis looks apologetic. "I am so sorry, Harry. You have to know— fuck. Okay. If that's what you need, then that's what you'll get. You're right. I'm sorry. I'll— I'll come over at about ten tomorrow, yeah? Is that— is that okay?"

Harry nods. A wave of nausea hits him suddenly. He grimaces, drinking more of his tea.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Harry says, a little more sharply than he intended.

Louis nods, backing down.

"I think I'm gonna go," Harry says, "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Wait— are you not eating anything?" Louis asks, watching him get up with a confused look on his face.

"Don't feel like it," he mumbles, pulling out some money from his wallet and placing it on the table, "bye, Louis."

He doesn't stick around to see Louis' expression. Harry turns around and leaves the café, not looking back.

___

"Is he going to bring us presents?" Vera asks excitedly, bouncing on her feet.

"Why would he bring you presents, bub?" Harry asks, running a brush through her hair.

"Because that's what he always does when he's away for a long time. Business meetings, remember?"

Harry remembers but all he can think about now is how many of those 'business meetings' he went to were actual business meetings and how many of those did he spend with fucking George. And he bought them presents to make up for being a shitty father and husband.

"Ow, dad," Vera whines, "you hurt me."

"Sorry," Harry stops, kissing her hair, "why is your hair so knotted anyways?"

"Blake tried to teach Leo how to braid my hair," she grumbles.

Harry snorts. "Why?"

"I don't know. Leo said he needs to learn these things. I have no idea what 'these things' mean," she giggles, "but he didn't do a very good job."

Harry pauses again. He sighs. He's been doing that a lot lately. "Can I tie your hair up?"

"Yeah," she nods. Harry puts her hair into a high ponytail then goes to find Leo. Leo, unlike his other kids who are waiting in the lounge for Louis to come, is waiting in his room.

"Hey, Leo," Harry knocks on the door.

Leo looks up from his book, smiling at Harry. "Hey, dad."

"You not waiting downstairs?" He asks, walking to him.

He shakes his head, looking down.

"Why, bud?" Harry asks, sitting at the foot of his bed.

He shrugs, playing with the thread on his jeans.

"Leo, he's still your paps," Harry says gently, "he still loves you."

Leo, much to Harry's horror, starts to cry. Harry wastes no time, hugging him tightly.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"How am I supposed to be okay with him after knowing he hurt you, dad?" He sniffs.

Harry's heart aches. "I'm okay, love. Please don't worry about me. Just spend some time with your paps, yeah?"

He pulls away from Harry, shaking his head. "I hear you every morning, dad. I can hear you throwing up and I hear you crying sometimes. Blake heard it too."

Harry rubs his palms over his face. He has a good guess as to why he's been throwing up, actually. It hit him yesterday, after he left the café but he really doesn't want to think about that right now. "Leo, listen," he faces his son, "I'm okay. I'm hurt but I'll be okay. I don't want you to put any burden on yourself. Just because you're the oldest, doesn't mean you have to put the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't worry about this, please. These are meant to be adult issues and we'll deal with them accordingly. You don't have to worry about me."

"But I'm old enough, dad. You can talk to me. I can help," he says, almost desperately.

"Sweetheart, if there's anything you need to know, I'll tell you, okay?" He wipes his son's tears. "I love you, okay? And so does paps and that's all you need to worry about. That's all that matters." 

Leo sighs, like he feels defeated. "What am I supposed to do when I see him?"

Harry's heart aches all over again. "Do you miss him, Leo? You can be honest with me."

"I did but I shouldn't," he sniffles.

"You can. Leo, god. He's your father. Of course you're allowed to miss him. I still miss him," Harry laughs, a little pathetically, "so it's okay. You don't have to force yourself to feel anything you're not."

"But I'm mad at him," he wipes his tears away angrily.

"And that's okay. I am too. But you're his son, Leo. It's okay to be mad and miss him. But none of this involves you, yes? He hurt us, I know, but that's for your paps and I to sort out. Okay?"

"Okay," he agrees, looking a little reluctant, "where are you going now?"

"I'm going to see uncle Zayn for a bit," Harry kisses his forehead, "he's been meaning to talk to me."

"Okay," Leo leaps forward and hugs him tightly, "I love you, dad."

Harry hugs him back equally as tight. "I love you too. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, you have no idea."

"It's okay. It's not your fault," he huffs, pulling away.

"Baby, it's a lot more complicated than you think, okay?" He smiles, "but everything will be okay. I promised you that, didn't I?"

He nods.

"And I intend to keep that promise," he says fiercely, "we'll all be okay."

"Okay."

Harry holds out his pinky.

Leo rolls his eyes. "Don't you think I'm too old for pinky promises?"

"Have I ever broken one?" He raises an eyebrow at him.

"No," he sighs, "fine."

He links their pinkies. "Good," Harry places a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Also, you don't need to learn how to braid your sister's hair, love."

Leo flushes. "It's just nice to know," he shrugs.

"Well, if it's because you're genuinely interested in it, then go for it. But you don't _need_ to know how to do anything. You can help me cook now and then because you know I run out of ideas pretty quickly."

He laughs. "Okay, I will."

Harry convinces him to go downstairs and wait with his siblings. Not long after that, Louis comes in. He's bombarded by their kids. And Louis hugs them all back, kissing them all over, making them giggle.

"I missed you guys so much," Louis let's out a breath. Harry has to look away. He notices Leo standing away, looking hesitant.

Harry gives him a look, titling his head towards Louis and the others. Leo nods. Louis stands up, looking at Leo.

"Hey, bud," Louis says, looking a little nervous.

"Hi," Leo swallows.

"Come here," Louis beckons him over, opening up his arms. Leo steps to him, hugging him. Harry can see Louis' body sighing in relief.

Harry takes a breath. "Um, I'm going to go," Harry picks up his keys, "Louis, just text me, yeah?"

Louis purses his lips, nodding. His eyes still have a pleading look that's hard to ignore but it only agitates Harry.

"Bye, my loves," Harry bends down a little to hug the little ones then Blake and Leo. Those two are getting way too tall. "I'll see you later."

Harry gives Louis a look of sorts, as a goodbye, before heading out.

He meets Zayn at his place. Liam is away on a work trip and the kids are at their gran's. Zayn wastes no time in comforting Harry, with food, with hugs, with words— everything. Harry isn't going to complain because Zayn is an amazing cook.

"I still can't believe he's done that, you know? Neither can Liam. We're just really shocked about all of it."

"Me too," Harry rubs his temples, "I still can't even, like, comprehend it. My Louis? He did that? It's just... insane. But then it makes me think, like, I must have really fucked up to have pushed him to do something that."

Zayn stares at him incredulously. "Harry, he did this all on his own accord. He's a grown ass man who can make his own decisions. If he really felt that you were pushing him away, he could have come to you and spoke about it like a decent human being, not fucked someone else. For months, might I add," he scoffs.

Harry knows he has a point. A good, valid point. "I could have approached him about it too."

"You could have," Zayn agrees, "but you didn't cheat on him, that's the difference."

Harry sighs. "I'm so confused, Zayn. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. My son," he laughs, hollow and sad, "he's putting so much of pressure on himself about how he should feel and act about all of this and I hate it. He's my baby. He shouldn't be doing things like that."

"Leo?" Zayn asks. Harry nods. "He's just like you, in that sense, you know? He puts everyone else before himself. He's just worried about you."

"But he shouldn't be!" Harry says, frustrated, "he's thirteen— he's a teenager, he should be worrying about.. I don't know, his favourite bands new album, or his schoolwork. Fuck. Not this shit."

"Maybe he needs to talk to someone about this?" Zayn suggests.

"Like a therapist?"

Zayn nods. "It's clear that it's bothering him and I don't think anything you say is going to make it okay, no offense, so I think he might need to talk to someone about this."

Harry bites his lip. "If we do get divorced, they'll probably all have to go, even if it's for a little bit."

"But you're not sure if that's what you want yet, right?" Harry nods. "Well, I think Leo does need to go. Does Blake know too?"

"Doesn't seem like it."

"Okay, well, I think you should consider it."

"You're right," Harry huffs, "I'll talk to him about it and find a therapist. Probably will have to talk to Louis too. God this is such a mess," he covers his face with his hands, "I never wanted this for my kids— they don't deserve this. I feel like such an awful parent."

"You're absolutely not," Zayn grabs his wrist, pulling his hands away from his face, "if anything Louis is the one that's a horrible parent. I mean honestly. Who does that shit to their _kids_?"

Harry shakes his head. "Anyways, I need to sort this shit out because now it's on me. He wants to work on things. He said so when I met yesterday but I," he sighs, "I can't do it, Zayn. If I think about us trying to work things out, being the way we were, I feel like I'm... I dunno... betraying myself? My kids? He's a liar. He's a cheat. How can I let someone like that back into my life as if he hasn't done a thing."

"I understand," Zayn says, "I do know a few couples that try therapy. So, if you do decide that that's what you want, because I know you still love him, you can maybe try that?"

"You're all for therapy aren't you?" Harry smiles a bit. "You're right. I just need more time... I think."

"Yeah," Zayn pats his back, "hey, let's get your mind off things, yeah? I got some ice cream too."

Harry perks up. "I'm interested. Let's pig out then."

"Atta boy," he pinches Harry's cheek and gets up, "I'll go bring it."

Two pints of ice cream later, Harry is sitting opposite Zayn at their kitchen table, laughing at a joke he'd just made. It feels good to laugh.

"It feels good to laugh," he voices, "thank you. I've been crying way too much."

Zayn looks at him sadly. He drops the spoon into the bowl, standing up straight.

"Look, I don't want you to take this as me pushing you to do anything or whatever but my uncle, he works in a law firm. Family law," Zayn pulls out a card from his pocket, "this is his contact details if you want to speak to him about anything."

Harry takes the card, feeling a little numb. Is this what he wants? They'd only just spoken about how confused he is.

"I know you haven't decided what you want to do yet, and I'm sure the kids plays big part in that. So maybe at least talking to him will give you some clarity. It may help you make your decision."

Harry nods, feeling numb and robotic. Too much ice cream might have numbed his fingers too.

"I know this must be hard for you, like I said, Harry so don't rush anything if you don't want to. But I'm sure the longer you get stuck into this limbo of just... not knowing where you stand, it'll take a toll on you."

"I think I might be pregnant," Harry blurts out.

Zayn's eyes widen. "What? With— is it Louis'?"

Harry nods, lips trembling.

"He slept with you while he was fucking someone else?" He scoffs in disbelief. "Unbelievable."

"He wasn't before that," Harry let's out a humorless laugh, wiping his cheeks, "I kind of initiated it, hoping it could, I don't know, help sort out our relationship in a way? Before that, it had been months that we haven't been intimate and I just— I missed him," he sobs, "I still do miss him and I feel pathetic about it and now I'm pregnant again and it makes everything so much more complicated."

"Fuck, Harry," Zayn hugs him, "it's going to be okay, yeah? What's, um, what's your stance on the whole pregnancy thing though? You can always get an abortion?"

Harry huffs, pulling away. "Yeah, I suppose that's an option. It's just... we've always wanted five kids, you know? We kind of agreed on that number," he laughs, a little nervously, "is that stupid?"

"It's not stupid. But hey, you haven't confirmed anything yet. It could be a false alarm." Zayn sighs, sitting down next to him.

Harry chews on his lip. Zayn is right. It could be. Harry feels like it isn't though. After some silence, Harry speaks again.

"What would you do?" Harry asks him, "you and Li have two kids, what would you do if he cheated on you?"

Zayn bites his lip, sighing. "I think I'd be just as destroyed as you are," he licks his lips, "but I don't know if I'd be able to stay with him, honestly."

"Really? But you guys love each other. Wouldn't you want to work on things?"

Zayn shrugs. "I think as much as I would want to try, I don't think it could work out, I mean ten months. That's a long time. I can't take a risk. What if he does it again, then what? It's not like I'd trust him not to. And the girls would get caught up in it. I don't know, it would be a mess. I love him, but I'm a dad too. My kids come before anyone else, even him. Divorce, as bad as it may be, it doesn't necessarily mean it'll emotionally traumatize and stunt your kids, you know? They'd have to go to therapy, I think, but they'll be okay. I mean, I don't know, how do I try and work things out with a person I don't even know anymore? The Liam I know would never do that so..." 

"That's what I said; the Louis that I know wouldn't do anything to hurt me or his family," Harry swallows.

"Look, just because I would do that, doesn't mean you have to. It's easier for me to say all of this because I'm not going through it, you know? It may be totally different if I had to experience it. And besides that, you and Louis have been through a lot together. You've been together for longer than Liam and I. Do whatever you feel is right, Harry."

Harry huffs, nodding. "I wish I knew exactly what that was."

___*

It's weird being back home. Not because he doesn't like it or anything. He just feels... lost. Like he's not welcome here anymore. The kids are great, of course. They always are. Well, except Leo. He's standoffish with Louis, which Louis did expect after what Harry told him. But it really fucking hurts to know that your own kid can't even look at you 'cause you fucked up that much. And he has no one to blame but himself.

But he's going to do everything in his power to make things right now. He has to. He doesn't know how the hell he got here. He doesn't know what the hell compelled him to fucking cheat on his husband. Yes, Louis felt like they weren't okay, that they needed to work on things. But he didn't do anything to fix whatever was wrong. Instead, he decided fucking someone else would help.

For a while, Louis genuinely thought it did. He didn't have to face any of his problems with Harry at home and he could do as he pleased when he was at work. He was being an ass, basically. It hit him when he saw the toll it took on Harry. Little by little, his spark died. The same spark Louis fell in love with. It got to the point where Louis couldn't remember when last he'd made Harry smile.

It didn't help that they both pulled away when things got tough. They're both like that. But Louis knows that never gave him an excuse to cheat. Fucking hell he still doesn't know why he did it. He knows why but he doesn't... understand it. He never thought he was capable of doing something like that. Harry is right; when their friend back in uni cheated on his girlfriend, Louis lost all respect for him. What the fuck happened?

"Leo," Louis calls out. The other three are distracted with a movie, so Louis takes the opportunity to talk to Leo in the mean time.

He looks up from his book at Louis.

"Can we talk, please?" He asks, not too loudly so as to not disturb the others. Leo nods, albeit reluctantly.

Louis pulls him to the side, till they're in the kitchen. Once there, Louis sits down, gesturing for Leo to do the same.

"So, dad says you know about what's happening..." Louis starts, watching him carefully.

Leo crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against his chair. "I know what you did and I know that you're the reason why dad is so sad."

Louis sighs. "Right. Well, we didn't want you or your siblings to find out about any of that because it doesn't involve you guys, okay? I made a mistake and I'm going to try my best to fix it now."

"You hurt dad," Leo says incredulously, "you were sleeping with someone else. Who does that? Why would you do that?"

Louis understands his anger. It's still weird hearing him speak like this though. "Leo, I know. I'm so sorry. But it's really complicated, love. I messed up big time. I'm trying to make it right."

"Yeah, but why did you do it in the first place?" Leo asks, tearing up, "you made dad so sad— you made me sad too."

Louis' heart aches. "Babe, I'm so sorry," he says, tone fierce, "I hate that I've made dad so sad and you. I don't know why I did it— it was just a mistake. I love dad and only him and trust me, I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to him and to you."

Leo regards him carefully. "Are you going to get a divorce?"

The word causes goosebumps to form over his arms. "I don't want to lose your dad but if that's what he wants then I'm going to have to listen to him. But, trust me, it's not gonna be without a fight."

Leo shakes his head, looking down. He starts picking at his jeans. "Hey," Louis reaches out, stopping his movements, "no matter what, I love you and I always will."

Leo is still looking down. He snatches his hand back. "You said you loved dad too," he mumbles.

Louis swallows. This is harder than he thought it would be. "I still do. I've just made a mistake."

"A huge one," he all but scoffs, "I don't know how dad is going to forgive you. I don't."

Louis feels shame wash over him. "I know and I understand why. But I hope that eventually both of you will."

Leo doesn't reply, only wiping his tears away. Louis so badly wants to wipe it away but he doesn't want to risk it. Leo seems angry as it is.

"Can I go now?" Leo asks.

And Louis, well, he doesn't really know what to say to him anymore. So, he nods. Instantly, Leo shoots up and walks out of the kitchen.

As soon as he leaves, Louis drops his head into his hands, trying not to cry. He really has fucked everything up.

___

The weekend goes well. As well as it can go, at least, all things considered. Louis takes the kids out to a park and then for some ice cream the next day. Leo still pretty much ignores him but Louis is trying not to let it get to him. He tries to extend an olive branch, bringing him his favorite ice cream and toppings. Though the reply he gets didn't go too well.

"Chocolate is not my favourite anymore," is what Leo said.

"It hasn't been for a while now, pap," Blake added.

Then he realized that he actually didn't know all of his kid's favorite ice cream flavors. Turns out, Leo likes plain old vanilla now, Blake likes chocolate chip, Vera likes mint and Adryan just likes any ice cream that's _not_ mint. It's an eye opener for Louis upon everything else. He hasn't been there for his family for god knows how long.

But he wants to try. He wants to fix things.

When they do get back home on Sunday afternoon, Harry is already there, putting some takeaway containers in a fridge.

"Daddy!" Adryan is the first to yell out and run into Harry, literally, hugging him.

Harry grins widely. "Hey," he says then looks up at the others. The other three go up to Harry and hug him too. Louis watches longingly. He just... he can't believe it sometimes; that he missed out on all of this for so long, that he fucked up so badly. The kids disperse to their own areas of the house. Louis stands in the kitchen awkwardly, watching Harry shut the fridge. Surprisingly, Harry doesn't tell him to go away. In fact, Harry sits at the kitchen table and tells Louis to sit down too.

"Uh, okay," Louis agrees, moving a little jerkily to sit opposite him. "Is everything okay?" He asks, heart in his throat.

Harry takes a breath, looking up at Louis. "I have to tell you something, actually."

"Okay?" Louis nods, eyebrows furrowed.

"I went to the doctor today because I haven't been feeling well..." he trails off, looking down at the wooden table.

Louis frowns. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, more or less, i guess?" He huffs. "I'm pregnant."

Louis feels the colour drain from his face.

"And it's yours because I don't sleep with other people," he glares at louis, "Anyways, I just thought you should know."

Louis can't ignore the dig but he knows he deserves it. "Fuck, um, okay. Are you feeling better? Was it morning sickness that made you go to the doctor?"

Harry nods. "It was and I'm fine but I'm only one and a half months in so I have a few more weeks of throwing up to do," he grimaces.

"Okay," Louis swallows, "so, you want to... um, like, keep the baby then?"

Harry sighs. "I thought about it. And, we've always wanted five kids," he smiles sadly, "so it feels right."

Louis reaches across the table, grabbing Harry's hands. Luckily, Harry doesn't pull away. "We can do this together, Harry. You and I. We can work on our marriage and we can have another baby together--- this is meant to happen."

Louis smiles, hoping its gentle enough to almost coax him. "I'm really happy about another baby. It's... off timing and stuff but," he shrugs, "I've always loved you a little extra when you were pregnant."

Harry frowns. He pulls out his hands from Louis' hold. "Louis, just because I am pregnant, doesn't mean I want to get back together."

"I mean--- I know it's a little rushed but I love you, H. Dont you think this is, like, a sign? That we're meant to be together, to work things out."

Harry shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Stop, Louis. Fuck. Just stop."

Louis purses his lips before sighing. "I'm sorry. You're just--- you're in a difficult space right now and you don't need me saying shit like that on top of everything."

Harry doesn't reply, only leaning back on the chair. "Look, I don't know how this is going to work but I don't see me trusting you again, Louis. Ever. I honestly don't think we can get back together or whatever. But right now, I'm just going to try and get through this pregnancy because I don't need stress in my life anymore."

"Okay," Louis chews on his lip, "Okay whatever you need, just tell me and I'll do it. How--- I can come and help you with stuff around the house and I'll--- I'll pick up the kids from school, except Adryan, of course. I mean, unless you want me to?"

Harry shakes his head. "He's gonna be with me so it wouldn't make sense if you did."

Louis feels like his head is spinning. "How are you feeling?" He asks, even though he knows it's probably a stupid question.

"Confused, sad, angry, kinda happy," Harry breathes out.

"Okay," he nods, a little robotically at this point. "I'm sorry it has to be like this."

"I am too," Harry chews on his lip, "can I ask you something?"

Louis nods, sitting up straighter. "Anything."

"Why wasn't I good enough for you anymore? When— when did that happen?" He asks, eyes shining with tears. Louis' heart falls to his arse.

He swallows. "Harry, hey, no," Louis says quickly, "no, fucking hell, baby. Listen to me," he grabs Harry's hand again so that Harry is looking at him. "You've always been more than enough, Harry. Fuck. It's my fault, okay? This is all on me. I had issues. I didn't deal with them. I made a mistake."

"But it's my fault. I drove you away. I shut you out and—" he cuts himself off, sniffing, wiping his nose.

"But I did too," Louis squeezes his hand. He loves the way Harry's hand fits in his. "I made a mistake, Harry. A huge fucking mistake. You have no idea," he huffs, "and I regret it so fucking much."

"Then why did you do it?" Harry asks, still emotional but also tired.

"Because I was stupid," Louis laughs humourlessly, rubbing his thumb on Harry's hand, "I didn't know what I had and I was stupid enough to do something like that. You know me, Harry. I never would have done that and I honestly don't fucking know what went through my mind."

"What made you stop?" Harry asks, just above a whisper, "if this was— if this was a one time thing then maybe I'd understand but," he shakes his head, "you did this for months, Louis."

"I know," Louis says, almost shamefully, "it was a distraction for me... I didn't want to face the fact that our marriage was crumbling and so, in some fucked up logic, I thought that would make it go away. It's stupid but... that's what I thought at the time. I stopped because," he sighs, looking up at Harry, "because it was just a distraction, Harry. I love you and I always will. I realized how much everything had been affecting us— you— and it just... kinda hit me that what I'm doing is wrong."

Harry sobs, pulling his hand away from Louis and muffling his next cries. Louis' heart breaks. He hates seeing Harry crying. It's the worst thing Louis has ever seen. He promised Harry when they'd first gotten together that he'd never make Harry cry. It was the day Harry argued with a friend and that friend humiliated him. Louis swore he'd never do that. Now look.

"Harry," Louis moves closer, carefully touching Harry's shoulder, "baby, I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so sorry."

Harry moves his hands away in order to grab a tissue from his pocket. He wipes his nose and face. "You should probably go before the kids hear anything," he says, calm compared to only seconds ago. It's always scared Louis, how quickly Harry can do that.

"I will," Louis agrees, knowing at least one of their kids heard something, "will you just, um, text me about anything you need? Anything about the baby?"

"Yeah," Harry nods, eyes down.

Louis sighs inwardly. He gets up. "Harry, just know that I do love you, okay? I really do. And I miss you. I want to work on things. I can't lose you."

There's a twitch of his lips. "You lost me the day you thought you loved someone else."

The statement shakes him right to his core. He looks at Harry's red face, sticky cheeks and sunken eyes and he can't stop thinking about how stupid he's been to lose him. Because now, Louis knows for sure that he's lost Harry. He doesn't know if he can ever get him back.

___*

"I met with the lawyer Zayn recommended," Harry says, chewing his lip. He looks up to see his mum's eyes widened. "And I went to an appointment with the gynecologist. Wait, here," Harry pulls out a sonogram copy from his pocket, handing it to his mum.

She looks at it, smiling, before handing it back to Harry. "Do you think it's a boy or girl?" She asks.

Harry shrugs, putting it away. "Can't tell this time."

His mum nods, stirring the spoon in her tea.

"You haven't said anything about the lawyer thing..." Harry points out after a few minutes of silence, pushing the fruit in his bowl around.

She looks up, sighing. "Is it not too soon?"

Harry shrugs again. "I just wanted to know how things would work if we did get a divorce... like, especially with the kids and stuff. I don't want to feel so stuck anymore so I just... wanted to know what my options are."

"Okay. And, have you made up your mind? Did it help?"

"Honestly? No," he huffs, "I know what would happen if I filed for divorce but... that's about it."

"You still love him, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I wasn't the one who cheated," he frowns.

"I know, sweetie. But do you think he still loves you?"

"He said he does," Harry answers, "I don't know if I believe it. Like, he keeps saying he wants to work on things. When I told him about the baby, he looked so happy about it, like that was the answer to all of our problems. But it's not. Just because I am having this baby, doesn't mean I want us to get back together. The same way I'm not gonna say, let's get back together for the kids. It can't work like that."

"Of course not," she nods, "have you thought about other options though? Like going to therapy for example."

"Not entirely. I've got a therapist for Leo sorted out and he's going to his first session this weekend but I haven't looked at it for either of us."

"I think you should. Even if it's just for you. I think talking about this to someone professional might give you more clarity than a lawyer who's after your money."

Harry rolls his eyes. "I'll look into it."

When Harry comes home, it's to sweaty kids running all over the house. Louis is running up behind them when Harry places his keys down.

Adryan comes to Harry first, hugging him tightly like he always does. "Hey, bud. Did you have fun today?"

"Yeah, papa and I kicked their arses," he giggles.

"Adryan, what did I tell you about using that word?" Louis scolds, ruffling his hair.

"We did have fun though," Leo says, drinking some water, "did you?"

"Yeah, nan sent some banana bread," Harry says, holding out the container.

"Yes," Blake cheers, grabbing it from his hand and hurrying to the kitchen. Vera and Adryan follow behind their sister enthusiastically before Leo does the same. Then it's just Louis and Harry.

"You can have some banana bread if you'd like to," Harry offers tersely.

Louis shakes his head. "I'll go, don't worry. Um, is Anne doing all right?"

"Yeah, she's okay. Oh," Harry pulls out the picture from his pocket, "here's a copy of the scan."

Louis frowns, grabbing the picture. "Wait, you went to a scan already?"

This time Harry frowns. "Yes?"

"I thought we'd go together," Louis says, looking genuinely confused.

"Louis, we're not together anymore. We don't stay with each other. Why would we go together?"

"I mean, it's still our baby," Louis says carefully, as if he's scared to say the wrong thing.

Harry raises a brow at him. "Never thought about that before you put your dick in someone else? Never thought, 'hey, you know my husband and I have kids, maybe I shouldn't do this'. That never occurred to you before?"

Louis sighs, as if he has any right to be so tired with this whole situation. "Harry, I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I can say it but I am. And I just want to be part of this baby's life too."

Harry counts to ten in his head before replying. "I don't need nor do I want you with me for any appointments. I'll get you a copy of whatever sonograms I do have but otherwise I don't want you there."

Louis looks like a kicked puppy. "Okay," he swallows, "I don't want to force you to do anything that'll make you uncomfortable. I just... um, if there's anything you need, just ask me. Please."

Some of Harry's anger disparates. Though a generous amount is still there. "Fine," he agrees. He doesn't think he'll need Louis through any of this though. Yes, he'd been there for the pregnancies beforehand but it doesn't matter now. Harry can do this by himself.

He hears Louis sigh heavily. "I'm just gonna say goodbye to the kids," he says before walking to the kitchen. Harry let's out a breath, choosing to go to the bathroom to freshen up and buy some time until Louis leaves.

He can't keep living like this. He has to make a decision soon.

___

Louis starts sending flowers to his work, along with a small card and a message written on them. At first, Harry ignores it. He accepts it from the school's receptionist but he doesn't really... care. He leaves them aside in his small office until it becomes too full and he has to throw some away. Reluctantly, he reads some of the notes.

The first card that accompanied a bouquet of daisies reads, I know these are one of your favourites. I just saw them and thought of you. Always thinking of you, H. Love, Louis.

Harry clenches his jaw. The note makes him mad for various different reasons. Angry, Harry throws the card into the bin along with the flowers. The next note he reads is from a few days later.

Roses are a bit of a cliché but I know you've always had a thing for white roses, especially after our honeymoon. Hope I can share more memories like that with you. Love, Louis.

Harry sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't know what the fuck Louis is trying to do. This is shit teenage boys do, isn't it? Not a cheater of a husband. Harry decides not to read or go through the rest. He just bunches up the flowers and heads to the back of the school to throw them into the bigger bin. As he claps his hands clean, he turns around and walks back inside.

"You're throwing them away?" Niall— fucking Niall Horan— stands in front of him, hands in his pocket, eyebrows furrowed.

"Hello to you too, Niall," Harry grumbles, walking passed him.

"Harry, hey, wait," Niall follows behind him quickly, "hey,wait up."

"What?" Harry snaps, stopping in his tracks. Niall appears in front of him again.

"I came to talk to you," he explains.

"While I'm at work?" Harry raises a brow at him.

"You weren't answering my calls," Niall counters, "I didn't know how else to reach you."

"Right, well, you've got me. What do you want?" Harry asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I know you're hurt, Harry—"

Harry interrupts him with a scoff.

"I know," he says again, "but he is my best friend and he made a mistake, he's trying to fix it though, he really is. And I gave him a good sock in the stomach after finding out too."

Harry has no patience left for any of this. "Is this why you came here? To tell me how sorry Louis is. Cos I think you saw how much his apologies mean to me right now."

Niall stares at him. "Jesus. I mean, I want to check on you, Harry. I know he made a mistake but I didn't."

"You're letting him stay with you. You welcomed him with opened arms, despite everything he'd done to me— to our family. You took his side. I think you'll understand why I'm not the biggest fan of yours right now, Niall."

Niall continues to stare at Harry as if Harry has two heads. "I didn't choose anyone, Harry. He's my best friend and he was distraught— he still is. I'm not happy about what he did but I'm not gonna be a dick about it either. If I were the one that cheated on my partner and came to you, would you turn me away?"

Harry's jaw clenches again. He wouldn't turn Niall away. He'd be shocked but he knows Niall is a good person. So he'd give him a chance to explain himself.

"Look, I know this is getting really messy, especially with, um, a baby in the middle of everything. I just wanted you to know that you have my support too, H. Anything you need, I'm here."

"I appreciate that," Harry relents, even though he's also angry that Louis told someone about the baby without asking him, "I'm sorry about that but I haven't been in a very good mood lately."

"Understandable," Niall clears his throat, pushing his glasses up, "if youre free anytime soon, let me know. We could get a drink maybe? Non-alcoholic for you, of course."

Harry highly doubts that he will since Louis is still staying with Niall. He would just feel too weird. Regardless, Harry nods. "Sure, yeah."

"Um, did you read those notes with the flowers?" He asks.

Harry's body tenses again. "I read some, yes."

"Okay, well, um, yeah, he's really trying, Harry. I really think maybe you guys should see a therapist tho—"

"Niall, stop," Harry cuts him off, "I really don't wanna hear it."

Niall purses his lips, nodding once.

"I need to get back now. Thanks for coming over," Harry says, a little awkwardly, before trudging back inside and to his small office next to his classroom.

Once at his desk, he covers his mouth to muffle a sob and he lets himself cry. He doesn't know how his life ended up in shambles and he doesn't know if he can pick everything back up.

____*

It's surprising when Harry calls him on a Friday afternoon. He's been trying to call Harry for weeks and he doesn't answer. The only reason they ever communicate is for the kids and that's only ever via text. He's quick to press the answer button, sitting up straighter.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Um, can you pick up Leo from therapy? He's finishing in about fifteen minutes and I'm still stuck with Vera at her footie thing."

"Uh, yeah sure," Louis already moves to put his shoes on, "I'll leave now, is everything okay with V?"

"Yeah, just some issue with one of the parents. She should be finishing soon but I don't want Leo to wait alone."

"Yeah, of course. I'll drop him off at home. Are the other kids with you?"

"No, they're with mum at home. You can just drop him off."

"Okay, yeah, sure," Louis clears his throat, "hey, Harry, do you think we could talk?"

"About?"

Louis feels himself sweating. "About us... just where things are going and stuff."

"Um, we should talk," Harry surprisingly agrees.

Louis let's out a breath, relieved. "Yeah, just let me know. I'll be there tomorrow morning so..."

"Yeah, um, bye, Louis."

"Bye," Louis says softly before he's hears Harry hang up.

As he drives to pick up Leo, Louis hopes that it's a good thing that Harry's agreed to talk. He's been sending flowers to Harry's workplace for weeks now and even though he hasn't heard anything from Harry about them, he's hoping they're working. He used to do it a lot at one stage; sending flowers to Harry's work, he forgot how much he liked it.

Louis doesn't wait long for Leo to come out of the building. Just as Louis walks to it, Leo walks out. As soon as he sees Louis, he crosses his arms over his chest, stopping in his tracks. "Where's dad?"

"He's stuck with V so I came to pick you up," Louis tries for a smile.

Unfortunately, he doesn't get a smile back. "Is vera okay?" He asks.

"She's fine, love. Just some delay with parents at the footie practice. Come on," he beckons Leo over.

Leo purses his lips, walking beside Louis to the car. He jumps in wordlessly, but in the backseat, not in the front like he used to. Louis pushes away the disappointment in his chest. He starts the car instead.

"So, how's Dr. Cooper?" Louis asks, looking at his son through the rear view mirror.

He shrugs, arms still crossed. "Fine."

Louis sighs softly. " Okay, that's good. Are you talking about everything?"

He shrugs again. "I don't know. Kind of, I guess. I just don't get why I have to talk about anything. What's that gonna do? It's not gonna stop you from screwing everything up."

Louis let's out a breath. "Right, that's it," he makes a sharp turn, " you and I need to talk."

"Where are you going?" Leo asks worriedly.

"We're gonna get some ice cream," Louis explains, parking in the lot.

"It's freezing cold outside," Leo protests.

"Fine, then hot chocolate. I don't care. We're going to talk."

"I don't want to. Dr. Cooper says I don't have to talk if I don't want to," Leo fights back.

Louis turns around to face him. "Fine, I'll talk then. Will you come sit in front with me?"

Leo shakes his head stubbornly.

"Fine. I'll come to the back," Louis unbuckles his seatbelt and switches the car off, taking the keys and getting in the back.

"Look, darling, I know you're mad at me and that's fine, you can be. You have every right to be. Hell, I'm mad at myself too. You have no idea. You're right, I screwed up big time and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for hurting you guys, for hurting dad. I don't ever want to hurt the people I love. But you know why I made such a big mistake?"

Leo glances up at him then shakes his head.

"Because I kept things in. I bottled things up and I didn't speak about what I felt and it kept building up until I exploded and it was in the worst way possible. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did, Leo. Talk about how you feel, even if it's not to me. It helps. It's important to get things off your chest."

Leo is quiet for a while before Louis hears him sniffing. Louis doesn't care about anything anymore; he pulls Leo into his chest so Leo can cry properly while Louis hugs him tightly. Thankfully, Leo hugs him back, muffling his sobs into Louis' jacket.

"It's going to be okay, love. I promise you, it's going to be okay," Louis says, kissing his head, "you're the bravest person I know, right up there with your dad."

Leo sniffles. "He says that about you," Leo mumbles.

"What?"

"Dad. He says that you're the bravest person he knows."

Louis' heart warms. He feels himself getting a little choked up. "I know."

"You hurt him, pap," Leo mutters, still hugging Louis.

Louis doesn't want to let go. "I know that too," he swallows, "but I'm going to do everything I can to make things right for all of us, yeah?"

Leo nods, pulling away and wiping his eyes. "I'm still mad at you."

Louis can't help but smile. "I know. That's okay. I am too."

Leo looks at him. "I'll talk to Dr. Cooper," he promises, "maybe you should too."

He says with a smile on his face but Louis actually considers it. "Maybe. Not him specifically but maybe another therapist," he trails off, "anyways, do you wanna get some hot chocolate and head home?"

Leo nods. "This doesn't mean I forgive you," he tells Louis as they head inside the small café.

"That's fine. I don't expect you to," Louis replies, "but you have my word, that I'll never ever hurt you like that ever again."

Leo's gaze is fixed on him, eyes hesitant. "Yeah, okay. Let's get some hot chocolate."

Louis counts it as a win.

When they get home, Harry's car is still not in the driveway. Louis messaged him a few minutes earlier when Leo and him stopped for hot chocolate and Harry said they were almost done. Louis wonders if they left yet.

Leo barges in and goes straight to his nan while Louis is bombarded by Blake and Adryan.

"Hello, my loves," Louis kisses them both, picking up Adryan. He's getting too big to carry now but Louis doesn't care. He's still Louis' baby.

"Hi, Anne," Louis greets, walking into the house, Blake beside him.

"Louis," she greets politely with a bit of a forced smile.

"Nan and I cooked today," Blake says, excitedly walking over to the pots on the stove, "we made a stew."

"That's great, love. I'm so proud of you," he smiles.

"Papa!" Vera yells before running straight into him, arms hugging his waist.

"Hey, babe," Louis bends down to kiss her hair, "how was footie practice?"

"Ugh, too long," she sighs, pulling away, "but you're here now so I'm all better."

Louis' heart warms. "I'm glad to hear that, love."

"Hi, nan," she goes over to Anne and hugs her.

"V, you're all smelly, love. Maybe you should take a shower," comes Harry's voice from behind him.

"Daddy," Adryan wriggles out of Louis' hold to run to Harry.

Harry grins, dimples popping. "My baby, hello," he kisses Adryan's hair, "were you good for nan?"

He nods. "Always."

Harry smiles again. He looks up, avoiding Louis standing right there to look at Leo instead, who's munching on a biscuit.

"Hey, Leo. How was Dr. Cooper?" Harry asks.

"It was good," he says, then looks at Louis, smiling, "I wanna go back soon."

"Yeah?" Harry perks up.

"Yeah," he nods again.

"That's great, love."

"Daddy, I made stew with nan," Blake announces, bouncing on her toes, still at the stove.

"Hey, why don't you set up the table and we can have some supper in a few, yeah? Leo can help you."

"I'll help too," Anne says, turning around to help her granddaughter.

"Adi, go help Blakie, Leo and nan while daddy talks to papa, please."

Adryan, ever so ready to listen, nods obediently and runs to Anne. Louis looks at Harry.

"Can we talk for a bit?" Harry asks, pushing his hands into his pockets.

Louis nods, following him to the living room. He stands in front of Harry, keeping a bit of space between them. Only then does he notice that Harry has a tummy. He's showing. Inexplicably, he tears up.

"Louis?" Harry asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Yeah?" He clears his throat, looking at Harry.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just— I noticed that you're starting to show."

Harry looks down, running his hand over the tiny bump. "Oh, uh, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," he says.

"Is everything okay?" Louis asks, concerned.

"Yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted to find out how you'd feel about telling the kids that there's gonna be another baby in the house soon. I was thinking Christmas time or maybe your birthday?"

"In a few weeks? Yeah, I think that's a good idea," he agrees, "you, um, don't mind me being here for my birthday?"

Harry shakes his head. "The kids would want to be with you for your birthday and I'll— I'll probably be here too, I think."

Louis nods, pushing down the excitement for now.

"Um, also, please stop sending flowers to my school," he sighs, "Louis, what are you trying to do by sending them?"

Louis feels caught, put on the spot. "I mean... I just wanted to. I thought of you and I— I don't know. I love you, you know this. I just wanted to show you that."

Louis doesn't miss the way Harry winces when Louis said he loved him.

"Yeah, well, it's not... I don't like it, so please stop," Harry says again, "and Niall— he paid me a visit the other day."

"He did?" Louis asks, surprised. Niall said before that he was waiting for Harry to reply to him before he actually goes to see him.

"Yeah, I wasn't... very nice to him," he sighs again, "I've just been in a weird place and my mood swings are," he laughs, "anyways, please tell him that I'm sorry. I did message him but, you know, just in case."

Louis gives him a small smile. "I'm sure he'll understand. Listen, I wanted to talk about us..."

Harry visibly swallows. "Louis..."

"I miss you so much, Harry. I swear I feel like I can't breathe anymore. I just— please, we can do anything you want to do but I don't want to lose you. I _can't_ lose you."

"Louis, can we please not talk about this now? This is just not fair," he sniffs, "can we— can we just wait until after Christmas or something? I just want us to spend it together."

Louis gets that feeling of dread in his stomach. Like Harry is saying that because it's the last Christmas they'll all spend together. But he doesn't want to fight with Harry. That's the last thing he wants to do, especially when Harry looks so exhausted. Instead, he nods. "Okay, I'll um, leave then."

"You can stay for dinner. Blake will be happy for you to taste the stew she made," Harry says with a small smile.

Louis won't say no to spend time with any of his kids. He misses his kids a lot. It's weird not being around everyone everyday. "Yeah, okay."

Blake is obviously delighted that Louis is staying for dinner but then there's the awkward tension in the air between everyone that's undeniable. He tries to push it away as much as he can. Hearing Leo and Blake bicker, Adryan laugh at Vera making funny faces at him— he misses it more than anything. The stew is lovely, even if it lacks a little bit of salt. And all the kids talk his ear off. He's starting to learn more and more about them now. The things that, before, he never really noticed at all. He hates that he didn't but he's changing it now. He's making the change. He wants to do better.

___*

Some days, Harry thinks he's finally getting better at being without Louis. After all, Louis hadn't really been there for over a year so now, it shouldn't be any different, right? Except, it is different. Because now Harry knows that he's cheated on him for months. Even thought he fell in love with the guy. That's what hurts the most, Harry thinks, is the fact that Louis actually believed he fell in love with someone else. It doesn't matter what he says now. All Harry can think of is the fact that while Harry was becoming numb to the world and shutting down, his husband was falling in love with another man.

What good does it do now to say that he only thought he was? It doesn't matter. The point still stands that he thought he did love someone other than his husband. Despite all of their issues, Harry couldn't even dream of looking at someone else the way he looked at Louis. That's probably the part that confuses Harry the most; how could he even think about someone else after all the promises he'd made to Harry, after knowing how jealous he gets and vice versa.

He feels jealousy. He feels it hot and pumping through his veins. He can't bear the fact that the love of his life wasn't the love of his life. That he isn't anymore. Is he? The saddest thing, maybe, is that Harry can't stop loving him. He's angry— he's so fucking angry and he's sad, he doesn't think he's ever felt heartache this deeply before— but he still loves Louis so much it hurts. The question is that, can he really just settle for love? Is that enough when Harry doesn't feel like it's been reciprocated in a long time?

He's trying not to let the kids play a factor in his decisions. His mum says it's unhealthy to do something just for your kids because it might end up doing the opposite and making them more miserable by having two parents that are ultimately unhappy with each other. But then that also pegs the question on whether or not he can even see himself being happy with Louis again. He is miserable already, is the thing. He's been miserable for over a year. His kids are the only reason he gets up in the morning, if he's being honest.

His mum says that he should probably see a therapist if he's feeling that way. She seemed worried when he'd confided in her about that.

"I've been through depression before, you know?" She'd said to him, "and that's exactly how I felt."

It scares him to think that it's that serious. Depression is just... it's not something Harry ever thought he'd have. Then again, how many people with depression actually think they can have it? You never realize how much of a reality it is until it happens to you. If he's had it for this long and finding out about Louis made him even worse, he's worried about the baby. As silly as it sounds, he's worried about what it can do to his health. Mental health affects you physically more often than not.

He makes a decision to start seeing a therapist too. In the new year, he wants to get better. He has to start with himself.

Where Louis fits into all of it, he's not sure yet.

____

_It's ridiculous. This is_ **_his_ ** _baby shower. He should be joining his friends, his family,_ **_his boyfriend_ ** _out there but instead, he's in the bathroom, sad and confused. Confused about why he's sad, really. He has everything so many people dream of. But he's sad and he doesn't fucking know why._

_"Harry?" Comes Louis' voice from the other side of the door followed by a knock, "baby, are you okay?"_

_Harry unwillingly lets out a sob. He was fine, is the thing. He doesn't know what the hell happened. He just got overwhelmed and next thing he knew, he's in the bathroom._

_"Baby? Hey, love, what's wrong? Can I come in, please?"_

_Harry unlocks the door, opening it to reveal a very worried looking Louis. Louis immediately hugs him, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist. "Please tell me what's wrong, Harry. Is it the babies? Are you hurt?"_

_"I'm not," he pulls away, wiping his eyes, "I just— I feel weird."_

_"Weird?" Louis repeats, confused. "Okay, wait, let's go inside and we can talk, yeah?"_

_Harry nods, walking back into the bathroom, sitting down on the toilet lid. He wipes his face while Louis locks the door and steps towards Harry._

_"Okay, hey, tell me what happened. What's going on, baby?" Louis asks, sitting adjacent to Harry on the edge of the bathtub. He rests his hand on Harry's knee, rubbing it softly._

_"I don't know. I feel so stupid. Fuck," he huffs, sniffing, "I'm sorry."_

_"It's okay, love. Just talk to me," Louis says, tone ever so gentle._

_"I feel... sad," Harry frowns, "but I don't know why and I just— I love what you did for me, I really do. But I feel overwhelmed and weird and I'm so sorry," he cries again, hiding his face in his hands._

" _Oh, Harry," Harry hears him sigh. Then, he's kneeling down in front of Harry and prying his hands away. "Love, it's okay. We can end this right now if you want to. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters to me is that you're happy."_

_"I am happy," Harry insists, shaking his head. He grabs Louis' hands in his. "I'm just emotional and I'm so big I feel like a fucking balloon," he laughs along with Louis._

_"You don't and even if you do, it doesn't matter. You're carrying our babies in you, love. Besides, I don't think there'll ever be a time where you're not beautiful to me."_

_Harry tears up again. "Bet you won't say that after these babies and those stretch marks don't go away," he half-jokes._

_Louis frowns. "You don't really think I'm that shallow do you?"_

_Harry bites his lip. "No, but I can't help but worry sometimes."_

_"Harry Edward Styles, you have nothing to worry about, trust me. If anything, I probably should be worrying about it. Trust me, baby, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be with you. I get to love you, do you have any idea how much of an honor that is?"_

_"Louis," Harry says, weak from his words._

_"I'm gonna marry you, you know this, right?" Louis smiles softly._

_Harry grins back at him. "We've only been together for just over a year, you know? We still have uni to finish and we have to get a stable financial situation. We're gonna have two babies to look after too now."_

_"I know. There's no rush. I have the rest of my life to spend with you," Louis leans forward, kissing him softly, "what do you say we ditch this baby shower and get some McDonald's?"_

_Harry laughs. "We can't just leave everyone here, Lou."_

_"It's technically your mum's house and so everyone here are her guests. So... I think we can ditch for a little bit. We'll just tell everyone you need some air, which, I really think you do, love."_

_Harry sighs. "I think you're right. I'm sorry. I've been feeling really weird lately. Too emotional."_

_"Don't apologies for that, baby," Louis reassures him, "come on, let's get out of here."_

_Harry grins. "On one condition."_

_"What is it?"_

_"We go to KFC instead."_

_Louis grimaces. "Fine. But only because I love you."_

_Harry smiles. "I love you too, you know that right?"_

_"I do," Louis says, before kissing him again._

______

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah, love?"

"Why isn't pap staying here anymore?"

Harry inhales sharply. He turns to Blake, sighing. "Um, he's... taking some time away. We both need a bit of space."

"Is that where Leo goes sometimes? To stay with pap?" She asks with a frown.

Harry shakes his head. "No, love. Um, it's complicated with your brother. He goes to a therapist," Harry says honestly.

Her blue eyes widen. "What's wrong?"

"He's okay. He just needs to talk to someone about how he's feeling. We all need to do that. Talking about how you feel is important."

"He can talk to me too," she insists, "I can help."

Harry smiles. He moves her hair from her face. "Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier, love. I'm sure he tells you a lot anyways."

Her frown deepens. She places her pencil down and looks up at Harry again. "So then is pap not coming back? Is that why Leo needs a therapist? 'Cause he's sad about that? You can tell me, dad. I'm thirteen."

Harry can't help but chuckle a bit at how she says her age. "I know you are, Blake," he say gently, "I don't know about pap coming back," he says, "how, um, how would you feel if he doesn't?"

It seems like such a stupid thing to ask their kid about her father for gods sake. But Harry feels like he just needs to know. He wants to get insight, maybe, on how it would be if Louis doesn't come back.

She visibly swallows. "I'll miss him," she says, "I'll miss him a lot— I already do."

Harry's heart aches. He feels a bout of guilt hit him. "Right," he says, voice distant, "of course."

"Are you getting a divorce?" She asks, eyes filled with what Harry depicts as fear.

Harry doesn't know how to answer this question because, well, he doesn't even know that himself. "I don't want you to worry about all of that, love, yeah? Your pap and I will sort all of that out."

"So that means you might," she concludes, eyes filled with tears, "why, dad?"

"Oh, baby," Harry sighs, sitting next to her and pulling her in for a hug. He shouldn't have fucking said anything. He could have lied and just said Louis has work to do somewhere else. Then again, what would that do? Then she'd be completely blindsided if there were to be a divorce.

"What happened?" She pulls away, wiping her eyes, "I want to know."

"Blake," Harry huffs, "I can't just... it's complicated."

"But why?" She huffs this time, frustrated, "I can help you fix it."

God, his kids have the biggest hearts. Even in a heartbreaking moment like this, he feels proud. "You can't, love. You're our child, you know? It's not your responsibility to fix any of the adult problems. We'll sort this all out. Don't worry about it, darling."

It's, of course, in that moment, when Leo trudges into the kitchen. He stops upon seeing their faces. "What's wrong?" He asks, worried.

"I asked dad why pap isn't staying with us anymore," she reveals, looking so distraught about it that Harry wants to kick himself for even bringing his kids into this in the first place.

Leo sighs, like he understands. He walks to the table, sitting next to Blake and rubbing her back. "I'm sorry, Blake. But pap says he's sorry."

She looks at him. "You knew," she realizes, "why is he sorry?"

Leo looks at Harry, panicked. "I— um, he didn't, um—"

"Because we both make mistakes and your pap made a big one," is what Harry decides to say, "which is why I said it's complicated, Blake. You don't have to worry about all of this."

She shakes her head. "You're not telling me," she says, ever so smart, "that's why Leo is seeing a therapist, isn't it?"

Leo nods. "Yeah, but, um, you can too. Right, dad?"

Harry nods immediately. "If that's what you feel then yes."

"But why?" She frowns. "Why would you?" She asks her brother. "It's because you know that they're getting divorced, isn't it?"

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose. "Blake, stop," he says, a bit harsher than he intended to, "we're not getting divorced— we don't know what's going to happen yet, okay?"

Leo and Blake look at him, both a little surprised at his tone. "Blake," Leo speaks up, "it's okay, I just need to talk to someone and, um, Dr. Cooper really helps."

She sighs, getting up from her seat. "You're both not telling me something. I'm not stupid," she says, her face red, "I can help."

"You can't," Harry snaps again, frustrated at how stubborn she can be, "Blake, please, just please don't worry about your pap and I. We'll sort it out. We're adults."

Blake stares at him for a moment before she stomps away, clearly upset. Harry curses under his breath, rubbing his temples.

"I'll go talk to her," Leo speaks up.

Harry almost forgot he's here. "Give her a few minutes to cool down. You know how she can get," he says.

"I'm sorry, dad," he says.

"No, Leo, it's okay. It's not your fault," he reassures him quickly.

Leo nods. "Are you going to tell her what pap did?" He asks quietly.

"I don't want to," Harry says. Part of him does though. He wants them to know how much Louis fucked up. How he's the one that broke their family. But then he remembers how Leo took it. And then he reminds himself that Louis is still their father. He doesn't want his kids to go through that. If they do get divorced, they'll eventually find out, maybe, but not now. They're young.

"Okay," he says, "I won't tell her."

"Thank you," Harry sighs, then Leo's words come to mind, "you said pap is sorry, huh?"

"Yeah," he confirms.

"Did he talk to you about this?" Harry frowns. He doesn't want Louis bringing their issues to their kids, even if Harry might have unintentionally brought Blake into it now. It's different with Leo because he knows what Louis did. He doesn't need Louis elaborating on anything.

"I mean, not really," Leo says, "we spoke when he picked me up from Dr. Cooper the other day and he just... he told me that he's sorry and that he made a big mistake."

Why on earth would he even say something like that to their son? Was he, what, like trying to get Leo on his side or something? Why was he involving their child in this when they agreed that they shouldn't be.

Harry takes a deep breath before he gets even more upset. "You should go check on your sister. I'll come and check up on you both in a few, yeah?"

Leo nods before getting up and walking out the kitchen. Harry drops his head into his hands. He feels like crying again because he doesn't know what to fucking do. His family is falling apart right under his nose and he can't do a damn thing to stop it.

____*

When Louis comes in a week before Christmas to visit the kids, he's pulled aside by Harry before he can even get to them. Louis frowns. "What is it?"

Harry's nostrils flare. He does that when he's angry. "Blake knows," he says, "she asked about why you're not staying here anymore and I told her we needed space and then Leo told her you made a mistake and that's why you aren't. When she asked why, I didn't tell her anything more and now she's mad at me," he clenches his jaw, "and it's not fucking fair that you ruin our family and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I have to be the bad guy with our kids and it's just not fucking fair that you have to deal with none of it."

"Harry, I'm so sorry," Louis swallows, "fuck I— I'll go talk to her. I can explain things and—"

"I didn't tell her what exactly you did for a reason, Louis. If you think Leo hated you then Blake is ten times worse, you know this," Harry says sharply, "and speaking of Leo, why are involving him in what we do?"

"What?" Louis asks, confused.

"Why are you telling him how sorry you are about what you did? Are you trying to get him on your side or summat? I thought we agreed that the kids shouldn't be involved in any of this."

"No, that's not what I'm doing, Harry. I just told him that it's important to talk about he feels instead of bottling it up," Louis stares at him, "I bottle things up and it led me to make the biggest mistake of my life— I was just trying to get him to understand."

Harry wipes a hand over his face. "You could have told me about the things you talk about with _our_ son. I mean you honestly told our son that he should talk about he feels because if he doesn't, it'll lead him to make a mistake like you and cheat on someone, ruin a family. Is that really the message you sent him?"

Louis feels a lot. He's confused, he's hurt, he's embarrassed— he can't really pinpoint which one it is. "I didn't say he'll make the exact same mistakes, obviously. I just said it's not healthy to do it."

"Suddenly you know what's not healthy or not," Harry scoffs, "that's really fucking rich."

So he's very angry today, apparently. It's fine, maybe he deserves it. He does deserve it, who's he kidding? He deserves worse after what he did.

"I know. I didn't realize it, of course. But I avoided whatever I felt for a long time, you have to understand that. I went completely numb for, god, over a year which is why I did what I did. I just don't want my son to turn out like me," he smiles, a little sad, "I wish someone told me that when I was Leo's age."

Harry shakes his head. He let's out a breath, placing his hands on his hips. Louis notices his tummy again and smiles to himself. "When will you know what we're having?"

Harry blinks, following Louis gaze down to his stomach. "End of January probably."

Louis nods. He wants to ask if he can go with for that one but he already knows the answer to that and he doesn't want to make Harry more upset. "Harry, I'm sorry—"

Harry scoffs again, sounding tired. "You sound like a broken record, Louis."

Louis purses his lips. He rethinks whatever else he was going to say. "I'll go talk to Blake," he says instead.

Harry stares at him dubiously.

"Harry, they're still my kids too, you know? I am capable of being a father. A good one." Louis says, a little upset at how he's being treated right now.

"Then go talk to her but please, just don't say too much," Harry says, "she's in her room."

"I won't," Louis says. Harry doesn't reply so Louis takes it upon himself to head upstairs and talk to his daughter.

Louis spots the youngest two outside, playing on the jungle gym. He moves past them in the mean time. Blake is in her room, scrolling through something on her iPad. Louis knocks on her partially opened door. She looks up, straightening against her pillow.

"Hey, darling. Can I come in?" Louis asks.

She nods, pulling her feet up to make space for Louis on the bed. Louis sits close to her. "How's school going, love?"

"It's fine," she shrugs, "you asked me this yesterday."

"I know, I just want to know," Louis smiles, "dad says you're upset at him."

"Because you're getting a divorce," she says, "and he doesn't want me to help."

"Because you're a child, Blake. This is adult stuff. You have to leave it to the adults to deal with."

"But dad says you made a mistake. I can help you fix it, pap," she persists.

"Oh, babe, this is a big mistake and it's mine to fix," Louis shifts till he's next to her, opening up his arms. "Come give me a cuddle," he says. She goes to him without protesting, resting her head on his chest. Louis cuddles her close. "People can get really complicated when they get older, Blake. I just... I got too in my head and I messed up so I'm just trying to fix it now."

"But do you love him?"

"More than anything. Almost as much as I love you guys," he smirks. She chuckles softly.

"And he loves you?" She asks.

"I can only hope so, love. I'm going to try and figure things out and fix it, okay? Don't you worry about us. You can do me one favour though," he pulls back a little so that she's looking at him.

"What is it?"

"You have to apologize to your dad, first of all. He's very stressed out right now so take it easy on him, okay? He's trying his best."

Blake nods, looking guilty. "Sorry," she says, "I didn't want to make him mad."

"I know. You made a mistake, it's okay," he grins.

"Did you say sorry?" She asks. "You made a mistake too so did you apologize?"

Louis swallows. "I did but some mistakes need more than just a sorry, love. Like I said, it's mine to fix. Don't worry about it, okay?"

"Fine," she says, eyebrows still furrowed, "please don't get a divorce."

Louis sighs. "Where's Leo?" He asks, effectively changing the subject.

She seems to notice but doesn't persist. "He's reading as always."

"Okay, I'm gonna go say hi to the others while you speak to dad, okay?"

She nods. Louis kisses her forehead before moving away and off her bed. "Hey, no matter what happens, your dad and I love you loads, okay? All of you."

She nods again, smiling softly. 

Louis sees Harry again in the kitchen later on. The kids just got to sleep and Louis comes in to say goodbye to Harry when Harry says he wants to talk to Louis about something. So, Louis sits down opposite him.

"Okay, is everything okay?" He asks, worried it's something to do with one of their kids again. Harry looks down, taking a few deep breaths.

He's quiet for a while. "I spoke to a lawyer."

Louis' feels his throat tighten. He swallows thickly. "Harry..."

"I just wanted to see what would happen if we did..." Harry looks down, "you know."

Louis doesn't even know how to respond to him.

"I want you to know that if that does happen, I want sole custody of the kids," Harry continues, looking straight at him, "you won't have time for them the way they should— you haven't for a while."

"I quit," Louis blurts out, already crying, because this is all so much already, "I have time for them— I'm making time. I told you I'm trying to change," he sniffs, "that's why I can pick them up from school most days. I'm not— I'm not working there anymore."

Harry blinks. "But — where are you working then?"

"Nowhere at the moment. I applied a few places though."

Harry sighs. "So... financially? Why haven't you consulted me before doing this, Louis? God, we have a family to take care of too, you know. I don't know how much a teacher's salary can provide for four nearing five kids."

"We still have money saved, Harry. Lots of money," Louis frowns, "trust me, I thought about you guys, I did."

"Then why would you quit?"

"I wasn't happy. I didn't spend enough time with my family— so many different reasons. I'll get another job, I will. Obviously, I will. I couldn't be there anymore though."

"It's because George is there too, isn't it?" Harry asks. He can hear the venom in his voice.

"I don't want to think about him or see him, really," Louis says honestly, "look, baby, please don't go straight to divorce, not when we haven't even tried anything else."

"Don't, Louis. Don't with the whole baby thing," Harry huffs, "I'm just telling you that I met with the lawyer to see what the options would be if I do decide that I want a divorce, okay? And I— I still would want full custody."

"Why? I'll do better. I'm doing better. If that does happen, I'll be there for them, I promise I will," he says fiercely.

"Louis, I'm also going to have a baby to take care of— I don't know, it's easier if they're with me most of the time. You can have visitation rights."

Louis wipes a hand over his face. "Why are we talking about this as if it's actually happening?"

"Because it _might_ ," Harry says, "I want to wait until after New Years at least to sort it out properly. I'm— I need to just know where I'm heading."

"Well, I'm not willing to give you— and our family— up without a fight. I know we can work this out, Harry. I love you so damn much. I never stopped— I just kind of... lost sight of that for a while but I know you did too."

"I didn't cheat, Louis," Harry says tiredly, "just leave it alone for now, okay? I just wanted you to know that I did meet a lawyer, that's all."

He wants to fight. He wants to say so much more but he also doesn't want Harry to get more upset.

"Fine," Louis sighs eventually, "I'll see you Monday then?"

"Yeah, they all finish at three. Vera has practice."

"Okay," Louis nods, "um, if you need anything regarding the baby too, please let me know."

"Yeah, I know," Harry mumbles, but he doesn't sound like he'll take Louis up on that offer.

"That's still our baby, Harry. They're still half mine," Louis says quietly.

"Trust me, I know," Harry sighs.

Louis is about to turn around and leave but he decides to go to Harry instead. He stops in front of him before bending down. It reminds him immediately of when Harry was pregnant with the twins and he had a meltdown in his mum's bathroom.

"Listen," he says, not quite sure why he's kneeling down in front of Harry and talking, but doing it anyways, "you need to know that there'll never be a time where I'll ever stop loving you. I believe in us. I'm sorry I didn't before but I do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I would really love if you considered giving us another try. Even if it's not immediately, I just want to know that you haven't given up on us. Not like I did."

Harry's eyes well up. "I need some time, Louis. I just— I need some time to get things in order and I— I'm not okay," he sniffs, "I'm really not okay, and I know that. I haven't been for a while."

Louis straightens up almost instantly. "What do you mean you're not okay?" He starts searching Harry's face as if there'll be a sign anywhere on there.

"Emotionally, mentally, I'm not okay," Harry reveals, wiping the underneath of his eyes, "mum says it might be depression; she also had it and she says she recognizes the symptoms but I— I'm obviously not sure yet so I'm going to start seeing someone in January."

Louis, unexpectedly, starts to cry. "Harry, god. Since when, love?"

"I don't know," he sniffles, "but I think that's why I've barely gotten excited for this baby or even acknowledged them really," he rubs his tiny bump.

"We both haven't," Louis agrees, "I'm so sorry about everything, Harry."

Harry doesn't reply, simply wipes his tears away.

"What can I do to make this easier for you?" Louis asks, determined to do whatever he asks for.

"Don't pressure me, Louis. Don't force me to do anything. I'll get there when I get there, okay? I just need some time."

Louis swallows. "Okay," he nods, "okay, I won't, you know where I stand and how I feel so I'm just— I'm gonna leave it there, okay?"

Harry nods, cheeks pink and eyes wet.

"I love you and if you need anything I'm here. I'm here to support you through it all, okay?"

Harry looks at him and nods again. Louis gets up and hugs him. He's in an awkward position but he doesn't care. Until he realizes what he's doing that is. Quickly, he pulls away. "Sorry, I just wanted to do that."

Harry looks a little surprised. "It's fine," he mumbles, "you should probably leave."

"I should," Louis agrees, "thank you for telling me."

Harry, again, nods shortly before looking down. Louis only glances back at Harry over his shoulder once before he leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Harry expects Christmas Eve, a.k.a Louis' birthday, to be awkward as fuck. But it's... actually not that bad. There's still some tension in the air, of course, but they seem to look passed it. The kids are thrilled to have Louis at home. He hasn't seen them smile that much in ages. For a moment, he wonders if he's being a bad father if he decides to get a divorce. Part of him does feel like it. But he knows that he still has a lot to sort out with himself before he worries about marriage.

His mum says that he needs to put himself first for once, Zayn agrees, so Harry decides he's going to do just that. In order to work on everything else in his life, he has to work on himself first.

They spend the whole day together; mostly the kids and Louis. Harry wishes him with a smile and leaves it at that. If this were, say, eight years ago, he'd wake Louis up with breakfast and bed and a morning blowjob before spending the day together as a family. Maybe they'd do supper with everyone, or maybe they'd just do a simple night in with a homemade birthday cake.

They did do a homemade birthday cake; Blake insisted. So of course he had to help her, making sure she doesn't make any mistakes. Adryan and Vera help decorate. They make a bit of a mess but Blake smiles through it all, being the patient big sister she is. Funnily enough, she's only patient with her siblings though. If it comes to anything else, she's as impatient as Louis is.

Louis smiles so widely when he sees the cake, messily decorated with blue and purple icing and colourful sprinkles. He thanks everyone, including Harry. When they hand presents to Louis — consisting of birthday cards from each of them, a coffee mug that says, 'Best dad in the world' and a drawing from Adryan that he insisted he give to his papa— Louis starts to tear up.

"Why are you crying, papa? Do you not like the drawing?" Adryan asks worriedly, climbing onto the sofa and pushing Vera aside to sit next to Louis.

Louis shakes his head, smiling. "No, love. These are happy tears, I promise," he kisses Adryan's head, "I really love the drawing, thank you."

"You're welcome," he grins, "daddy says I should become an artist."

"If that's what you want, then you can do it, babe," Louis says to him.

"I want to be chef artist scientist. Those exist, you know?"

Harry chuckles to himself. Louis grins. "They don't but maybe you can be the first one."

He nods enthusiastically. "I'm already a good chef too— did you see how I made your cake?"

"Hey, you didn't make it," Blake frowns.

"He helped," Harry chimes in, placing a hand on her shoulder, "right, Adi?"

"Yeah," he grins again, "and you liked it, right, papa?"

"I loved it. Thank you guys again," Louis says, looking at each of them.

"You're welcome," they say in somewhat of a unison.

"Daddy, where's you're present?" Vera asks, adjusting her sweater.

"Um," Harry swallows. He did get a present months ago for Louis. Something for his birthday and something for Christmas. He just isn't sure if he can give it to Louis anymore.

"Hey, I'm kinda hungry. Why don't we set the table and have something to eat?" Louis asks, changing the subject.

Vera and Adryan go immediately while Blake and Leo give each other a look before following the other two.

"Hey, I'm sorry. You don't have to get me anything, really. I appreciate you letting me come here," Louis says.

"I did get you something," Harry says, "I, um, I don't know if I— I'm just—"

"Harry, it's okay," Louis cuts him off gently, "I don't need a gift or anything. Why don't we go and eat, yeah? I'll go warm the food."

Harry nods.

The rest of the evening goes well, not awkward, like he'd thought. They actually laugh together again, they're all smiling— it's a glimpse of what could have been had Louis not cheated, had they communicated and sorted things out before it got to this.

Christmas Day is actually... confusing. He's happy because everyone else is happy. The kids, again, are delighted to have both their dads with them. Louis looks happy to spend some time with the kids. They even attempt baking biscuits together. It doesn't turn out too badly, surprisingly, given how much they actually messed up while making the dough.

Dinner and lunch is more or less the same. They're all stuffed by the time they get to opening presents. So far, Harry hasn't really spoken to Louis much. He's avoided it. But now, when they have to open presents, the kids are going to notice their parents not exchanging any presents. Louis and Harry both decided on presents to get for the kids but for each other... they never really discussed it. They discussed the fact that they'll tell their kids about the new baby after presents though. That's one thing Harry is looking forward to.

All the kids exchange presents and they all love what they get. Adryan would be happy with getting a bloody avocado, if he's being honest. But they're all happy with their gifts. Vera is the most fussy when it comes to what she likes and doesn't like, the others are not too bad. She liked her new footie kit with her surname on the back and a new Xbox game. Blake loves her new baking kit with fondant tools and a pair of trousers she'd been eyeing for a while. Leo loves the new set of books he'd been asking for and Adryan is delighted with a new plush toy and two sweaters. He does make a note to tell Louis and Harry that he's too old for teddy bears after this though, which they both find amusing.

As they settle after the presents, Harry is about to announce that they have news when Louis speaks up.

"I didn't give you yours," Louis says, grabbing a gift bag and handing it to Harry.

Harry blinks, surprised. "Oh, uh thanks."

The kids look at him eagerly as he pulls out a box from the bag. It looks like a jewelry box. Harry swallows, nerves heightened as he opens it up to reveal a shimmering pearly necklace. He let's out a breath. "You remembered," he says, touched, looking up at Louis.

Louis smiles softly. "I'd planned to get it almost a year ago and wanted to order it but they always didn't have the one you liked. So a few months ago, they told me that they did and I had to get it."

Bitterly, he wonders if he'd received notice of that while he was fucking George but he looks down at the necklace again and he can't help but feel... touched, flattered, important. He wishes this was something he'd gotten months ago— not the necklace per se, just the sentiment behind it. Harry had been eyeing it years ago, right after Adryan was born. He didn't think Louis would remember. But he did and Harry doesn't know to think anymore. It's one gesture— one fucking gesture— and he's, like, pulled into a turmoil.

"Thank you," he says, a little choked up, "I really like it."

"Yeah, of course," Louis nods.

"Um," Harry closes the box, placing it aside, "your present— I didn't— I—"

"It's fine, you've given me everything I need, Harry. Actually, a little more," he grins, nodding towards the kids, "wanna tell them?"

Harry has to blink again. He's so overwhelmed, suddenly, he can only nod, clearing his throat.

"What is it?" Blake asks, worried.

"I'm, um, I'm having a baby," Harry says, voice feeling detached from his body.

"Really?" Vera asks excitedly.

Louis nods. "Yeah, you're gonna be a big sister again."

"Yes," she cheers.

"I get to be a big brother," Adryan grins, one tooth missing.

"You do," Louis confirms, "excited?"

"Yes," Adryan nods, "thanks daddy."

Harry chuckles softly.

"Wait, really?" Leo asks, looking confused, eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, um," Louis looks at Harry, "I know this is a little confusing but like I said, it's complicated and we're working it out."

"We're working something out," Harry amends, "but we're happy about another baby and we hope you guys can be too."

"We are," Blake smiles.

"Working what out?" Vera asks, tilting her head to the side curiously.

"Just adult stuff, V," Louis waves her off, "confusing adult stuff."

"Very confusing," Leo adds, brows still furrowed.

"I know but hey, you get to be a big brother again," Louis grins. Leo passes him a small smile but he's clearly still confused and has a lot of questions.

"I'll answer whatever questions you have later, okay?" Harry says, "I'd really love it if you'd be a great big brother to this little one too."

"Of course _I_ will," Blake says, "you don't even have to tell _me_ that."

"I know, love," Harry smiles, watching Leo roll his eyes.

"Me too," Adryan chimes in, "I'm gonna teach her how to ride a bike, like me."

"Sweetheart, we don't know if we're having a boy or girl yet," Louis says, ruffling his hair.

"Oh," he pouts, "but I'll still be the favourite, right?"

They all chuckle at that. "You're always the favourite, babe," Harry says, kissing his cheek.

"Thanks," he drawls out with a grin, "is the baby in your tummy, daddy?"

Harry nods, patting the couch space next to him for Adryan to sit next to him. Adryan sits close. "Here," Harry pulls up his sweater a bit to show his tummy. He places Adryan's small hand on the skin of his stomach.

"I don't feel anything," he frowns.

"You won't be able to. Not until a few more weeks," Harry kisses his cheek again. He can't help it; Adryan has chubby cheeks.

Harry looks up to see the other kids looking at them, smiling, even Leo. Louis is smiling too, though his seems a little sad. Unintentionally, their eyes meet but Harry quickly looks away, back at Adryan. He doesn't want to think anymore. He wishes everything could just go back to normalcy, if he's honest. Back when they were happy together. He wonders, if they do want to work on their marriage, if they can ever get back to that.

___

For New Years, they spend it with friends and family. Harry is already tired by the time ten in the evening comes around. And he can't drink anything, so he's not having a very good time, if he's being honest. He's only watching everyone else get drunk and all loved up the later and later it gets. Louis is here. He's been staying more or less sober, in fact. Harry's only seen him drink a beer and now a glass of champagne. But he's just... staring at Harry constantly, like he's expecting something.

Harry doesn't know what he wants or what he expects because there's nothing. There won't be a kiss at midnight for them. The first time Harry won't kiss Louis in over a decade. He swallows, making his way to the kitchen. He might as well stay here for the rest of night, honestly. The kids are occupied with cousins and friends — aside from Adryan who's fast asleep— so he has no reason to stay out there, under Louis' intense gaze.

It's really unfair that he gets to look like a kicked puppy the whole time when he's the one who made a mistake. Who made a big mistake. Sighing, Harry fills up a plastic cup with water and leans against the counter, taking a sip. It's kind of nice that they're not hosting New Year's Eve for once. They normally always do; it's become a tradition. But, given the circumstances, he opted out of hosting this year, which everyone understood. Well, the people that knew about him and Louis at least.

"Hey,"

Harry squeezes his eyes shut before glancing at the clock, seeing that there's fifteen minutes left for midnight. God, midnight cannot come soon enough.

"Hey," Harry returns to Louis reluctantly, looking down at his cup. He hasn't really spoken to Louis since he'd given Harry his Christmas present. Hell, Harry hasn't even given Louis the gifts he'd gotten for him yet. He doesn't know if he ever will. Either way, it's just been... weird for Harry, to see him again so often. It's making his brain all fuzzy.

"Why are you in here all alone?" Louis asks, standing opposite Harry. Harry looks at him and sighs. He looks handsome, as he always does; hair falling over his forehead, eyes shimmering blue, lips pink and god, Harry misses him. He misses him and he hates it.

Harry shrugs, looking away again. "Kids are occupied for now," he mumbles, "I'll go wish them right after midnight; let them spend it with their friends and cousins."

Louis searches his eyes and nods. "Hey, um, I know you said you wanted to work on things regarding yourself before anything else, and I'm all for it. I just wanted to know... if, um, if I could spend some time with the kids? Well, with you too but... you know," he clears his throat, "anyways, I got a call for an interview at this firm and if I get it, the hours are reasonable and my work is overall quite flexible."

Harry bites his lip. Why couldn't he have done this a year ago? When he knew he was fucking everything up. He could have spent more time with them, then maybe he wouldn't have found someone else to sleep with.

"So, I just wanted to spend some more time with them before I actually start working again— hopefully," he chuckles a bit then stops abruptly, like he shouldn't have, "so, yeah, what do you say?"

Harry let's out a shaky breath. "You can," he says, "I just... I still need my space. Is there any way I can drop them off by you? Do you have your own place?"

Louis' eyes widen a bit. "No, I— I didn't really look into that."

"Well, you might have to soon," he mumbles, "will I be able to drop them off at Niall's?"

Louis nods, a little pale.

"Okay, great. They won't stay over because I can't imagine Niall has enough space for four kids and you."

"They won't," he mumbles back, "listen, Harry, I—"

Harry frowns, waiting for him to continue. "What?"

"I love you," he breathes out, "I really, really do and spending the last week with you... I just... I miss us— I miss our family so much. Don't you?"

Harry chuckles lowly, shaking his head. "Yeah, I do miss our family, Louis but I don't really think it's fair of you to use that against me right now— or ever, really."

"No, I'm not— I'm not using them against you, I'm telling you the truth. I'm telling you that I can't stop thinking about you and that I love just as much as the day I fucking met you. I'm telling you that I don't think I can live with myself if I can never sleep next to you again, if I can never hug you or hold you or kiss you. I'm telling you that I was the stupidest person on earth to think I could ever love someone that's not you," he ends with a laugh, "I could never ever love someone else, Harry. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through but you are the love of my life and I know I'm going to miserable without you."

Harry feels tears well up in his eyes. He really doesn't know what to say.

"But..." Louis continues, licking his lips, "I also know that all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy and if that means it's not with me anymore, then I'll— I'll have to make peace with that and leave you be and move on. Because you deserve that, Harry. You've lost that spark in you that I promised I'd always keep alive," he smiles sadly, "and I didn't keep that promise but you need that spark, love. If I don't give it to you anymore, then you'll be damn sure to remove me from your life, okay? I know I'll be sad but that doesn't matter. I've made you sad for way too long now. You deserve to be happy. I just want to tell you that whatever you decide at the end of this, promise me it's because you know it'll make you happy."

Harry's full on crying now. He's sure Louis' speech is prompted by the alcohol, even if it isn't that much, he tends to get sentimental and emotional when he drinks. He should have remembered that.

"We have kids together, you know?" Harry says shakily, "I cant just remove you from my life."

"I know," Louis shrugs, "but I'll stay away if that's what you want— honest to god, I really will. As long as that makes you happy."

"Are you saying all of this because you want to be with George without having a guilty conscience?" Harry asks. It's a stupid question but he can't help but feel insecure about it all.

Louis sighs. He places his cup down and grabs Harry's free hand into his. "Harry, I just told you that I'm madly in love with you and that I miss you. I'm really not trying to get anyone else. I don't care about George, okay? He's out of the picture for good. He was hardly in it in the first place."

Harry scoffs.

"You know what I mean," he mumbles, frowning, "I'm so sorry I've made you feel like this," he says, "but I want you, Harry Tomlinson. I want you and I always have and always will."

Harry places his cup down and collapses into him. He starts sobbing into Louis' shoulder while Louis holds him tightly. Harry's not sure why he does it but he misses this. He misses the way Louis holds him, the way he rubs Harry's back, the way he whispers sweetly into Harry's ears to try and calm him down. He just fucking misses Louis so damn much. And it's killing him because he's so hurt. He's still so hurt.

"I can't tr-trust you again, you know?" Harry still cries into his shoulder.

"I know I broke it, I do. But we can work on it if that's what you want. We can do anything together, H. Dream team, remember?" Louis pulls away a bit, hands on Harry's waist. He reaches up with his right hand to wipe away Harry's tears. "I love you," he says again, pushing their foreheads together, "and I'm here for you, Harry. I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere, not as long as you want me to."

Just then, the countdown begins and Harry is still in Louis' arms and it feels so right but so wrong at the same time. He can't tell which one is overpowering the other because he's so _overwhelmed._ All he knows is that he's missed this so damn much. Everyone cheers and whistles and blowers go off. Harry is still looking at Louis and Louis at him.

"Happy new year," Louis says softly, cupping his face and kissing his forehead lightly, "this year is gonna be a great one for you, okay?"

Harry sniffs, wiping his eyes with his hands and blinks, finally pulling away. "We should go find the kids and wish them," he says.

Louis nods, only showing a little bit of disappointment. Harry's not sure about what exactly. He's not curious to find out though. So, he leaves the kitchen and searches for the kids instead to wish them.

____

Harry has his first therapy appointment today which means Louis gets to spend some time with the kids while he can. He starts his new job next week Monday so he's cherishing these moments with them. That, and he's not sure how often he'll get to see them if Harry decides he wants a divorce. He did say he wants full custody last they spoke.

Louis shakes his head. He can't stop thinking about that stuff ever since Harry told him about meeting a lawyer. But he feels like New Years was some sort of progress? He just realized that he has to stop being so selfish. He loves Harry more than anything but he has to accept that he's screwed it all up and he has to face the consequences for his actions.

"Pap, can you help?"

Louis blinks out of his thoughts. "Yeah, come sit here and I'll brush your hair," Louis says, patting the spit between his legs on the carpet.

"Thanks," Blake mumbles, sitting down. Louis grabs the hairbrush and brushes through her hair softly. It's not too badly knotted aside from a big one in the middle of her hair.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?" He says, right before getting to the big one. She nods.

As he's brushing through it, she speaks again. "Pap?"

"Yeah?" He stops his movements.

"You still love dad, right?"

"I do, I told you I do, love," Louis frowns, starting his brushing again, "why do you ask again?"

"Because... does he know it?"

"I've told him lots of times, yeah," he answers, still confused.

"But have you showed it to him?" She asks. Louis stops, placing the brush down. She turns to him. "He's crying a lot, you know? Leo told me he hears it too."

Louis swallows. "I know."

"Because you hurt him... that's what Leo said," Blake says, picking at the carpet.

"I did and I'm very very sorry for doing it. I'm trying to make it right."

"Ok... so, show him that you love him, pap," she says, as if it's supposed to be obvious.

"What do you mean?"

She huffs, frustrated. "Like how you give us cuddles or make us hot chocolate or take us out for ice cream— it's like telling us that you love us too, but you're showing it, you know?"

Louis nods. "I— Uh, okay? What do you think I should do?"

"I can't help with everything, pap," she rolls her eyes then turns around again, "I can help you bake something, if you'd like that."

Louis hums. "You might be onto something, Blake."

He loves the idea but he did promise not to pressure Harry about anything, not while he's trying to get help for himself. And he intends to keep that promise. So, he's not sure how he can carry out Blake's idea without breaking that promise. He's already broken one too many. Maybe he could do a birthday surprise for Harry though.

"Pap?"

"Yeah?" Louis blinks again.

"Please don't leave us," she says quietly.

Louis stops brushing again, placing it aside. "Oh, babe," he turns her around, hugging her tightly, "I won't leave you, I promise."

"Promise?" She mumbles.

"I promise," he kisses her head.

"Good," she pulls away and grabs the brush, "now let me do my hair properly."

Louis laughs. "Go do just that then."

Blake smiles, popping her dimple before getting up and ruffling his hair and sauntering away. Louis huffs out a laugh, straightening his hair again. Maybe he should start planning something for Harry's birthday. He has a few weeks to do so though so for now, he'll enjoy the time he can spend with his kids.

____

"HAPPY BI—"

"Stop," Harry hisses, covering Zayn's mouth.

Zayn frowns. Harry removes his hands from Zayn's mouth, peeping at the stairs. "You're gonna wake the kids up."

Zayn's frowns deepens. "Your kids aren't awake and it's your birthday?"

Harry shrugs, beckoning him over to the kitchen. "They spent a lot of time with Louis last night and came home later than usual."

Zayn places a bouquet of flowers on the island counter. "Well, happy birthday anyways," he says, "give me a vase so I can put your flowers in 'em."

"I'll put them in it," Harry says, grabbing a vase from a top shelf, "and thank you; I love this combination."

"Really? Wasn't sure about the sunflowers honestly," Zayn says.

"Why not?" Harry asks, eyebrows furrowed.

"Aren't they... Louis' favourite?" Zayn asks.

Harry pauses. How on earth did he forget that?

"You forgot?"

Harry swallows. "Kind of..." he places it in the vase, "I'm just— I don't know— pregnancy brain?"

"Right," Zayn purses his lips, which means he wants to say more but he doesn't. Instead, he changes the subject— somewhat. "How's this pregnancy going?"

"Fine, I guess," he shrugs, "found out we're having a boy, by the way."

Zayn looks surprised.

"What?" Harry asks, placing the vase in the middle of the island.

"By the way?" Zayn repeats.

"It's just their sex," Harry shrugs.

Zayn frowns. "Harry, mate... you've always been so excited for every one of your kids. It was never just a 'by the way' thing."

Harry feels his eyes well up with tears. "I know," he sucks in a breath to stop himself for, crying, "it's just— it's hard, okay? It's hard to feel excited about this if your whole life is falling apart. I don't want a baby in the middle of this."

Zayn blinks again, surprised. "Haz... why didn't you say anything sooner? I— is it too to... I don't know, you can—"

"It's too late," Harry shakes his head, "and I— I want a baby but I also don't and it's so confusing to me. My therapist says the reason why I don't could be because I'm scared to do this by myself."

"So, you're... doing this by yourself then?" Zayn asks, unsure.

"I don't know," he sobs into his arm, "I don't fucking know."

"Oh, Harry," Zayn sighs, pulling him in for a hug. "Babes, it's okay. It'll be okay."

"I miss him so much and I hate it," Harry cries into shirt.

Zayn sighs. "If you miss him and you still love him... then I think you already know what you want to do, H."

"I can't," Harry huffs, pulling away, "it's not that easy anymore— he's lost my trust. Every time I look at him my heart hurts, Zayn. It physically hurts me. I don't know how to get over that. He wants to work on things but I'm scared he'll hurt me all over again."

Zayn gives a sympathetic look which Harry generally hates. He's too sad to hate it right now though.

"And I'm on anti-depressants, by the way," he laughs, "it's not a high dosage but after only five fucking sessions, he put me on anti-depressants."

"I didn't know you can take them while you're pregnant," Zayn mutters, wiping his friends tears away.

"Selective ones," Harry says, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve, "can't believe my mum was right."

"Harry, you'll be okay. I know you're probably tired of hearing this but you'll be okay, trust me. You've gone through so much these past few months and you're a great dad, a great friend, and you're still having another baby, despite everything. Not many people can say they can go through whatever you are and still come out being so strong at the end of it all."

Harry nods, letting out a tired breath. "I'm just so tired," he says, leaning against the counter, "and I miss my husband," he laughs in a self-deprecating manner, "and he's suddenly saying all the right things, and he's being amazing... honestly, Zayn, he's spending time with the kids and he's working again, he finds time for them. I wish— I wish he could have done this a year ago, before— well, you know."

Zayn remains quiet so Harry carries on. "It's not like I've forgotten what he's done, trust me, I haven't," he sniffs, "after New Years... he's been giving me the space I asked for but then it's like... he's back to the old Louis he was, you know? The one I fell in love with and— and talking to Dr. Huckleberry, I know I made some mistakes too. I pushed him away when he asked if we needed help in our relationship and I—"

"Wait, what?" Zayn stands straighter.

"Yeah it was when we first started to... have issues, I guess? Over a year ago. We were fighting a lot and he made and off-handed comment about how we should get help from a marriage counselor and I just— I got so defensive because I never thought we'd reach that point, you know? Well, after that, it just felt like he gave up on us. He stopped being so affectionate and he stopped fighting back, he started coming home later than usual and then he cheated on me and it's all my fault."

"It's not your fault that he ch—"

"No, it's my fault because I should have said we did need help, I should have made the effort," he sighs, "I know he's wrong but I am too— him, obviously more than me, but it's not like I'm innocent, Zayn."

"Wow," Zayn exhales, "I just came to wish you happy birthday you know?"

Harry chuckles. "I'm sorry. I haven't spoken to someone about this stuff in a while and you're my best friend," he shrugs, "besides, I've been told to talk about how I feel more."

Zayn nods. "I'm glad you are. Have you— have you by any chance spoken to Louis about everything you're feeling recently?"

"No, I just need time to figure things out, I'm not— does he even deserve to know?"

"Well, I mean, I think he's hoping that you guys will work something out, so if you're any closer to that decision... it might be a good idea to talk to him about it."

"Yeah, you sound like my therapist," Harry smirks.

Zayn snorts. "Anyways, I came here to take you and the kids out for brunch," he says, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder, "but maybe you and I can have a good talk one of these days. What do you say?"

Harry nods. "You don't have to take us for brunch, Zayn, honestly—"

"No, I have to," Zayn smiles, "go get ready and wake those kids up."

"Fine," Harry sighs, "give us at least an hour."

"An hour?"

"You know how long my kids can take in the shower."

Zayn rolls his eyes. "Fine, I'm helping myself to something to drink in the mean time then."

"Uh, where are we going?" Harry asks, scanning the buildings as they drive.

"You'll see," Zayn smirks. Harry furrows his brows, looking at his kids through the rear view. None of them give away anything... besides Adryan. He passes Harry a mischievous smile before covering his mouth with his hands.

Harry turns around to face him as much as he can with a stomach in the way. "Adi, what are you not telling me?"

Adryan shrugs, biting back a smile. "Wait and see, daddy."

Harry huffs, turning back around. "Great."

"That one is all you," Zayn mumbles, smirking, "can't keep a secret without giving something away."

Harry chuckles. "Leave him alone."

Turns out, the surprise is at Tiffany's, a high-end brunch/breakfast place. He's been here twice with Louis and they both love it. Though it is very pricey so they didn't do it much. They did plan on taking the kids here at one stage, but well... And now, it's a little awkward but he's not going to say anything about it. He's here with people he cares about and that's all that matters.

"Zayn... this place is expensive," Harry says as they park.

Zayn rolls his eyes. "Stop with that. Everything is taken care of. Let's go inside."

Harry sighs, helping his kids out the car and heading to the entrance. When he walks in, Harry let's out a small gasp.

"Happy birthday!"

Harry grins. "I knew it," he looks down at Adryan, pinching his cheek.

"It was all my idea, you know?" He says.

"Oh, really?" Harry raises an eyebrow at him and shakes his head. He looks up and spots a few familiar faces; Liam, his mum, Gemma, his nieces, Zayn's and Liam's kids, even Niall and Louis right at the end. His smile falls a bit but he quickly pulls it together.

"Thank you," he says, cheeks hot.

"Come on, sweetie, come sit here," his mum beckons him to the chair next to her, "kids have a table next to us."

"Our own table," Vera cheers, "thank god."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Thank you guys," he says, turning to Zayn, "thank you too."

"Of course, mate," Zayn claps his back.

Harry sits next to his mum, holding his tummy — because he can do that now. It goes well, more or less. He's still aware that Louis is there, sitting a few seats away from him, remaining quiet other than a few words exchanged between Niall and him. But he tries not to concentrate on that. Evidently, it doesn't work, because Zayn nudges his side saying he stares too much.

"You're gonna burn a hole in his head, mate," Zayn mutters to him.

Harry looks away. "Why would you invite him here?" He asks.

"Uh, actually it was the opposite, H."

Harry looks at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

Zayn bites his lip. "He said not to tell you but you would have eventually figured it out, honestly. He planned all this. Him and Blake, really."

As if in a movie, when Harry turns to look at Louis again, Blake is sitting with him and they're laughing about something together before giving each other a high five. His heart aches. It really hurts for so many different reasons.

"He did this?" Harry asks, looking at Zayn again.

"Yes, with Blake," Zayn repeats, "he said it was all her idea, really."

Harry smiles at that. Blake has always been extra thoughtful. All his kids are amazing but Blake just had like an extra streak in her.

He doesn't quite know how to respond though so he leaves it be for now. They cut a cake for Harry and sing for him and overall, it's a great day so far. It's the happiest and calmest he's been in a while.

Once most of the guests leave, he's left with his kids, his mum and Louis and Niall. Harry goes to Blake first, where she's still by her other fathers side, talking about something or another.

"The cake is covered in a chocolate ganache but I think it's too sweet. They should have used a darker chocolate," he catches Blake saying.

Louis hums, paying close attention to her like she's saying the most interesting thing in the world. "Next time you'll make it then, yeah?"

She grins, then spots Harry. "Hey, dad," she gets up, hugging him again, "did you like your surprise?"

"I loved it," he says honestly, kissing the top of her head, "I understand that you're the mastermind behind the whole thing then?"

She looks up at him and shrugs sheepishly. "Mine and paps idea, actually."

Harry swallows. Right. "Yeah?" he asks, feigning innocence.

"Honestly, mostly her idea," Louis speaks up before Blake can reply. She frowns at him.

"No, you said dad likes this place, remember? And you made a booking. It's you too, pap," she insists then looks at Harry again, "it's great isn't it?"

At this point, Harry is well aware that the others around them are listening in and looking at them too. "Thank you," he says, mostly looking down at Blake and kissing her head again before passing a brief glance to Louis too.

Between New Years Eve and now, Harry feels like he's gotten a bit more clarity on his wellbeing which is a good thing. Yet somehow, he still doesn't know what he wants to do regarding their marriage.

People will probably thing he's a fool for staying with someone who's cheated on him. Hell, even he thinks he's a fool for even considering it.

But Louis--- he does things like this and it throws Harry off completely. Suddenly, it's not about other people or what his head is telling him, it's his heart that still yearns for his husband. He misses Louis and that's not news, but he can't seem to shake it as much anymore.

They don't really bring it up after that, they head home and Harry immediately goes to the couch, 'cause his back is starting to ache now. He hates that part of the pregnancy. Adryan joins him because Adryan is always attached to Harry. He leans into Harry, talking his ear off about something or another, first about his favourite animals, which are whales and sloths now, then about his best friends at school, to his sister teaching him how to bake.

Harry can at least be entertained by Adryan. His other kids scatter off to do their own things, and his mum offers to help around the house a bit. Harry assumes that Louis left after coming to say goodbye to the kids but when he turns around and glances at the kitchen, he sees Louis talking to his mum about something.

Curious, he zones out of Adryan's conversation to try and depict what they're saying to each other. It doesn't look like they're arguing per se, but both of them have frowns on their faces. So, they're having a serious discussion. His mum has her arms crossed over her chest and Louis is looking down most of the time, like he's ashamed and being scolded at.

Harry pinches his brows together. He tries to focus on reading their lips when Adryan tugs his shirt.

"Daddy, it's a spider!" he shrieks, jumping up, pointing to the carpet.

That surely grabs Anne's and Louis' attention. Harry sighs, looking at the tiny spider on the carpet. Louis rushes in. "What happened?"

"It's a _spider_ ," Adryan whispers, crawling towards Louis and holding out his arms.

Louis let's out a breath, gathering Adryan into his arms. "It's a small spider, love. It's not going to do anything."

"They all bite," Adryan argues, "take me away."

"Go ahead, I'll sweep it out," Anne says, already heading to the broom closet.

Louis sighs when Adryan tucks his face into his neck. He rubs his back, looking at Harry. "I'll take him upstairs for a bit and then I'll be out of your hair."

Harry purses his lips, nodding. He's still curious to know what Louis and his mum were talking about.

Anne sweeps the small spider out the sliding door and shuts it, sitting down next to Harry. She let's out an exhale and smiles at him, cupping his cheeks.

"Can't believe you're thirty three," she says, "just yesterday I was carrying you in my arms."

Harry smiles softly. "Don't cry on me."

"I won't," she snorts. "You look like you're doing a little better though. How are you feeling?"

Harry sighs, shrugging. "Part of me feels better. I feel myself wanting to get more connected to this baby," Harry says, rubbing his tummy with a smile on his face, "I'm having a boy by the way." 

After speaking with Zayn, he knows that he wants to try and be more connected to the baby.

"Yeah?" She smiles. "When is your next appointment?"

"Day after Valentines day," he says, "will you be able to come over and look after the kids? Louis is working that day."

"Yes," She says, then clears her throat, "have you two talked?"

Harry frowns. "About?"

"Your marriage. You need to make a decision, love," she says gently, "can't keep staying in the unknown forever, especially with kids."

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm just trying to figure things out with me first. I told Louis this and he said he'll give me my space, which he has been doing. Today is the most I've seen him, really."

"Okay," she nods, "I'm just saying this because of your kids. They're confused and the smaller two don't understand whats going on, exactly. Well, Vera might be catching on, but Adryan doesnt. This new baby won't either. Think of your kids as well, okay? Take care of yourself but don't forget about your kids either."

Harry frowns. That doesn't sound... Fair. But he's not going to argue with her. He thinks about his kids-- of course he does. He always thinks about them. Even when he talks to his therapist, he always brings up his kids. Dr. Huckleberry tells him to set them aside half of the time, so he get a clearer view of his own emotions. Still, he doesn't say anything to her about that. He knows he has to make a decision soon.

"What were you talking about to Louis?" Harry asks instead.

"Oh, you saw that?"

Harry nods.

"Well, just about where his head is at, really. He planned this whole birthday brunch for you, you know? Well, you do know that. So, I just wanted to see what he wants to do from here on out."

"What did he say?" Harry asks.

Anne twitches her lips. "I think you know," she says, "seems he really does want to work things out."

Harry sighs. "Mum, it's not that easy."

" _Why_?" she asks, like shes desperate to understand.

"He thought he was in love with the guy," Harry snaps in a hiss, "I can't just come back from that, okay?"

Anne's face drains of colour. "He what?"

Harry huffs. He didn't tell his mum this for a reason. Mostly because he felt embarrassed, not good enough.

"He said-- look, it's not easy, okay? Please just give me some time. Louis respects that, please do the same for me."

She clears her throat. "Okay, I'm---I'm sorry. I'm just glad you're doing better."

"Thanks," Harry sighs. In that moment, Louis trudges down the stairs, meeting them in the lounge again.

"He's occupied with his sister," Louis says, "spider is forgotten."

Harry laughs. "Thanks."

"I think I should go then," Anne says, getting off the couch, "let me say goodbye to the kids and I'll be off."

She places a kiss on Harry's cheek and gives Louis a tight smile before heading upstairs.

Then it's just the two of them.

Quickly, Louis speaks up. "I think I should leave too."

"Okay," Harry chews on his lip.

"Um, Happy birthday, by the way. I don't think I've said that," he laughs, "but, yeah, happy birthday."

"Thank you and, um, thank you for today. I really did have fun," he says honestly, bashfully.

Louis grins like Harry's said something that means the world to him. "I'm glad. You deserve it. Especially with the baby and all."

Harry rubs his tummy at that. "Yeah, thanks again."

He turns to go out before Harry stops him again.

"Yes?" Louis asks.

"We're going to have a boy," he says.

He watches Louis grin widely. "We're having a baby boy?"

Harry nods. He can tell Louis wants to do more but he doesn't. He just looks down at Harry's tummy and shakes his head, grin on his face.

"Um , I'll see you soon then. Thank you for telling me."

"Yeah, of course," Harry says with a small smile.

Louis smiles once more before turning around and heading out the door. Not long after, his mum does the same. Then it's just Harry left in the living room, all by himself. 

___  
  


Valentines Day comes and Harry has been dreading it. Aside from the family dinner his mum organized for him, Louis and the kids, he's really dreading it.

He and Louis are... Fine. They're neither here nor there and Harry knows they need to talk about it because it's also been nagging on his brain recently.

He doesn't exactly know what they need to talk about, just that they do. Maybe the status of their relationship. Probably that. But the thought makes him nervous enough.

Sighing, Harry straightens his suit jacket and runs a hand through his hair. His mum has the kids and they're all meant to meet at the restaurant so Harry leaves beforehand, wanting to be punctual. 

___*  
  


Louis is nervous to spend this Valentines Day with Harry. It's the first time in years that they're not going to do something together, just the two of them.

Sure, he'll be there at least with the kids but it's not the same. They made Valentines Day romantic-- extra romantic. Today is going to be so different.

He sighs, fixing his fringe in the bathroom mirror before grabbing his keys and heading out. He wants to be early. He doesn't need Harry being upset with him for something else.

Plus, he wants to get there before the kids get dropped off by Anne. Louis really doesn't know why she'd planned a family thing on Valentines Day but he can't complain. At least he'll get to spend _some_ time with Harry.

When he gets there, he's not surprised to see Harry getting out at the same time. They smile tentatively at each other, greeting amicably.

"Anne here already?" is what Louis asks after they greet.

"I'm not sure. She didn't answer my texts. Maybe we should go inside and check?"

Louis nods and follows Harry's lead to the restaurant. He can't help but stare at Harry. He looks so beautiful in pink and he chose that satin blouse he'd kept from Adryans pregnancy. It drives Louis mad seeing him in it.

"Hi, we have a reservation for Tomlinson."

The man at the front nods, checking his book . "Reservation for two?"

Louis frowns. "For six," Louis corrects.

The man frowns. "I'm sorry, sir. This reservation is only for two."

Harry and Louis give each other a look.

"Um, okay, I think there might be a misunderstanding. Can you give us a minute?" Harry asks.

The man nods and Harry walks back outside, Louis again following behind him.

He watches Harry dial his mums number and waits patiently.

"Blake?" Harry asks, "where's nan?"

"She's busy at the moment," she says. Louis can hear her giggle from the speaker phone.

"It's urgent," Harry insists.

"Nan said to tell you that we think you two should enjoy the reservation. She'll keep us company."

Louis and Harry once again give each other a look.

"I think this was a good idea, Leo," Blake says in a whisper.

"What?" Louis speaks up this time.

"Nan said enjoy dinner and she'll speak to you tomorrow, dad!" Blake says.

"Wait, Blake---" Louis says but then the line goes dead.

He looks down, connecting the dots in his head.

"Did we get parent trapped?" Harry asks, looking at Louis, reaching the same conclusion.

Louis blinks. "We did," he snorts, shaking his head, "can't believe I fell for that."

He should have known it was weird when Anne insisted she keep the kids for the day. It's not odd, just that she wanted so badly to do it on this day was out of the ordinary.

"Me neither," Harry smiles, looking at beautiful as ever. Louis tries to look away but he really can't.

"Well, we can still enjoy a dinner, if you'd like?" Louis asks, hope blooming in his chest.

Harry bites his lip. "You think that'll be a good idea?"

"It's just dinner," Louis shrugs.

"On Valentines day," Harry says, raising an eyebrow at him.

Louis sighs. "It's only dinner. I promise I'll have you home before ten. Plus, maybe we both need some time alone to talk a bit, don't you think?"

Harry stares at him for a bit before nodding. "Okay," he agrees.

Louis counts it as win. They sit near a window and order pastas, one creamy, one tomato based. As they wait for their food, Louis gulps, wringing his wrists on his lap.

"So, um, how's therapy been going?" Louis asks carefully. He doesn't want to push Harry into talking about anything he doesn't want to.

Harry shrugs. "It's okay. I like Dr. Huckleberry and I'm feeling better since taking the meds, more excited and stuff about the baby, you know?"

Louis frowns. "Meds?"

Harry's face falls. "Oh, right. I'm---I'm on anti depressants. Been taking them for a few weeks now."

Louis feels an ache in his chest.

"Don't, Louis. Don't do that. I had a lot of issues I needed to discuss and yes, you cheating didn't help but please don't put that guilt on me."

Louis swallows. He's right. "You're right. I'm--- I'm glad you're doing better though."

"I am. I... I realized that I should have gotten help earlier, for one. For our relationship too. I-- _I'm_ sorry for not listening when you suggested us going for counseling."

Louis remembers that. He'd felt so disconnected from Harry and it was killing him, so he suggested going for therapy but Harry got defensive and Louis felt that that was the last straw, so he left it alone, he distanced himself from Harry and his family as result and maybe that's why he felt like it was okay to start an affair with George.

"It's okay. I only suggested it once. I should have fought harder for us --- for you," Louis says quietly, "I don't think I can apologize enough for what I did."

Harry shakes his head. "I know, I just needed to get that off my chest before anything else."

"Okay, thank you for sharing that with me. Uh, I think I should start seeing a therapist too."

Harry looks up at him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean, I told my son not to bottle things up but I'm still doing the same thing. A bit hypocritical innit?" he laughs dryly.

"That's... Good. Good for you," Harry says, sounding sincere.

"I---I just wanted to ask... I know you're taking some time for yourself and everything. I just wanna know where you're at in terms of us? I need to know if I have to start looking for my own place or not. Can't squat at Niall's forever and I want the kids to stay over, if it has to come to that."

Harry plays with the tablecloth, pinching it between his fingers. He sees Harry visibly swallow. "Do you want an honest answer?"

Louis tries his best for a gentle smile. "Yes, H, that's why I asked."

"I think you should start looking for a place of your own," he says quietly, eyes slightly wide, like he's scared of Louis' reaction.

Louis doesn't want that. He'll have time later to cry about it. For now, he nods shortly.

"I'm not--- I don't wanna give you false hope," Harry elaborates, "I think it'll be better if you get your own place."

"I'll look into it," Louis replies, "I know you don't want to, so don't worry about it."

Harry stays silent for a bit. Louis breaks it.

"This is a bit of a loaded question. I just--- you said you don't want to give me false hope but can you answer one thing for me? I won't ask about anything else if you don't want me to."

Harry nods hesitantly. "Okay."

"Do you still love me? Or... Or have feelings for me? I just--- I want to know if there's anything left for us to fight for."

Harry sighs. "Louis, I think you're forgetting that I never cheated. I didn't think I fell in love with anyone else. I never stopped loving you. _We_ may have forgotten our love but _I_ never once stopped loving you."

Louis feels his breath catch in his throat. "Okay, I--- I do love you. I told you, I thought I felt love for... For George, but I never did."

Harry winces. "Right, how is he?"

Louis frowns. "I don't know. I've cut off every tie I have with him from the moment I realized I want to work on things with you. You know this already."

"Oh," Harry says, "one of my biggest fears is that you'll do it again, you know? If I give you a chance, you'll just go back to him or someone else."

Louis smiles sadly. "I know, and I get that. But I know what it's like to lose you. I'll never do it again in my life, trust me. I love you. I love my family. You guys are all I want, all I care about. And I know that's gonna take some time for you to realize again if you--- if you do decide to work on things with me."

Harry only nods in return. Then their food comes and they're mostly sitting in silence.

"Hey, did you watch the new season of Lucifer?" Louis asks as they're finishing up, deciding they need a change of topic.

Harry shakes his head. "I felt weird watching it without you," he admits.

"God, same," Louis breathes out, "I started the first episode and I stopped it like two minutes in."

"Same here," Harry laughs a bit.

"Do you wanna, maybe watch an episode?" Louis asks. "We could go back home and watch one. Only watch the series, that's all."

Harry nods. "Okay, fine," he agrees.

"Great," he smiles, "do you remember our first Valentines day?" Louis asks, hoping he didn't make things worse.

Luckily, Harry smiles. "When you drunkenly proposed to me, you mean?"

Louis chuckles. "Yes, that one."

"We'd only been together for a month," Harry continues, smiling, "and I remember thinking that you were crazy for wanting that so soon."

"I just-- I knew when I met you, practically . It was a long time coming, honestly."

"Knew what?"

"That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you," he says honestly, "I may have been drunk but you know I'm honest when I'm drunk."

Harrys eyes soften. "Yes, well, shortly after that you knocked me up so..."

Louis barks out a surprised laugh. He's happy to see Harry smiling too. "You don't regret that do you?" Louis asks, sobering a bit.

Harry shakes his head. "I don't regret our kids. Never have, never will."

Louis smiles.

"Do you? Regret it, I mean. Us, the kids-- everything."

His smile falls. "No, God, no," he shakes his head immediately, "do you--- do you think I do?"

Harry huffs. "I don't know. I just keep thinking about why you would have... cheated and I really come up blank so sometimes those thoughts come to mind, yes."

Louis places his fork down, appetite gone. "I'll never regret you or our kids, Harry," he says fiercely.

"I think--- I think I know that, deep down. I just can't help but be insecure, okay? I gave you an out all those years ago, when I first got pregnant."

"Harry, I told you, I practically wanted to marry the second I met you. Meeting you, having you-- it's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

He hopes Harry can hear the sincerity behind his words. He loves this man more than anything in the world.

"I made a mistake. A huge fucking mistake," Louis continues, "and I wish more than anything that I could take it back but I can't. So, I'm gonna do whatever I can to make you happy, something I should have done in the first place. If that means we--we do get a divorce, then so be it."

Harry's eyes turn a little glassy. " Okay, I--- thank you."

"Don't thank me for something i should have been doing all along."

"I'm sorry I didn't make you happy either," Harry adds, "yeah, I'm sorry about that amongst other things."

"You don't have to be sorry ab---"

"No, Louis," he cuts him off, "look, whatever you did aside, we had issues before that and I didn't want to get us help because I was denial that we even needed it. I mean we were doing good, you know? So, yes, before that, it was me too."

Louis exhales. "Right. Well, I see your therapist is helping isn't he?" he chuckles to ease the tension.

Harry smiles a bit. "He is, like I said. I'm better. Oh, uh, I have another appointment with the OBGYN tomorrow."

Hearing about the baby-- their baby boy--- it's bittersweet. Louis is over the moon to have another baby. They agreed to have five way back when. Granted, the circumstances are not ideal. But he's always been with Harry through his pregnancies. Hes been right next to him for the appointments, for the first kicks, the morning sickness, hearing the heartbeat--- everything.

He can't help but feel disconnected this time around. And he doesn't want to, is the thing. He wants to be there for everything but he also doesn't want to push Harry, not when he's ruined everything. He's only seen the little ultrasounds Harry's given him. Two so far. It's not enough... Not what he wants.

Louis doesn't even know if he can be with Harry when the baby is born which breaks his heart. He doesn't think Harry can be so harsh but he won't be surprised either. And really, maybe he deserves it.

"What time?" Louis asks, willing himself to stop thinking about it any further.

"At half twelve, so lunch time," Harry explains, "um, do you want to come with?"

Louis actually gasps in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah, I know it's last minute... But you can come if you want to," Harry shrugs.

"Yes, of course I want to. I'll be there," Louis says earnestly, "God, thank you."

"Yeah, don't mention it. I should have let you come a while ago," Harry says, smiling sheepishly.

"No, it's okay. I'll get to go tomorrow. I can't wait. I've been wanting to hear his heartbeat. I love doing that."

Harry smiles at him. Louis smiles back. It's okay, at least.

When they're done, Louis drives behind Harry to head home. They reach within ten minutes and there's definitely a tension in the air when they get inside.

"Um, you can sit down, let me just change out of these pants and shirt," Harry says.

"Yeah, thanks," Louis smiles, taking a seat on the couch. He fiddles with his fingers until Harry comes back, now dressed in pyjama pants and an old shirt.

He takes a seat on the furthest end of the couch, which Louis expected, but it still sucked. "So, Lucifer?" Louis asks, clearing his throat.

"Yep," Harry smiles awkwardly, getting comfortable on the sofa. He grabs the remote and puts Lucifer on.

Soon, the tension more or less disapates, aside from Harry shuffling around so much. Concerned, halfway through the second episode, Louis turns to him. "Are you okay?"

Harry's cheeks turn pink. He places a hand on his belly, rubbing it a bit before looking down at his feet. "Feet are sore," he explains.

Louis looks down and they look swollen. He frowns. "Do you want me to massage them for you?" he offers without a second thought.

Harry freezes. There's a few seconds where Louis feels like he's going to get yelled at but it doesn't come. Instead, Harry nods tentatively.

Louis smiles warmly. He sits back and pats his lap. "Come put your feet on my lap then."

Harry moves timidly, sitting against the armrest and placing his feet carefully on Louis' lap.

It's a weird thing to think but even having Harry's feet to touch again feels amazing. He's just missed touching him, in the least creepy way possible.

His feet are as soft as ever as Louis massages them, the way he always did during his pregnancies or the odd times outside of it. Harry let's out pleasant hums here and there and Louis can feel him relax as the minutes go by.

By the time they reach the third episode, fifteen minutes in, Louis is still massaging his feet, but more half-heartedly now, ready to stop but at the same time he isn't. He does stop when he hears a soft snore though.

With a smile on his face, he notices that Harry's fallen asleep. He snorts, pushing Harry's feet off of his lap carefully and grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch, draping it over Harry.

His mouth is slightly opened but he closes it a bit when he's covered, turning onto his side and snuggling into the warmth. It's hopelessly endearing and Louis misses it so much.

He switches the TV off and gazes at Harry again. His heart yearns for him. It always will. With a shaky hand, he walks to Harry again, moving a piece of hair from his forehead to tuck it behind his ear. He places a chaste kiss to Harry's forehead. "Happy Valentines Day, love."

He wonders if this is the last time they'd get to spend Valentines day together.   
  


_____ *  
  


By the end of March, its Vera's ninth birthday and Harry is heavily pregnant. He has to rely on Louis and his mum doing most of the party planning. They gladly accept it though, thankfully.

And for the first time in a while, he gets to see Louis take charge of things around the house. Harry forgot what it's like to have him be like this. He's missed it.

Their conversation from Valentines day still plays in a loop in his head. It was a step forward, Harry feels. Even if they still don't know what they are yet, Harry thinks that having the conversation was good.

He's not... He's still not sure what he wants and it's frustrating him to no end. Dr. Huckleberry says he probably does know deep down but he doesn't want to admit it out loud.

But every time he thinks he wants to try and work on their relationship, he remembers how miserable he was, how neglected he'd felt, how he'd been suspicious about Louis cheating but it took Louis ten months to come clean. Ten fucking months. That's something that also still baffles him. He thought it would be okay to go behind his husband's back and sleep with someone else for almost a year.

That, and the fact that he thought he was in love with the guy doesn't help much.

Since their talk, they haven't spoken much about that. They're both busy, to be fair, with work mostly and being pregnant for Harry, obviously. Dr. Huckleberry says he should probably come to a conclusion about them soon so he can file for divorce if he wants to.

Zayn's relative advised him to do the same thing and really, they have a point. It's been six months now. They have to come to a decision about this. Harry has to. He knows where Louis stands but it's not that easy for him.

He loves Louis, of course he does. But sometimes love is not always enough. It's all in fairytales, the way they make it seem. Relationships are hard work, they're messy arguments and late night crying sessions--- they take effort as well. Love can't _just_ be enough.

He was naive to think so once upon time but he knows better now.

"Hey, dad," Leo greets him, sitting down next to him.

"Hey, love," Harry smiles, "how are you doing? Is your homework done?"

"I'm okay. And yes, I just finished. I just came to see if you needed anything."

"That's sweet, love. I'm okay though. How's everything going with the party planning? Is Vera still in her room?"

Leo laughs. "Yeah, she refuses to come out until everything is ready for her birthday."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Drama queen, that one."

"Yeah, paps said the same thing," he smiles gently. "Um, are you and paps okay then?"

Harry can see the hope in his son's eyes. In that moment, every part of him just wants to appease his son so he can be happy again. "We're... Working on it."

"You're still mad at him?" He asks, turning a bit to face Harry.

Harry looks outside where Louis and his mum set up a table for the cake, Blake hanging up birthday decorations and Adi running around the yard. He sighs. "Kind of? We're okay though. We're talking and that's a good sign."

"Okay," he says, biting his lip, "does that mean you're still getting a divorce?"

"Leo--"

"Because I understand, if that's what you want, dad. I want you to be happy. We all want that. I promise we'll understand."

Harry smiles. "How many times must I tell you not to worry about all of that, love?"

Leo shrugs. "I know, but I just wanna know. Blake and I were confused about you guys. So, I thought I'd ask," he says.

Right. He's confusing his kids, like his mum said. He sighs again. Just when he's about to reply, he feels a strong movement in his belly. Gasping, he touches it.

"Dad? Are you okay?" Leo asks, blue eyes wide.

"Yeah, uh, he kicked," Harry says joyfully. He has felt the baby move around inside him and small kicks here and there but none that others could feel. It's fairly late for this but the doctor said it's okay as long as Harry still feels him move.

"No way, let me get paps," Leo says excitedly, running outside to call Louis.

Harry grins, feeling the baby kick again.

"He's kicking?" Louis asks, looking frazzled and in awe at the same time.

Harry nods. "Come sit," he says.

Louis wastes no time, sitting in front of Harry on the couch and placing his hands on Harry's stomach. He grins when he feels a kick against his palm.

"He moved to your hand," Harry says fondly.

"Already his favourite," Louis chuckles. Before Harry knows it, Louis leans forward and he-- he talks to the baby.

Harry realizes he hasn't done this yet. Harry is over six months in and Louis hasn't spoken to their baby. With their other kids, he'd already started speaking to them, singing to them, at four months. This time, he didn't get to do that.

"Hey, darling," Louis says softly, a grin still on his face, "you got a strong kick there."

Harry feels himself tear up already. He's always had a way he speaks to their kids, especially when they're little.

"I can't wait to meet you, you have no idea," he chuckles wetly, "I can't wait to hold you. I love you so much."

Harry let's himself cry at that, a small sob escaping his throat. He's bringing a baby into this utter mess of a life and he doesn't know what the hell he can do.

Louis obviously notices because he straightens up again, looking at Harry. "Love? Are you okay?" 

Harry covers his mouth with his hand, nodding. "Just--- just emotional."

It's partially the truth.

"Can I hug you?" Louis asks softly.

Harry doesn't think twice before nodding. Louis wraps his arms around Harry and Harry tucks his face into Louis' neck. Even after all this time, it feels like coming home.

"We're having a baby," Harry says, sniffing.

"Did you just realize that?" Louis chuckles.

Harry laughs. "No, it's just so much more real, the closer we get."

"Yeah," Louis breathes onto his exposed skin, "yeah it is."

Then the moment is gone when someone clears their throat. Harry blinks, pulling away. He realizes that his mum, Blake, Adryan and Leo have been just standing there the whole time.

"Shit," Louis pulls away, "Uh, do you guys wanna feel?"

"Yes!" Adryan says, jumping onto the couch, onto Louis' lap.

"He isn't really kicking anymore," Harry explains with a small pout, "sorry, babe."

Adryan huffs. "You took too long, papa," he says frowning up at Louis.

"Sorry, my love," Louis kisses his cheek, "he'll kick again though."

"He will?" Adryan asks in wonder.

"Yeah, love. That's what babies do," Harry smiles. He catches his mum smiling back at them.

"Does it hurt?" He asks, green eyes wide with curiosity.

"No, Adi. It doesn't hurt at all. Feels weird though."

Adryan pulls up his jumper and pokes his belly. "Like when I eat too much cake."

They all laugh at that. "Sort of, love," Harry chuckles, kissing his cheek, "pull your jumper down before you catch a cold."

Adryan listens and scratches his ear. "Can we go back outside now?"

"Yeah, come on, love," Anne chimes in, extending his hand out, "let's put some sparkles on the table."

"Okay," he shifts till he moves off of Louis' lap, "are you coming, papa?"

"I'll be there soon, babe. You go with Nan."

Anne goes outside with Adryan again and Blake and Leo follow, not before giving their parents a look. Harry ignores it.

"Do you think you can get Vera ready?" Louis asks.

"Yeah, she probably has her clothes out already," Harry says fondly, "and her shoes."

"Yeah," Louis agrees. He looks at Harry, placing his hand over Harry's. "You sure you're okay?"

Harry nods. "I'm fine," he breathes out. It's not a total lie. Though he is still worried.

"Okay," Louis says, "I'll go help with the stuff outside."

"Okay, um, will you get out the cake from the fridge too? People should be coming in soon."

Louis nods, heading to the kitchen. As he searches for the cake in the fridge, Harry pushes himself up and heads up the stairs to Vera's room.

It's exhausting after that, having to be on his feet so much but it's worth it for his daughter. She's finally nine, as she's been saying the whole day. He's so proud of her. He's proud of all of their kids. And he's genuinely happy throughout the rest of the day, despite his sore feet. It translates into the picture they take as well.

They look like a happy family in the photo. No one could tell that Harry is having an internal crisis underneath the surface. It's fine. He'll deal with it. 

___  
  


As the weeks turn into mid-April, Harry realizes he isn't dealing with it. He's been avoiding it but he isn't sure why.

"Can I ask you something, Harry?" Dr. Huckleberry asks.

"It's your job isn't it?" he laughs.

Dr. Huckleberry smiles. "When Louis was being unfaithful, did you genuinely have no idea about it?"

Harry inhales sharply. That's---that's an interesting question. "I had my suspicions," he says.

"Okay, what were they?"

"Um, he worked later than usual," Harry says.

"That's all?"

"No," he realizes, "he smelt like someone else sometimes," he says quietly, "and I noticed a hickey once."

He didn't realize he kept all of that away, even after finding out that Louis was unfaithful.

"Did you just realize that?"

"I---I always did. But I didn't... I forgot? I don't know."

It was agony, seeing his husband have someone else's marks on him, smelling like someone else, sometimes on his phone for much too long for it to be a work call. It brings back such ugly memories and suddenly, Harry's angry again.

"God, I can't get back together with him," he says, Hurt again, "I can't get back together with someone who thought it was okay to treat me that way. Who dishonored our relationship in the worst way possible. And I can't tell if he'll do it again."

Dr. Huckleberry hums, Grey eyes narrowed. "Have you spoken about that with him? Even if you do want to work on things, you would need to go to therapy and work on it, don't you think?"

Harry shakes his head. "I can't see myself trusting him again," he says sadly, "even with therapy or whatever and I-- I keep putting pressure on myself to get back together for the kids and the baby especially. But I--- I _can't_."

"But do you want to?"

Harry frowns. "I just said I can't."

"Which doesn't mean you don't want to. Tell me, Harry, will you be okay with never being romantic with Louis again? Seeing him move on with someone else? You moving on with someone else?"

"I don't know," Harry says. Seeing himself moving on... He can't even imagine it right now. With Louis, well, he's upset with him for a reason.

"I think you do," Dr. Huckleberry says, "whatever you decide is what's going to make you happy at the end of the day, Harry, just remember that."

"I know," he says, "I just keep thinking about what I went through, what we went through, what the kids got dragged into--- I don't think I can do it with him again."

"Well, in that case, I'm guessing you want a divorce, yes?"

Harry nods, the word shaking him to his core.

"Okay, well, does he have a place of his own to provide for your kids?"

Harry nods again. Louis had just recently moved into his own three bedroom flat. It was fairly expensive but enough for Louis to maintain.

"Then I think you'll need to get speaking to a lawyer then."

"Yeah," he says, the word just above a whisper.

"Harry, just make sure you really think about this, okay? Make sure that this what will make you happy."

Harry nods again, pulling at a thread from his cardigan.

"Good, now tell me about work..." 

___  
  


On a warmer day in April, Harry and Louis decide to take the kids to the park. It's supposed to be Louis' day to spend time with the kids today but Harry also needed some fresh air, so they decided on going together.

Harry packs a picnic lunch for them, since he knows they'll be hungry in no time. It's a kid thing, he thinks, that as soon as they go out of the house, all of a sudden they're hungry.

Louis occupies them for the most part while Harry sits on the bench and watches them play footie. He enjoys it, even though Dr. Huckleberrys conversation with him about getting a divorce is still fresh in his mind.

If he thought about it, they were already as good as divorced. Louis moved out and has his own place now and he gets certain days to spend with the kids, they're being split between the two of them. Harry doesn't _exactly_ hate Louis anymore, for what he did. And they can be in each other's presence without wanting to kill the other.

That's fine. It's amicable, perhaps. Are their feelings still involved?... Maybe. But that doesn't always matter, as Harry has learnt.

The more he thinks about it, the more he feels like maybe getting a divorce would be the right decision. He's doing okay now. He's better and he's healthier, he feels lighter. Part of him wonders if it's because Louis is not part of his life anymore, as harsh as it sounds. Maybe they'd just become too toxic for each other. So, maybe, in a way, he was setting them both free.

Maybe they aren't meant to be together till the end, maybe they aren't soulmates, maybe they weren't meant to last so long in the first place. Harry just wishes he knew this before they had kids. Or, more kids, rather, since he and Louis moved so fast.

Not because he regrets them, but because they could have avoided this emotional turmoil. He rubs a hand over his belly and looks down. He's still worried about the new baby. It's going to be... Different. Harder, to raise him without both of his parents being around constantly.

He's going to grow up in an already broken up family and Harry hates that. But it doesn't mean he'll get any less love. Late night feedings by himself and dirty diapers all the time will be challenging for both of them to handle but they also have amazing kids who are ready to help. Mostly Blake and Leo, in this case.

Whatever it may be, Harry knows Louis will do anything to make it work. His face when he'd heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time was priceless. Harry felt guilty for depriving him of that before. But he knows now that he'll do anything to make sure this baby is just as loved as their other kids.

It's just sad because he never thought his kids would have to go through this. He never thought he'd have to go through this.

Harry sighs, looking up at the sky. He decides then, that he does want a divorce. It doesn't matter that they had a civil conversation and that Louis is being more of the Louis he fell in love with. Harry can't handle going through that pain again. The pain he's still in.

He can't imagine trusting him again to that extent. Hell, every time he thinks of them being intimate again he cringes. The thought of him and George taints everything. It doesn't even matter that he ended things with George and decided to try and make things work with Harry. He shouldn't have started anything with George in the first place.

He's not a bad person, Harry knows this. He made a mistake, he knows that too. But he also knows that the wound is too deep to be healed. Maybe over the years, they can be close friends again, not just a divorced couple, but he doesn't see that now. He can't. 

___

It's as if the universe gives him a sign because the day before Harry decides to tell Louis what he's decided, he meets someone he'd hoped he'd never run into.

It's after his therapy appointment and he's stopped at the grocery store to buy a few things before going back home. He's scanning the toiletries to get a new face wash for himself when he spots someone familiar only a few feet away from him.

And it's like, as soon as Harry spots him, he spots Harry too. Suddenly, Harry's entire body freezes. He swallows, unable to do anything else. And then he walks towards Harry as if he has any fucking right to in the first place.

"Harry," George says, "uh, I don't know if you remember me... I'm George." he says, having the audacity to hold out his hand for a handshake.

Harry shakes his hand only because he's polite. "Yeah, I know who you are. You slept with my husband."

George winces, looking down briefly. "Right. I, um, I'm really sorry about that."

He's handsome, Harry thinks insecurly. And he seems like Louis' type too. He's tall, not as tall as Harry, his hair is brunette and its slightly curly and he has big brown eyes with a pouted lip.

Harry simply hums as a reply.

"You must have sorted things out though," he continues, gazing down at Harry's protruding belly.

"No, we're not together anymore," Harry says bitterly, "in case you wanted a chance."

George blinks, clearly taken aback. "Oh , I--- um, I'm not, like planning to get him back or anything. Trust me, he's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. He'd probably be furious if he knew I approached you."

"Well then why did you?" Harry asks.

George shrugs. "I owe you and apology. I knew he was married and I still flirted with him, tried to seduce him and all that.."

"Clearly worked didn't it?" Harry scoffs, ignoring the ache in his chest.

"Yeah, but it wasn't right of me," he sighs, "so I really am sorry about that."

Again, Harry doesn't know what to say.

"I hope you work things out... He's really crazy about you," George adds.

"So crazy that he cheated, huh?" he laughs humourlessly, "he thought that'd, what, help?"

George blushes. "Look, I'm sorry. I am. I'll leave you alone since you're clearly getting upset but just know I really am sorry for everything. I never meant to break up a family."

Harry clears his throat and simply turns away. He does not have it in him to forgive George either. Not that he really mattered.

Needless to say, Harry goes home in a bit of a stressed and upset mood. It doesn't go unnoticed by his mum who hounds him about it as soon as they're alone.

"I ran into Louis'... Affair partner?" he says, confused as to what to call him.

"OH," she says, leaning against the counter, "what did he say?"

"Bullshit about how sorry he is and he didn't mean to ruin a family and about how Louis is still crazy about me-- whatever," he says, dropping his mug into the sink a little more harshly than he'd intended.

"God, I'm sorry, love," she frowns, "how are you feeling about everything?"

"I feel like I definitely made the right decision," he scoffs.

"Decision?"

Harry huffs. Right. She doesn't know he made up his mind about the divorce. "I'm filing for divorce."

Saying it out loud to his mum is... Overwhelming. The colour drains from her face. "And you're sure about this?"

Harry nods. "I've thought it through. I can't see myself staying with him. It'd be like disrespecting me and our family. I'll never trust him again."

She nods slowly. "Well, you have me and your sister always by your side. I hope you know this."

Harry smiles. "I do. Thank you."

"I'm guessing you haven't told Louis yet," she says.

"No, I will tomorrow though. At the moment, only Zayn knows because it's his relative that I'm working with for the divorce papers."

"Okay. And you've sorted out the assets and stuff?"

"Yes, and he gets visitation rights for the kids. I want to apply for custody and Zayn's uncle said it'll be easy because he's the one who cheated. I could also get a lot more money for him... I just don't want it to be that way. That's not why I'm doing it."

She still looks shaken when she nods again. "The kids are going to take it hard."

Harry winces. That's what he's worried about the most. He knows Leo has been rooting for them for some time and he's forgiven his father, same goes for Blake, so he hates to disappoint them. But they'll understand as they get older. Vera will be angry though and then she'll be sad and Harry hates to see any of his kids sad. Adryan won't understand much. He'll only understand that his parents won't be staying together anymore and papa and daddy will have different houses.

God, telling them is something he is not looking forward to. He knows he has to do it with Louis though. So, first, he has to tell Louis. 

___  
  


The next day, he's a bundle of nerves. There's this weird sense of dread in his stomach that he can't seem to push away. He's guessing it's because he's ending his marriage, his relationship with the person he'd thought he'd spend the rest of his life with.

Louis comes to see the kids bright and early, at eight in the morning. He greets Harry with a soft smile, the one he'd normally save just for Harry. Harry smiles back, hoping he doesn't give away too much.

"How's the littlest one?" Louis asks him while they're waiting for the kids to get ready. He places a hand on Harry's tummy, feeling for any kicks.

"Been really active lately," Harry replies, "hey, uh, when you come back later, do you mind if we talk?"

It's awful, seeing a sense of hope in Louis' eyes. "Yes, yeah. No problem."

Harry looks away and Blake comes to greet them first with a kiss to Harry's and Louis' cheek. Harry sighs. It's going to be a really long day.

They come back around five while Harry finishes supper. He let's them eat supper together, playing pretend one last time before he breaks the news to Louis.

The kids go to bed at around eight to nine giving them the alone time to finally talk to each other. They sit face-to-face at the kitchen table. Louis intertwines his fingers over the wood, smiling at Harry.

"So, you wanted to talk then?" He prompts.

"Yeah, um," he puffs out air from his cheeks, "I wanted to tell you this before you get blindsided by it..."

"Yeah?" he asks with a frown.

"I--I, um," he wipes a hand over his face, "I've spoken with a lawyer and ultimately decided to get a divorce," he says quickly.

He watches Louis' face fall. "Wh--what?" he squeaks out.

"Louis... We can never be the same again. I can never trust you again," Harry says sadly. He is sad, of course he's sad.

"B--but we can fix that," he says desperately, tears filling his eyes, "we can go to therapy."

Harry sniffs, shaking his head. "I can't, Louis. You're a totally different person to me now. It's not---it can't be fixed. Trust me, I thought this through, okay? It just can't."

Tears fall down his cheeks. Louis exhales heavily. "You--- please don't do this. Please. I love you. I'll do anything to make this work."

"You're a little late with that conversation," Harry says, tone sullen, "we both are."

"But we love each other," he says, tears falling more rapidly, "you--you said so."

"Part of me will always love you," he whispers, "but it's not always enough, Lou."

It feels wrong, using the nickname now. Like he's being manipulative in a way.

Louis rubs both of his palms over his face before looking at Harry again. Harry doesn't think he's looked this sad before. His heart leaps to his throat.

"You said you'd support it, my decision, I mean. If that's what I wanted," Harry says.

Louis blinks, wiping his tears away. "I just-- we were doing better. I thought-- I thought we could do better."

Harry starts crying too. "I'm sorry we didn't try before. But it's different now. This is what I want."

Louis stares at him as if he's searching for something in Harry's eyes. He squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again, they seem like they're void of emotion, almost. It's scary how he can do that. Harry's seen it happen before.

"This is what you want?" he asks, as if to be sure.

Harry nods jerkily.

"Okay," he says softly, looking down. He looks defeated. Harry hates it.

"Okay?" Harry asks. He's surprised, though he's not sure.

"What else can I say?" he asks quietly. "I can't fight for us if you don't think there's anything left to fight for."

"You seemed to think that as well," he can't help but say defensively.

Louis frowns. "Right, well, now you do too."

That's --- it's not fair to say that. At least Harry didn't cheat. But he doesn't say anything because Louis looks sad enough as is.

Then they sit in silence. There's more Harry should say, probably, but he can't find it in him to say anything at the moment.

"We have to tell the kids," is all Harry says.

"Just--- give me some time, please?" he asks, looking like he'd break if Harry says no.

"Yeah, I---okay," he agrees, "just... Not too long. I don't want them to be blindsided in any way."

Louis just nods and looks down at his lap. The feeling of dread only grows worse in Harry's stomach.   
  


___*  
  


"He what?" Niall asks, looking shocked.

"He asked for a divorce," he says, the word sounding bitter in his mouth.

"God, when I came to check on you I didn't think the reason you hadn't gone to work was this," he says softly.

Louis chuckles, hollow and numb. He squeezes his eyes shut as tears fall down his face. He's been crying non-stop for the past three days and he can't seem to stop.

"Louis, mate, I'm so sorry," Niall sighs, sitting down next to him and rubbing his back.

"Don't be. I screwed it up," Louis sniffles, "I deserve this."

"I know you screwed up. But you don't deserve this. I know how much you wanted to fix things and that counts for something, okay?"

Louis' cries turn into sobs and Niall pulls him into his chest. "I don't know what to do," he cries helplessly.

"I know. I know this hard now but you have me, you have your family. We'll help you get through this, okay?"

Louis knows they will. But he can't see himself ever getting over this.

"Do the kids know?" Niall asks, like he's afraid of the answer.

Louis shakes his head, removing himself from Niall's hold to lean against the back of the couch again. "He said he wants to tell them soon," he explains, "But I asked him to give me some time."

"I can't believe he's going through with this. I---I really thought you two were gonna sort things out."

Louis smiles, shaky and somber. "Me too," he says quietly, "but I don't blame him. He deserves someone better."

"Louis, God, mate, you are not a bad person," Niall sighs, "just because you made a bad decision, doesn't make you a bad person. You're one of the kindest and most caring people I know."

Louis sniffles, eyes burning. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this."

"Fight for him. Tell him how you feel," Niall says earnestly.

"I don't want to make him more miserable by tying him down to something he clearly doesn't want anymore--- doesn't need anymore."

Niall sighs again. "But you don't want this."

"Doesn't matter now, does it?" he laughs miserably.

"You don't have to sign it," Niall swallows.

"And drag it on for what, Niall?" he sighs tiredly.

"You have kids, Louis. You're going to have another baby for God's sake. Is there really nothing you can do to fix this?"

"I tried, Niall. Fuck," he wipes his hand over his face, "I gave him his space when he asked, I told him I want to work on things, that I'd be willing to try anything. I hate that we're gonna bring a baby into this, trust me. But what the fuck more can I do?"

"Win him back. I know you can."

"Pray tell then how the fuck can I?" he snaps.

"I don't know," Niall says, sounding just as defeated as him.

"Yeah, me neither," he whispers.   
  


____  
  


Louis has to go back to work eventually and when he does, he throws himself into his work to distract him from feeling anything. His therapist says it's not healthy to do it and that he'd done it before and it didn't end well.

But he doesn't know what else to fucking do. The first weekend he goes back home-- the house--- he avoids Harry's gaze practically from the moment he steps inside, choosing to distract himself with the kids instead. He takes them out, so as to be away from Harry and spend quality time with them. He already doesn't see them everyday but now it's permanent. Now he'll only see them maybe every second day, maybe have them on the weekends. Lord knows how often he'll be able to see their baby boy. Probably not as much since he needs Harry a lot during the first few months, maybe year.

He's going to probably miss the firsts --- first bath, first smile, first laugh, first crawl, walk --- fucking everything. It hurts him more than he'd imagined. He has no one to blame but himself.

"Papa are you listening?" Adryan asks, frowning.

"I am, love. Sorry," he clears his throat.

"Are you okay?" Blake asks him, a worried furrow between her brows.

"I'm fine," he tries for a smile and hopes it works, "now, what's this about and elephant then?"

Adryan grins, talking about how much he loves animals and wants to help elephants. Help them how, Louis isn't sure. He wasn't aware they'd needed help.

It works, to distract himself with the kids. They make him smile, even if it's just a little bit. And he hates to drop them back home but he can't have them stay overnight, not when he's in such bad shape. By next week, maybe the following, he'll get it together and they can stay over at his place.

"Are you not coming inside?" Leo asks when he drops them off.

Louis shakes his head. "I have some work to take care off, love."

"Pap, please don't do this again," Blake says, eyes shimmering.

Louis blinks, sobering up. "No, I'm not---I promise I'm not putting my work above you guys, honest to God. I'll never do it again. I just really have to do this, okay? But I promise you you guys can stay over next weekend, yeah?"

Blake looks at Leo before nodding. "Will you come see us tomorrow?" Leo asks.

Louis sighs before nodding shortly. He has to pull himself together. These are his kids. Their kids. "Yeah what do you want to do tomorrow?"

"Anything," Vera shrugs, "as long as you're there."

And God does Louis want to cry at that. He purses his lips and nods instead. "Okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow then. Come give me some kisses."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Blake asks him when he hugs her.

"I'm sure, love," Louis holds her tight and kisses her hair, "love you."

"Love you," she reciprocates.

"I love you too!" Adryan says.

Louis laughs, gathering him into his arms and kissing his cheek twice. "Love you too, munchkin." 

It takes a lot for him not to break down right then and there.   
  


___  
  


The kids do stay with him the following weekend and it's always great to spend time with them, especially knowing they'll break the news to them soon.

When Louis drops them off, he doesn't want to go inside but he also doesn't want the kids to ask him questions again and think he's putting his career above them again. So he sucks it up and walks inside with them, Vera pulling him to the lounge to show him the new trophy she'd won the other day for her footie tournament.

"Will you be there for the next one?" she asks Hopefully.

Louis nods without even thinking twice. He didn't even know she had a match during the week because Harry didn't tell him.

"Yeah, of course," he grins, hugging her, "so proud of you, love."

"Thanks, pap," she hugs him tighter, tucking her face into his shirt.

"Hey, can we play a round of footie? We can't play at your flat."

Louis huffs. He doesn't want to be here much longer but he also doesn't want to leave them. He misses them. "Yeah, okay. Why don't you ask your brothers and sister if they wanna play too?"

"Yeah, okay," Vera smiles, scurrying off to call them. They're probably all upstairs already doing their own things.

Louis stays in the lounge, scanning the frame decorating the walls. He wonders if Harry will take the ones with just the two of them off now. His eyes are glued on the one of them are their wedding. It's one where they're dancing and grinning at each other like the love sick fools they were. Louis doesn't know how he'd ever lost sight of that.

"Hi."

Louis jumps a bit, startled. "Hey," he says to Harry.

Harry stands at the threshold of the living room, hands clasped in front of him, playing with the material of his cardigan.

"You've been avoiding me," he says, wasting no time to get to the point.

Louis sighs. He smiles sadly. "What is there to talk about?"

Harry blinks at him before looking down again. "I guess you're right."

"Uh, actually," Louis clears his throat, "is everything okay with the baby?"

Harry frowns, rubbing a hand down his stomach. "Yeah? Why?"

Louis shrugs. "Didn't check up on him, that's all."

"Oh, well he's okay. Will be here in a few weeks," he smiles timidly.

"Yeah," Louis says with a dull excitement. He's so excited to meet his baby boy. He just wishes the circumstances were different.

"Louis, I--"

"Only Leo and Adryan wanna play," Vera says, effectively cutting Harry off, "Blake said she wants to do her nails."

"Okay, so two against two then?" Louis smiles.

"Me and Adi against you and V?" Leo suggests.

"Yeah, sounds good," Louis says. He follows his kids to the backyard after that, not looking back.

___  
  


It's one week later that Louis gets a phonecall at ten at night. When he sees its Harry's name, his heart drops to his stomach. Is this him admitting he made a mistake and want to fix things? Is something wrong with one of the kids?

"Hello?" Louis answers.

"Louis, um, I think I'm in labour," he says shakily, "can you--- can you come and get me please?"

Louis shoots up from his bed. "Yes, fuck. Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he breathes out, "they're only a few minutes apart too which means he's coming soon. I---mum said she'll watch the kids."

"Okay, okay," Louis pulls on his joggers messily, "is she there already?"

"No, she's on her way. But I need to go now," he whimpers.

"Okay, I'm coming, love. I'll be there in less than ten, okay?"

"Hurry, Lou, please," Harry says, letting out a deep breath.

Louis drives as fast as he can to the house after that, breaking a dozen traffic rules in the process of doing so. He reaches seven minutes later, where Harry is in the lounge, holding onto the end of a sofa, trying to control his breathing.

"Hey," Louis greets him, placing a hand on his back, "come on, we need to get you to the hospital."

Harry exhales. "Mum is not here yet," he says.

"Fuck, how far is she?"

"I don't know I can't really call her right now," Harry groans, clutching his side, "God I forgot how much this hurts."

"I'm sorry, love," Louis rubs his back, pulling out his phone to call Anne.

"Louis, I'm on my way, give me two minutes."

As Louis is about to reply, Harry let's out a loud moan. "Lou, my water broke," he says shakily.

"Take him to the hospital. I'm almost there," Anne says, clearly having heard what Harry said.

"Okay, yeah. I'll call you later," Louis says before hanging up. He turns to Harry. "Come on, babe. Let's go. Your mum said she's almost here."

Harry doesn't fight him. He nods and Louis leads him out the door into the car, locking the door behind him, knowing Anne has a set of keys. It's just to be safe, even if it's only for a few minutes. 

Harry groans and moans all the way to the hospital, legs spreading on instinct by the time they're in the parking lot. He probably doesn't have much time left before he has to give birth.

Louis requests a wheelchair to wheel Harry to a hospital room, prepping him to give birth. He still has to change into a gown. By the time he's on the bed, legs spread opened, the doctor says he's already starting to crown.

"If you're going to stay in the room, we need you to change into a gown as well, sir," the doctor says to him. Louis blinks, looking at Harry.

Harry glances at him before nodding shortly. "Stay," he says breathlessly.

"Okay," Louis says, feeling relieved. He gets into a gown of his own over his shirt and joggers and immediately goes to Harry's side.

"You have to start pushing, Harry. This baby wants to be out now," the doctor says.

Harry scrunches up his face as he gives his first push. Without thinking twice, Louis grabs his hand for him to squeeze. Harry doesn't think twice either before doing just that.

He throws his head back, sweat dripping off his forehead. "Fuck," he breathes out.

"Few more, Harry," She says.

Harry breathes heavily, sounding exhausted. "Come on, love. Almost there," Louis encourages him.

Harry leans forward again, his body shaking from how hard he's pushing. And really Louis is in awe every time he's done this. It doesn't look easy. He admires Harry for doing it so many times.

"Here he comes," she says, "one more big push."

Harry gives it his all, Louis' hand going numb in his from how tight he's holding it. Then --- then they hear a cry and their baby boy is here.

He's covered in blood and goo but his little lungs work furiously as he cries. Louis tears up at the sight.

"Do you want to cut the cord?" the doctor asks.

Louis looks at Harry again, who's nodding jerkily. Louis says he will, cutting the cord and soon, a cleaned up baby boy is placed into Harry's arms. He's tiny but he's cute as hell.

"Hey, love," Harry moves the blanket away from his face as he whimpers softly.

"Hi, angel," Louis runs a finger down his cheek. After weeks, Louis is finally crying tears of joy. 

Once Harry delivers the placenta and gets cleaned up, he's utterly spent so he falls asleep almost instantly when they get him into a private room, as Louis requested. The first thing Louis does is call Anne and tell her the news.

"Is everything okay?" she says when she picks up.

"Everything is fine. Good. He gave birth to our baby boy. He's about five pounds heavy---tiny thing, but he's doing all right."

She let's out a breath. "That's great. Is he resting now?"

"Out like a light," Louis chuckles a bit.

"Pap, is dad okay?" he can hear Blake ask.

"Hey, love," Louis says, figuring he's on speaker, "he's okay, just tired. What are you doing awake?"

"I heard Nan come in so I woke up. Is our baby brother here?"

Louis smiles. "Yes, he's here. He's okay too. You guys can see him tomorrow after school, yeah?"

"Later today you mean," Blake amends. Louis glances at the clock, seeing its past midnight now and chuckles. "Right, later today. Now go to sleep please."

"Okay, good luck, pap. And give dad and the new baby a kiss from me, please."

Louis' heart warms. "I will. Goodnight, love."

When he's done talking to Anne, Louis sits down and takes in everything that's happened within the past few hours. He's a dad all over again and he's over the moon about it. It all happened so fast.

Louis waited a few hours in case Harry woke up but he didn't so he decided to go home and change, freshen up, maybe have a short nap, get some things for Harry, then come back.

His first stop after an four hour long nap-- sleep really, and a shower is their home. Anne is still at home, luckily, and the kids are at school besides Adryan, much to Louis' surprise.

"Papa!" he runs to Louis, hugging him. "Where's daddy?" He asks, searching behind Louis.

"He's still at the hospital, love. Why aren't you at school?" He asks, picking Adryan up. He's getting heavier so Louis isn't sure how much longer he can carry him like this.

"I'm sick," he says nonchalantly. Louis raises an eyebrow at him before turning to Anne.

She sighs. "He refused to go to school until he sees his dad and the new baby."

"No, I'm sick, Nan ," he argues, frowning.

"Right, so if you're sick you can't go see daddy or the baby, you know that right?"

His eyes widen. "Why?"

"Because it's dangerous. Daddy or the baby can get sick."

"I'm feeling better now," he says, brightening, "I think Nan made super cereal."

Louis laughs. "Yeah, alright then. Let's go with that," he turns to Anne again, "I'm going to the hospital again to give Harry some of his stuff. I know he has a bag packed somewhere."

"Yes, in the wardrobe," she says, "near the---"

"Mirror, right," Louis nods. He's always kept the baby bags there. "Ill take it to him then and see you guys a little later?"

"Yes, we'll be there in about two hours or so?"

Louis nods. "That's good. I'll tell Harry."

"But papa I wanna go now," Adryan whines.

"You'll see them in a few hours, love. Just give dad some time to rest. It's painful to have a baby so he needs his rest."

"Why is it painful?" he asks, ever so curious.

"Oh, Adi. It's a long story. I have to go see dad , okay? Please behave for Nan."

"Fine," he pouts.

Louis kisses his cheek. "Good," he says and places him down. He heads upstairs and grabs the packed baby bag and heads to the hospital. For now, Louis is excited to see his baby boy and Harry again. He can ignore the other problems in the time being.

Harry is awake when he reaches the hospital, with the baby already in his arms. Louis' heart warms at the sight. He knocks on the door so as to not startle them. Harry looks up from their baby boy to Louis. He smiles softly.

"Hey," Harry says, "you brought the bag," he says, looking at the bag on Louis' shoulder.

"Yeah, figured you'd want it," Louis says, walking in and placing the bag on an armchair. "How is he?" he asks, pushing his hands into his back pockets, feeling a little out of place.

"He's fine, quiet, more or less," Harry grins at their son, "do you wanna hold him?"

"Please," Louis nods. He walks closer and Harry places their baby boy in his arms. And God he's so light and tiny. He's so gorgeous.

"Hey, my angel," Louis says softly, placing a delicate kiss to his forehead, "you are so beautiful, aren't you?"

When Louis looks up, Emotional as ever, he sees Harry's crying too. "You okay, H?"

Harry nods. "Thank you for being there for me yesterday."

"Yeah, of course," Louis smiles warmly.

"Um, did you see mum? Are the kids okay?"

"Yeah, your mum is at home and she said she'll be here in about two hours or so. Kids are at school and they'll be here later. Adi is with your mum by the way," Louis chuckles a bit, "refused to go to school without seeing you and his baby brother first."

"God," Harry snorts, "sounds like him."

"Yeah," Louis laughs, trying not to wake up the baby in his arms. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore but happy," Harry says with a smile, "how are you?"

"Happy," he says honestly, "he's so frickin' small."

"He is but he's okay. I asked the doctor."

"Thats good."

He starts to whimper softly then which is when Louis hands him back to Harry.

Harry shushes him and Louis can't help but move closer to them, watching Harry calm him down, placing the dummy back into his mouth properly.

"Come sit," Harry says, shifting a little to make space for Louis to sit on the bed next to him. Louis blinks, surprised. He obliges anyways, sitting next to Harry and leaning over his shoulder to coo at the baby. He places his arm around the pillow, making sure he isn't touching Harry. From this angle, he can smell Harry's vanilla shampoo.

"We didn't really think about a name for him," Louis says, a little sadly. Normally they'd be thinking about names during the first trimester already.

"I thought of a few but I didn't want to use any until I talked to you about it first," Harry admits.

"Oh, well, um what did you have?" Louis asks.

"Uh, okay, let's see what I remember," Harry hums, "I had Jasper."

Louis grimaces. "Hmm, no he doesn't seem like a Jasper."

"Okay, how about James?"

"Too basic. Our kids have nice names," Louis says, fiddling with some of the hair on the baby's head.

"Yeah, I thought as much. Oh, um remember when we had Adi, we couldn't decide between Adryan and Kieran?"

Louis brightens. "Yeah, Kieran. He looks like a Kieran doesn't he?"

Harry grins down at him. "Yeah he does. I think I like that one."

"Kieran Tomlinson," Louis smiles but it disappears as quickly as it comes, "Sorry, I'm not--- he doesn't have to be a Tomlinson."

He'll be the first of their kids not to have his surname. The realisation hits him harder than he thought it would.

"Um," Harry clears his throat, "y--yeah, so Kieran?"

"Kieran," Louis agrees. He leans down to kiss Kieran's forehead. "He looks like you," Louis says, looking down at their son.

"Finally," Harry snorts, "at least one of them looks like me."

"Hey, Adi kinda looks like you," Louis chuckles, "Vera too."

"V looks like Fizzy," Harry says, "and Adi looks like a combination of the both of us."

"Okay, okay. So Kieran looks like you then. Right down to his nose too," Louis says, booping his nose.

"He's also the first one of our kids to have blonde hair," Harry says, moving some of the fine hair on his head.

"Yeah, like you when you were little," Louis smiles fondly.

They spend most of the time holding Kieran, back and forth between the two of them, a feeding in between and putting him to sleep. He's a delight so far. Louis' heart aches, thinking about the fact that he probably won't get to have this everyday.

Anne comes in with a very excited Adryan next to her. He immediately runs to Harry's bed where Harry is holding Kieran.

"I missed you, daddy," Adryan grins, "are you still in pain?"

"I'm okay, love. Wanna meet your brother?"

He nods excitedly. Louis helps him onto the bed next to Harry so he can see Kieran. Anne comes to the other side and gasps.

"Oh, he's so cute," she says.

"He's small. I thought I was small," Adryan says, "when will he open his eyes?"

"Most new babies don't keep their eyes opened for too long. But he will soon," Harry explains.

"He looks a lot like you," Anne says.

"Yeah, I said the same thing," Louis grins.

"Do you want to hold him, mum?"

She nods, taking him carefully from Harry.

During the afternoon, the kids come and see Harry and the baby and they're all excited, as expected. They all have turns holding Kieran, even Adryan. And Adryan made sure to let them know that Kieran was a great name.

By the end of the day, Louis is left with Harry and Kieran is asleep in the little cot near the bed. The kids are at home with Anne. It's... Awkward. So much has happened in such a short amount of time he doesn't even know where to start.

"So we probably need to talk about everything since Kieran is here," Harry starts.

"Yeah, I--- I wanna help as much as I can."

"Yeah?"

"Of course," Louis says instantly, "I've always helped with the kids."

"Right , but you don't stay by us anymore. And I don't want to move Kieran back and forth while he's still a baby."

Louis tries to simmer down his disappointment. "So what do you suggest then?"

"Maybe... Instead of taking the kids to your place, you can stay over during the weekends by us?" 

Louis nods slowly. "So I'll get to see him on weekends only then?" he asks quietly.

Harry sighs. "You can come and visit him whenever you want. I told you you'll have visitation rights."

"Right," Louis says, "um, I think I'm gonna head out then. Let me know if you need anything else, yeah? I'll stay with the kids in the mean time."

"Yeah, thank you again," Harry says.

Louis smiles, a bit tightly. He turns to walk away but Harry stops him.

"Yeah?" Louis asks.

"Um, will you fetch me tomorrow? I get discharged at midday."

"Of course I'll be here," Louis says. He smiles one more time before walking away. There's a heavy sadness that weighs on him that he can't seem to shake. He doesn't know if he ever will at this time.   
  


____  
  
  


Being at home with Harry and the baby, he doesn't have time to think about much. Kieran is a newborn so most of the time is spent taking care of him. Louis tries to spend as much time with the other kids too, especially since he can see Adryan feeling a little left out.

He dotes over his little brother but he also loves attention so Louis makes sure he still gets it as much as possible. The kids are a big help though. Which is why, after the first week, Louis can go to his therapist again. Because he needs to talk.

He tells his therapist about his living situation, how mad it's driving him, being so close to his family and Harry yet being so far away at the same time, how much the guilt eats him alive for what he did to his family, for losing everything.

"Louis, you have to learn how to forgive yourself," is the first thing she says.

"How? How am I supposed to do that when I ruined everything?"

"People make mistakes, Louis. It's part of your life. You're only going to make yourself miserable by holding it over your head for the rest of your life."

"I just--- I love him. I just want my family back," Louis sighs.

"You know, maybe it's not too late to do that. But you have to make peace with your actions first. You've made a mistake and there's nothing you can do to change that, even though I know you'd do anything to go back in time and change it."

"Well, what do I do? I don't know where to go from here. How do I forgive myself?"

"I can't tell you exactly what to do. But start by accepting what you've done. I don't think you've fully accepted it."

"I know what I did," Louis says, confused.

"Acknowledgment isn't acceptance," she says.

"I don't know how to accept it," Louis says, feeling himself tearing up.

"It's not easy and it may take some time. But it's okay, Louis. You'll get there."

Louis nods.

"Do you think Harry is happy with the decision he made to file for divorce?"

Louis blinks. "Why else would he do it?"

"Maybe he's scared of what other people would think, getting back together with you after you were unfaithful? Or maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing for your kids? Sometimes, people ignore what they really want because they don't think it's the 'right' thing to do."

Louis ponders over her words. He didn't really think about that. " But when I asked if it's what he really wants, he said he does."

"Okay, well, if that's the case then that's fine too. You can work on your relationship with him still, as co-parents, maybe as friends?"

Louis huffs. "We have to. For our kids," he says, "but we don't even talk anymore, it's like we avoid each other because it's so awkward when we do."

"Have you tried counseling together?"

"I asked about couples counseling but he didn't want to try it."

"No, not as a couple, just together. It may help you two air out some issues and develop a relationship that's sustainable in the long run and beneficial for you and your kids."

"Ill bring it up to him and see what he says."

"Great, I have a few people that deal with divorced couples that can help you two."

That night, when Louis brings it up, it's while Harry is feeding Kieran in his nursery. It's the only alone time they have without completely being alone, Kieran being a great buffer.

"Can I talk to you about something?" is what Louis opens with.

Harry looks up from feeding Kieran. "Yeah?"

"I went to therapy today," he says, walking into the room.

"Yeah, you said. How was it?" Harry asks, focusing on feeding Kieran again.

"It was fine. Um, she suggested something to me though," he says, leaning against the chair Harry is sitting on. He smiles softly at a half awake Kieran.

"What was it?" Harry knits his brows together, clearly confused.

"She said you and I should try therapy," Louis says.

He watches Harry sigh, opening his mouth probably to decline so he speaks quickly. "No, not like couples therapy. It's for people who are divorced or in the middle of one, just to air out whatever issues they have. I think it might do us some good, especially for the kids."

"What do we need to air out?" Harry asks.

"H, you and I both know we need to talk about certain things. I mean we can barely be in the same room together. It's awkward, it's tense-- you know this."

Harry bites his lip.

"Harry, I don't want to be in this awkward place with you forever. You want a divorce and I know that, but I don't want to be one of those couples who barely interact after a divorce. I don't want to lose you that way."

Harry stares at him before nodding slowly. "Okay, who's the therapist?"

"Dr. Brown, my therapist, she gave me a list so we can see who's available and stuff and decide from there."

"Okay," Harry says, passing Louis a small smile before holding Kieran up to burp him.   
  


____*  
  
  


Their first therapy appointment as a not-couple is awkward. Harry expected as much. The doctor is nice enough but they're not really sure how to navigate it. The floodgates finally open during their second appointment though.

"Do you want a divorce, Louis?" She asks.

Louis blinks at the doctor then at Harry, landing on the doctor again. "No," he shakes his head, "I, uh, didn't---don't."

"Have you two tried working it out then?" This time, the question is directed at Harry.

Harry shakes his head. "I just... Don't see myself trusting him. He's... Not the same person to me anymore. I dont think I can do it again."

"But we can build it again," Louis blurts out, "we can work on us again."

Harry frowns, looking at him. "You don't get to do that, Louis. You don't get to look like you're completely destroyed over this when you're the one who cheated, you decided to end before any of this."

"Yes, you remind me every damn minute I want to so much as try and fix things," he snaps. This is the first time he's actually gotten angry at any of this. He's been moping about the whole time but so has Harry. His anger is unwarranted though.

"Now you're mad at me for something you did?" Harry bites back.

He's not sure how this escalated so quickly but he's not about to sit here and look like a fool.

"Okay, enough, let's cool down," Dr. Lee says, "it's clear you're both still angry at each other."

Louis looks away stubbornly so Harry does the same.

"Harry, let's start with you. Why are you angry?"

"Because he cheated on me," Harry spits out, "he broke our vows, he thought he fell in love with someone else, he hurt our family, he barely even looked at me anymore. I didn't feel like I was good enough for him anymore."

Harry sniffs, holding back tears. "I kept blaming myself at first, I thought that maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him anymore, that I bored him, that he just wanted someone better matched for him when the whole time I believed we were soul mates. I was destroyed, okay? Because I loved him more than anything and he barely even looked at me anymore. I had to bear months of him coming home late, making excuses about work, smelling like someone else, finding marks on his body from someone else and he didn't even touch me anymore. I had to practically beg him to."

Once you start, you don't stop. Harry let's out a breath. Dr. Lee looks at him with sympathy in her eyes. Harry wipes his cheeks. "I--I don't want to go through that again. I can't."

"Okay, it's good that you're letting yourself be honest. I'm sure your therapist has told you that much," Dr. Lee says, "Louis, let's hear what you're feeling."

When Harry dares to look at Louis again, he has tears in his eyes and frown on his face. "I--I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so so sorry."

Harry sighs. He knows Louis is sorry but an apology isn't enough anymore. "I know," Harry says quietly, grabbing a tissue from beside him and wiping his nose too.

"Tell us how you're feeling about this. What was your thought process and what do you want to do?"

Louis takes a breath. "Its frustrating now, I think. That's-- that's why I snapped at you. I'm sorry," he says to Harry, before continuing, "I just... We were getting there, at least to me it felt like it. We spoke on valentines day and it felt like progress, like maybe we could be okay again and I just got so blindsided by you asking for a divorce. I had hope."

Harry knows he wanted to fix things-- wants to fix things-- he's made it clear since he came clean.

"What did you two speak about?" She asks.

"About us. I said that I'm sorry, he said how he felt and where he was at mentally," Louis answers.

"Yeah, I was depressed. I was going through some things of my own and I needed my space. He gave me space. That day we spoke about everything but that doesn't mean it was solved, Louis." 

"I know that," Louis huffs, "I just thought we were closer to getting there, getting help, working together."

"Youre a year and some too late on that," Harry can't help but bite.

Louis sighs.

"Harry, bringing up the past all the time isn't going to change what happened," Dr. Lee says, "I know it's hard to move on from, but it's going to be no help to either of you if you keep bringing it up."

Harry frowns. He can't let something like that go. Maybe-- maybe that's the problem. He can't let it go because _you can't just let something like that go._ It's not normal.

"Louis, Harry is hurt from what you did and he has a right to be. Have you proven that you won't do it again?"

"I've been trying," Louis clears his throat, "I quit my job, cut off contact with George, set time aside to spend with my kids, I'm seeing a therapist--- I'm trying so hard to prove that I've changed. I don't know what else to do. You won't let me in anymore."

Harry looks at him. "I'm scared of getting hurt. Don't you get that?" he asks, frustrated.

"I do, Harry. But I told you, I know what it's like to you lose you, now more than ever," he smiles sadly, "I'll never do anything to jeopardize that ever again."

"I don't know if I can believe you when you say that," Harry says quietly, "that's the problem."

"Well, trust is hard to build back up once it's broken, especially in a marriage. But we can work on that if you both are willing to try."

Harry swallows. "Is this how therapy for divorcing couples is supposed to work?" he can't help but ask.

"Well, you will have to build your trust in him again even if you are divorced because you have kids that you share custody with," she points out, "so we don't have to label it, we just work on trust building again."

Harrys body sags forward, like he's defeated.

"Do you still love me?" Louis asks him.

"You know that I do," Harry says, wiping the corners of his eyes.

"Then that's enough for us to work on this. H. Like she said, it doesn't have to mean us getting back together but you need to trust me again."

"I trust you with the kids. I don't trust you with me," Harry says shakily.

"We'll have to work on it still, either way, because you're the other dad here, Harry. Your kids need to see a healthy relationship between you two."

Harry sighs again. Their kids still don't know about them deciding to get a divorce. Everything just went so crazy so they didn't get a chance to tell them but Harry was hoping they would soon. Now, maybe he'll have to hold back a bit.

She has a point. Harry needs to do this, for the sake of his kids at the very least.

"Fine," he agrees, "but that doesn't mean we're going to get back together,"he adds before Louis gets too excited.

He's still smiling though, when Harry looks at him. It's timid and small, but it's still there. Harry hopes he doesn't look back and regret the decision of letting Louis back in.  
  


____  
  


It's ... Challenging, trying to trust someone again. So many people say it's not worth it, trying to trust someone who didn't even respect you. But Harry somehow still agrees to it.

Louis moved back to his flat this week and Harry can see a change in his mood. He's here most of the time anyways, because he wants to see Kieran and their other kids. But Harry can see he's sadder now. It's like his spark is gone. He hates it.

It's not like he stopped caring about Louis. Of course he cares about him. When Dr. Lee brings it up in therapy, he admits that he feels homesick because he's not with his family anymore. He misses them.

Harry doesn't know why that statement shakes him the way it does. But Louis really loses it a few days later. The kids are all asleep and Louis is sitting next to Harry in the lounge. Normally, he'd leave by now but for some reason he stays.

That reason, seems to be an almost empty bottle of wine they'd opened during dinner. Harry doesn't even remember Louis having more than two glasses.

Basically, Louis is brooding next to him and Harry doesn't know how to react. When Louis falls onto the floor, onto his bum, sitting against the sofa, Harry is alarmed. He didn't look like he fell, really, just like he moved onto the floor.

He drops his head into his knees before turning to look at Harry, like Harry needed to answer a question he didn't ask. Louis moves closer to Harry until he's by Harry's legs and drops his head onto Harry's knees.

Harry watches him, perplexed, until he starts to cry. This time, Harry really is surprised. He touches Louis' hair carefully.

"Louis?" he asks gently.

"I can't lose you," Louis sobs, "I miss you so damn much."

Harry's hand stills in his hair. He swallows back the lump in his throat. Louis has never cried like this, throughout everything, he hasn't been this bad. It's probably the alcohol but still.

"Louis..." Harry says, unsure of what else to say.

"I want to come home," Louis says, finally looking up at Harry. The sight is enough to spur Harry on to cry. "I'll do anything. Please. Please, I'm begging you, Harry."

"Louis, you can't---you're drunk," Harry says, blinking away his own tears.

"I miss our family," he continues, "I miss our baby, fuck, I can't even see him everyday, do you know how much that kills me? I don't know what to fucking do with myself anymore. I'm trying so hard, Harry," he sobs.

Harry cries too, just more silently. "Oh, Louis," Harry gingerly touches his cheek. Immediately, Louis leans into it. And, almost like he's scared Harry will pull away, he reaches up to hold it there, tears wetting Harry's palm.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Louis says, letting out a shaky breath, "I felt like I was letting go and I didn't know why I thought I needed that at the time."

Harry is silent, Louis' grip on his hand not letting up.

"I love you, Harry. I'll always love you, okay? No matter what happens-- if I happen to die tomorrow---"

"Don't say that," Harry scolds him.

"If I died tomorrow," he carries on anyways, making Harry cringe, "I'll die knowing I love you still."

"You can't say things like that," Harry says weakly.

"I don't know what else to say," Louis says, "Ive got nothing else to lose, do I?"

Harry gulps. "You should sleep, Lou. You look tired."

"Can't sleep nowadays anyways," Louis mumbles, sniffling, "not without you."

Harrys heart skips a beat. "Come on, Lou, get up," Harry says softly, helping him up, "I'll bring you some water, okay?"

"Please don't go," Louis slurs out, seated on the sofa now. He grabs Harry's sleeve tightly.

"Only to get water, Lou," Harry says, gently prying his hand away, "so you don't get a headache."

When Harry comes back with the water, Louis is asleep on the sofa, snoring softly. Harry sighs, using the blanket from the back of the sofa to cover him up, reminding him of when Louis did this for him months ago.

They've come a long way from then, harry thinks. For one, they have a new baby now.

Without a second thought, Harry reaches down and moves some of his fringe away from his forehead. Harry's been hurting for so long, he didn't realize that Louis had been hurting too.

___  
  


The next day, Harry picks up Vera from footie practice, effectively avoiding Louis when he comes home to spend time with the kids. Blake and Leo are at home with Adi and Kieran is in his car seat with Harry.

He doesn't know how to face Louis after yesterday, honestly. Something in Harry... Changed, almost. He hated to see Louis cry and yesterday was another level of heartbreaking.

He just---maybe part of him can finally see how sorry Louis is. He's heard it so many times but he's never felt it, or seen it. Yesterday was different.

They're both hurting. Yes, Louis is at fault and Harry had faults of his own but at the end of the day, they're both hurting. And he has to ask himself how much is he willing to put himself through when they're both clearly miserable?

"Daddy, are you and papa getting a divorce?"

Harry almost chokes on his spit, caught off guard by her talking after a long moment of silence. "V, why would you think that?"

She's not stupid and she knows they aren't staying together anymore. But still, she shouldn't have reached that conclusion on her own, could she?

"I know you and papa are not staying together anymore," she says, looking down at her lap, "and my friend Lindsey, she says her parents got divorced and they don't stay together anymore."

"Really?" Harry asks, curious to see where she's going with this.

"Yeah, and she says her dad is staying with a new woman. She said that's his girlfriend."

Harry grimaces.

"Did papa do that to you? Is he going to stay with someone else too?"

"No, no, God, V. He's not staying with anyone else."

"Are you sure?" she looks at him with wide eyes, "because Lindsey said her mum was sad and if papa made you sad---"

"V, it's okay. Don't worry about that happening. Your papa doesn't have anyone else," Harry says, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"Okay..." she trails off, "then why are you both so sad?"

"We're not--" he sighs, "we're figuring some things out. I know it's confusing and I'm sorry we didn't tell you earlier. But we're working on it. We love you all though, I hope you know."

"I know," she says, unusually shy about it, "I love you both too."

"I know, babe," Harry says, bringing her hand up to his mouth and kissing it.

The house is chaos for some reason, when he gets home. He has to balance, Kieran, the twins and V and Adryan. He feels himself burning out the longer Louis takes to get here.

They're normally not this loud or fussy. Even Kieran, for some reason, is extremely fussy today. Generally, he's pretty easy and doesn't fuss much.

"Kieran, baby, please don't cry," Harry huffs, bouncing him in his arms.

Then he can hear yelling again. "Vera and Blake, stop fighting _right now_ ," he yells.

They pause in the hallway, giving each other a look before Vera stomps away and Up the stairs.

"Adryan, put the sound softer on the TV please!" Harry yells. Adryan turns on the sofa to look at him. He pouts and turns the volume down. Right when he does is when Louis walks in.

The relief Harry feels is unreal. He smiles at Louis, even though it's barely returned.

"Pap, you're here," Blake is the first to greet him, hugging him, "we missed you."

"Missed you too, bug," he kisses her hair then looks up at Harry, probably noticing how frazzled he looks. "Kieran okay?"

Harry has a sudden urge to cry. He's so overwhelmed and between the kids today, Vera's questioning and Louis' emotional confession, he can't hold it in for much longer so he doesn't. He starts crying in the middle of the hallway. Not drastically, just silent tears fall down his cheeks.

Louis notices and so does Blake. "H? What's wrong?" he asks, walking to Harry.

"Can you take him? He's just---he's fussy today," Harry says, handing Kieran over to Louis.

Louis nods, carrying Kieran carefully in his arms, his head resting on Louis' shoulder as he taps his back. It only takes a few minutes for Kieran to calm down in which Harry goes back into the kitchen just to sit down. He places his head in his hands, Blake and Louis following behind him.

"Sorry for stressing you out, dad," Blake says, frowning.

"It's okay, love," Harry sighs.

"Babe, give dad and I a few minutes, please? Go see what your siblings are up to."

She nods and walks out of the kitchen, Kieran now silent in Louis' arms. The TV is still too loud for Harry's liking but it's better now.

"Jesus, H, are you okay?" Louis asks, looking as rough as Harry feels honestly.

"No, I'm very... Confused, sad, angry-- overwhelmed," he says, "sit, Lou."

Loui obliges, carefully sitting opposite Harry, adjusting Kieran in his arms, placing a kiss on his head. Harry smiles despite himself.

"What's going on then?" Louis asks. He looks tired as hell but he still looks so ready to listen to whatever Harry has to say. It's fucking with his head man. With his heart.

"V asked if we were getting a divorce," he says.

Louis sighs. "What did you tell her?"

"Not much... I just-- she said one of her friend's parents are divorced and their dad is now staying with smother woman. So she asked me if that's what you're doing."

Louis widens his eyes. "Fuck," he curses.

"Swearing," Harry scolds, "and yeah, I said you aren't obviously and that we're sorting things out."

"Why?" Louis asks.

"Because we--- I mean, it was just her and I and Kieran in the back."

"Yeah, but there's no use lying is there? Now she's just going to think we lied to her and broke her trust."

Harry frowns.

"You should have at least said that we'll talk about that soon or wait for me to come to talk about it---I don't know."

"I can't do that," Harry says, sighing.

Louis hasn't even been served with papers yet so he doesn't know why he's pushing it now. It probably has something to do with last night.

"Why?"

"Because you made me all confused," Harry huffs, "especially after yesterday and I---"

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Louis cuts him off with a sigh, "I just--- it was a momentary lapse of judgment."

Harry chews on the inside of his cheek. "Lou, you were on you knees," he says, not unkindly, just to remind him.

"Harry," Louis whispers, as if to warn him.

"I know that you're trying, Lou," Harry says.

Louis' shoulders sag. "We can talk about this later, okay? I wanna spend some time with the kids for a bit, please?"

Harry nods. Of course he wants to see their kids too. "Don't mention anything to V," he reminds Louis when Louis hands Kieran back to him.

"I know," Louis says, kissing Kieran's covered head.

Harry sighs, happy that at least Kieran is fast asleep, holding the remnant scents of Louis' cologne. 

_____  
  


They don't end up talking later that day or the day after but they're forced to talk about when they see Dr. Lee again. Harry is glad because he's been driving himself mad with it. Louis doesn't bring it up so Harry makes sure he does.

"He was... Crying a lot," Harry explains, "and you-- do you remember a lot of it?" he asks Louis.

Louis nods. "Most of it, yeah," he replies, tone clipped.

"You were holding that in for long then, huh Louis?" Dr. Lee asks.

"I mean... It's nothing you didn't already know," he says to Harry.

Harry swallows. He's right, in a way. But it felt different this time, he's not sure why. He tells Dr. Lee as much.

"Different how?" she asks.

"Like," he huffs, "like I understood him a little better."

Louis snaps his head to look at Harry.

"How so?" she asks him.

Harry shrugs. "I felt it more. I know you've apologized before but I never really felt it until now."

Louis' eyes soften at that.

"Really?" he asks.

"Yeah, you were just... Really vulnerable and you literally begged me not to leave."

"You don't think any of it stemmed from guilt?" Louis asks.

Harry never thought about it that way but he doesn't think so. "No," he shakes his head, "look, Louis, I'll always care about you..."

"Louis, let's talk about this conversation you had with Harry. Have you told your own therapist about it?"

He shakes his head. "I only go to them tomorrow. God it feels like nothing is helping at this point if I had a breakdown like that."

"Louis, we are only human. Moments like that are bound to happen. Maybe before that you weren't in touch with your emotions as much as you thought you were."

Harry can see Louis ponder over her words.

"Harry, do you think Louis' confessions could potentially change the dynamic of your relationship?"

And that's the huge question isn't it? He's convinced himself that getting a divorce would be the right thing to do. But... What if it isn't?

"I don't know," he says honestly. It's stupid that one breakdown from Louis, begging for Harry throws him off isn't it?

"Well, I'll ask you then, have you spoken to your therapist about this?"

"No, this is the first time we're speaking about it---both of us."

"Okay, well, I'm going to ask you, Louis, if you're comfortable discussing exactly what you said? What was going through your mind at the time? "

Louis clears his throat and nods. "Um , I know I did beg him not to leave me, literally on my knees," he chuckles dryly, "I remember telling him that I loved him and that I don't sleep well without him and I remember---I remember feeling his touch, realizing how much I missed it."

Harry exhales. "You said that even if you had to... Die tomorrow you'll die still loving me."

Truthfully, one of the things haunting Harry the most.

"God," Louis snorts, "morbid much."

"Harry, do you believe that?"

Harry searches Louis' face and nods slowly, watching Louis give him a wobbly sort of smile in return. "I think I do." 

____*  
  


It's a Friday morning when he hears someone knocking on his door. He's confused. He isn't expecting anyone to visit. Curiously, he walks towards the door and opens it. A man with a sleek navy blue suit stands on the other end, hair perfectly gelled back.

"Louis Tomlinson?" he asks.

"Yes?" he asks, still confused.

"You have been served," he says, emotionless as he hands Louis a green folder.

Louis feels numb as he takes it. Then, the man walks away, just like that. With shaky hands, he closes the door and opens up the folder.

It's divorce papers. Harry sent the divorce papers. Louis knew he was going to but now it's real and it's here. And just because Harry started to believe Louis now, doesn't mean he doesn't want a divorce anymore, does it?

Louis has no energy left in him as he falls to the floor, sitting against the door. He takes a few deep breaths, feeling himself on the verge of crying. And he realizes... He can't do this.

He can't sign these papers and lose the love of his life. He can't lose his family. He wants to be there for them, for every moment. He wants to see Kieran have his firsts, his other kids grow up in front of him every single day and he wants to show Harry how much he loves him. Something he should have done years ago.

Impulsively , Louis gets up, hands still shaky as he grabs his keys, folder still tight in his hand. He walks to his car with determined steps, tears still blurring his vision.

He has to tell Harry that he can't do this. He's sorry that he's continuously being selfish but he can't let Harry go. Not without a fight. After the few therapy sessions, Louis knows there's something left to fight for now. And he'll be damned if he let's it go so easily. He's not doing that. Not again. 

____*   
  


Harry just reaches home with Adryan when he gets a phone call. It's midday, Friday, which means he could pick up Adi early from school. Kieran is also behaving better than the other day which Harry is thankful about.

When Harry answers his phone, he's carrying Kieran with one hand, sitting next to Adryan on their dining room table while Adryan draws.

"Hi , Harry styles speaking. How may I help you?" he answers , not recognizing the number.

"Harry Styles? Is this not Harry Tomlinson?" a lady asks.

Harry blinks. "Oh , uh, yes this is he. Sorry, just--uh, how may I help you?"

"Your husband is Louis, yes?"

Harry confirms it, not knowing when last he'd heard someone call Louis his husband so nonchalantly.

"He's been in an accident and he's at Greys hospital at the moment. We've contacted you because you're his emergency contact number. He's currently undergoing surgery. Will you be able to make it to the hospital or should I call the second emergency contact? "

Harry's blood runs cold. "Wait, what?"

"Louis Tomlinson, your husband, he's been in a car accident," she repeats.

All of sudden, Harry feels like everything blurs out and his body feels numb yet on high alert at the same time. Once he gets the hospitals name, he realizes he has to drop off the kids somewhere first.

Panicked, he phones Zayn, knowing his mum is away this week.

"Harry?"

"He's been in an accident, z and I need you to watch the kids. I'm sorry I have to go to---"

"Harry, woah, Slow down, mate. What's happened?"

"Louis, he's been in an accident and he's in hospital. I have to go but I have the kids. Can--can you please take care of them? It's only Adi and Kieran for now."

Harry tries not to cry, though his hands are shaking and Adryan notices his distress from the other end of the room.

"Shit, fucking hell. Okay, okay, are you going to drop them off?" zayn asks.

Harry tightens his hold on Kieran. "Yeah, your place is on the way to the hospital but---fuck, you'll have to pick up V and the twins."

"Its fine. I'm off today and I can do that. I won't say anything to them, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah okay. Thank you-- fuck--I'm on my way there, okay?"

"Okay, please keep us updated, okay?"

"I will,"

He doesn't really comprehend how he even drives to Zayn's place just that he does. He tells Adryan that he has some work to do and can only be back later which he believes but pouts about. Harry hands Kieran off to Zayn, kissing his cheek before taking off.

It's the fastest he's ever driven. Once there and walking to the ward Louis is in, is when he finally comprehends what's happening.

"Is he going to be okay?" Harry asks, the smell of cleaning supplies nauseating to the point where it makes him sit down.

"He's undergoing surgery at the moment," The nurse explains, "he's been in for about half an hour now."

"What is he undergoing surgery for? What are his injuries? How long will be in there?" Harry sputters out, swallowing the lump in his throat.

She blinks at him. "Um ," she looks at her clipboard, "he's having surgery for a head injury at the moment. He's sustained multiple cuts and bruises and broken ribs."

"Head injury?" Harry asks, the lump in his throat growing larger, "what kind? Will he be okay?"

"It doesn't seem to be too serious, though he does have numerous injuries. His surgery should be over in about two more hours so time will tell," she says sympathetically.

Harry huffs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "How did this happen?"

"Driver found him on the road, his car was capsized and he was still inside of it. Not sure who hit him but seeing the condition he's in, I'm guessing it was something big."

"Fuck," Harry sighs, covering his face with his hands.

"There's a cafeteria downstairs and a vending machine down the hall if you plan on waiting here," she tells him, "good luck to your husband, Mr. Tomlinson."

Harry nods at her. Once she leaves, Harry does cry into his hands, not loudly, because he is in a hospital after all. He's just--- a head injury. What the fuck?

What the actual fuck? How the hell does that happen? Where was he going? Was he on his way to work? Fuck, and now all Harry can do is wait.

He does wait. He waits for about twenty minutes before he feels his phone ringing.

"Zayn," Harry answers.

"How is he?" Zayn asks, a shake in his voice.

"He's --apparently he has a lot of injuries and he's going through surgery right now because he has a head injury but the nurse didn't tell me what kind of head injury."

"Shit. How the hell did it happen?"

"I don't even know. Apparently someone found the car capsized," Harry swallow, wincing.

"Jesus. Okay, but it's fine. He'll make it. He'll get through this, yeah?"

Harry let's out a breath. "I'm so scared," he sniffs.

"I know but it's okay, Harry. He's strong. He got this," Zayn says, sounding like he's convincing himself too.

Harry whimpers, wiping his eyes. "Are the kids okay?"

"They're fine. They're pretty easy, even Kieran," Zayn says.

Harry smiles a bit. "Okay, just text me when you pick up the others and I'll keep you updated, yeah?"

"Okay. Be strong, H."

"Yeah,"he says, yet feels so disconnected from it.

The next hour and a half is excruciating. He doesn't know what to do with himself. He texts his family and Louis' to let them know what's going on and Lottie says she'll be here soon. That's about it.

Zayn texts him to say that he picked up Vera just as a doctor informs Harry that Louis is out of surgery.

"How is he?" Harry asks, heart in his throat.

"He's okay. The surgery was successful but he needs some time to rest, he's still unconscious right now."

"When will he be awake?" Harry asks, bouncing on his feet.

"He's going to be transferred into the general ward right now and he'll be awake in a few hours."

"Okay," Harry sighs.

He's not prepared for seeing him being wheeled out of the room though. Louis is--- he's in bad shape. Almost unrecognizable, really. He's bruised and battered and Harry can barely spot a piece of skin that isn't purple or blue. His head is also covered in a bandage and there's an ugly tube going into his mouth.

That's what shocks him to his very core. He doesn't expect it. Harry covers his mouth, letting out a sob. None of this feels real.

___  
  


It's feels like forever until he gets to actually see a conscious Louis. It's past supper time and Harry hasn't eaten anything but he doesn't have an appetite right now. The kids are staying at Zayn and Liam's so at least that's taken care of. Though zayn said theyre all asking a lot of questions. He just --he can't tell them yet.

When he walks in, Louis doesn't have the tube in his mouth anymore but he does have the thin one that goes around his face and through his nose. He sitting up but he looks... Rough.

"Harry," Louis says, looking surprised, almost.

"You're a jerk, you know that," Harry says half-heartedly. Next thing he knows, his feet carry him to Louis' bed and he hugs him.

"H, hurting me," Louis says, voice strained.

"Sorry," Harry sniffs, pulling away. He sits on the side of Louis' bed. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Doctor said it was a minor head injury and my other injuries are not too bad," Louis says, holding onto his side, face scrunched up, "ribs still hurt though."

"Are you not on any pain meds?"

"I am but I feel it when I breathe in too much," Louis explains.

Harry stares at him, tears threatening to spill over. "What happened?" he croaks.

Louis frowns. "I was driving and I got hit by a truck."

Harry winces. "Jesus, Louis," he says.

"I really didn't see it," Louis says, "and I--- yeah, but I'm okay now I guess."

"You scared me," Harry says, sniffing. He grabs Louis' hand, holding it in his, thumb rubbing over a scratch gently.

"I'm sorry," Louis says, sounding sincere.

"It's fine, god. Were you on your way to work?"

"No," Louis rubs his head, "I was going to you."

"Me?"

"Got the papers in the morning," Louis says. Harry's face falls. Fuck. He'd forgotten about that. Right. They're meant to be getting a divorce.

"Wanted to drive to you, tell you I love you," Louis slurs out.

Harry widens his eyes. He takes in Louis' appearance. He's probably getting a little loopy from the meds.

"What?" Harry asks in a whisper.

"Don't want a divorce. You know this already," Louis mumbles, squeezing Harry's hand weakly.

"God, Louis," Harry sighs, "you look like you're gonna pass out. We'll talk more tomorrow, okay?"

"Hm, the kids?" Louis blinks.

"With Zayn. They're okay. I'll be back soon, okay?"

Louis nods shortly, head lolling to the side.

All Harry can think about is what Louis said to him about if he had to die tomorrow, he'd die still loving Harry. 

____*  
  


Everything hurts. He's not exaggerating when he says that. Literally every part of his body is aching. It doesn't matter that he's on a drip for the pain. Everything still hurts.

It hurts to breathe properly for God's sake. The doctor says that that's because his ribs are broken and those take time to heal. His head hurts immensely, especially the next day. It feels like he has a constant headache.

It doesn't help that when Harry comes in again the next day, the kids come with him, aside from Kieran. Louis misses them and he wants to see them but it's hard because he can't even make sense of what just happened within 24 hours or so.

When Harry can see that he isn't showing much enthusiasm speaking to them, so he tells them to head out so they can go to the cafeteria and get something to eat.

Louis mouths a thank you to him and within minutes he's asleep again. His body feels exhausted so he can't really help it. It's overwhelming seeing his friends and his family after that. Most of them start crying and Louis can't cry because it hurts.

On Sunday night, two days later, Louis is awake, and he's trying to eat some of the veggies on his plate but they're honestly horrible. Harry comes in, looking sheepish and shy.

"I brought you some milkshake," Harry says, walking to his bed.

Louis perks up a bit. "What milkshake?"

"Strawberry of course," Harry smiles, sitting down on the chair next to Louis' bed.

"Thank you," Louis smiles, drinking some happily. They haven't spoken since the first night Louis told him what happened and how the accident happened.

Honestly, Louis feels kind of embarrassed about it. He's not sure why. Maybe it's because he's acted out of impulse and he got into an accident for Christ's sake, it sounds like a bloody dramatic romance movie.

"You feeling better today?" Harry asks.

"Kind of. Head is still sore and ribs are sore. But everything else is... Fine, I guess," he shrugs.

"That's good. I'm sorry about overwhelming you with the kids yesterday. I should have asked beforehand. They just kept asking and I swear Vera was going to throw tantrum at nine years old if I didn't tell her."

Louis smiles a bit. His cheekbone hurts. "That's okay. I miss them. How's Ki?"

"He's fine. Quiet as usual and behaving for mum," Harry grins.

"Miss him too," Louis says, "can't wait to go home."

"Me too," Harry says, "you'll come home, okay? If you go back to your place no one is gonna be there to take care of you so you'll come home, yeah?"

Louis swallows, nodding. He knows that realistically he won't be able to. "I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not," he says, tone fierce, grabbing his free hand. Right. He's been holding Louis' hand.

"Listen, about the divorce papers... They're obviously destroyed along with the car so..."

Harry frowns. "Louis, I don't care," he says, "all I care about is the fact that you're okay."

Louis moves his straw around in his cup and nods. "Are you managing at home?"

"Mum is helping. I, um, I want to just be there for you."

Louis smiles softly. "Thank you."

And he means it.

"You're welcome," Harry grins.

"No, seriously, Harry," Louis says, looking at him, "I really appreciate it and I don't even deserve to be here, honestly--" he laughs bitterly.

"Stop saying that," Harry says, voice deeper but croaky at the same time, "you do deserve to be here and you do deserve to be alive. Louis, god, stop punishing yourself so much. You could have died for God's sake."

Louis tears up. "I don't think I can forgive myself for that. Even my therapist knows this," he snorts, then hisses in pain.

"Are you-"

"I'm fine," Louis waves him off.

Harry sighs. "Well, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself," Harry says sternly, "stop it with that."

"I'm sorry. I just--- I feel lost, H," he laughs humourlessly, "I just--- yeah, I'm not okay, not just physically."

Harry frowns. "Lou," he whispers, "you have to be opened with your therapist about this. Talk about it, love."

Louis' heart warms at the pet name. "I will. I don't---I don't want to die? I just feel like if it does happen then part of me deserves it and it's so fucked up."

"Yeah," Harry agrees, holding Louis' hands tighter, "please talk about this. I don't want you feeling this way if I --if I ever lost you--" he cuts himself off with a sharp sob.

"Baby," Louis says, hurt whenever he hears Harry cry.

"Whatever it is, we can talk, okay? Fuck, we can talk. But get better first, okay?"

Louis nods. "Okay," he says, feeling a little bit lighter, "Okay." 

____*  
  


"So, how's it having him home?" Zayn asks.

Harry peeps into the living room to see Louis sleeping soundly on the sofa, Adryan sitting in front of him watching TV.

"It's okay, just really busy between the baby and him but you know how he is... He is stubborn and wants to do things by himself even though he can't really do it."

Zayn smiles, a little fondly. "He's looking much better though."

"It's been three weeks and he's progressed a lot, yeah," Harry says, "he does tire himself out a lot though."

"That sounds like him, honestly," Zayn snorts, "and did you guys talk by any chance?"

Harry sobers up a little. "He's not okay. I mean, he's better now because he's been seeing a therapist more often and he said he spoke about how he felt. It'll take him some time before he stops feeling guilty though."

Zayn purses his lips, moving the tea in his cup around. "And what about you?"

"I'm... Okay, I think? Like I'm just--- I'm so worried about him. I almost lost him and I--" he sighs, "I don't know how I'd do anything without him."

Zayn regards him carefully. "Right, well I'm just gonna remind you that you can not want him dead and still want a divorce, yeah?"

Harry grimaces a bit. "I'm not thinking about that right now. Honestly, I don't... I don't know how much I want it anymore."

Zayn raises an eyebrow at him. "Are you sure?"

"No," he says honestly, "but I don't want to focus on that either. Right now, all I care about is Louis getting better. Once he is better then we can discuss it again. I'll have to call my lawyer and hold it off."

"But he got served the papers, didn't he?" Zayn asks.

"Yeah," Harry winces, "he did."

He feels guilty for that.

Zayn stares at him. "Well I think you need to talk to him about everything. Soon."

Harry swallows , nodding.

It's a week later when Louis brings it up. Harry comes into the room to wish Louis goodnight when he says;

"We have to talk about what I said to you that day," Louis says. He looks comfortable in Leo's bed, Adryan asleep in the bed next to him.

Leo generously offered to move to the couch while Louis stayed here and healed, since all their rooms are now taken up.

Harry looks at him and sighs. He glances at Adi just to check if he's still asleep. He's out like a light. So, Harry walks to the bed, sitting next to Louis, keeping some space between them.

"What I said is true, but you know that by now. In case my breakdown and loopy confession hasn't been enough."

Harry snorts.

"So, I wanted to ask you how you're feeling about it all? My therapist said I need to ask you how you're doing about everything and they have a point."

"It's a lot," he says honestly, trying to be as quiet as possible, "But I'm really glad you're here and alive."

"I know you're glad I'm alive. I am too, I promise," Louis says, much more calmer than Harry had seen him almost a month ago in hospital, "but you need to tell me what you're feeling about us. About our relationship."

Harry sighs. He bites his bottom lip nervously.

"Harry, look, I was destroyed, okay? And I'm going to be sad now too. But how I feel and what I do, is not your responsibility. If getting a divorce is something you still want, then it's fine. I'll deal with it. Better than I did, trust me. I'm learning to do better. I'm learning how to not be selfish."

Harry looks at him, then down at his lap. "Thank you," he says, "I'm doing better too, I think. Like, my life has been a lot lately but I'm.. Fine, given everything happening," he chuckles a bit, leaning back against the wall.

"About our relationship... I'm confused I think," he says, like he's just recently told his therapist too.

"Okay, well, um , can you see us being together again? Or is it still something you can't do?"

Harry turns to look at him, eyes stunningly blue even in the pale moonlight. He thinks about it. Really thinks about it. He thinks about the Louis he'd fallen in love with, the one who'd do anything for Harry, or for their kids, who devoted his time to make sure they have a better life, who was the best person Harry has ever known.

And really, none of those things have changed about him. He would still do anything for their kids, for Harry as well, he still works hard to make sure they have a good life and he's... He's the best person Harry knows.

He's a person who made a mistake. A huge fucking mistake and is trying to redeem himself, whether that means them staying together or not. He's trying. Which is more than Vera's friend's dad did, probably. Not that he should compare their situations but he subconsciously does anyways.

Harry misses Louis. That's what it boils down too, honestly. He misses him a lot and he tries hard to push that feeling down because he wants what's logically best for him and kids. And logically, if your partner cheats on you, you leave them. Rightfully so. They fucked up and it's hard to forgive.

But if Harry had to have lost Louis... He doesn't know if he would be okay with the decisions he'd made before that.

So maybe they don't work logically but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, does it? A love like theirs is not something you'd just find anywhere. Harry knows that. He'd forgotten that for a while-- they both did. Louis handled it... Differently.

The question is, can Harry forgive that? Enough to move on nonetheless?

"When I thought there was a possibility of losing you, the first thing I thought about was the fact that I won't ever be able to hold your hand again," he reveals.

It's why the first thing he did when he saw Louis, aside from hug him, was hold his hand. He'd missed that warmth and Louis' slightly dry fingers in his.

Louis looks at him intently, waiting for him to continue.

"You've been saying that you don't want to lose me--- that you can't. But I-- I don't want to lose you too. I can't."

Louis reaches down and grabs one of Harry's hands from his lap. He intertwines their fingers with a small smile on his face.

"I think," he let's out a deep breath, "I want to go to couples therapy. Like, the proper one without the divorce being held above our heads."

Louis' eyes shimmer. "I honestly think Dr. Lee has been more or less giving us that for the past month or so, don't you think?"

Harry chuckles. She probably has been. "Yeah, but I'm saying I want to do it without the endgame being a divorce," he says quietly, "I want to _see_ if we can work out."

"Yeah?" Louis asks, sitting up straighter.

Harry nods, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. "I know you fucked up but I don't hate you, you know? I want to see if we can have a life together again."

Louis' grin is wide and wobbly as a response. He brings Harry's hand to his lips, placing two firm kisses there before looking back up at Harry. "If this is what you really truly want... Then thank you."

"Its to see if this can work out though," Harry says, just as a warning, "I'm not going to guarantee you an outcome of us being a couple again."

Louis nods. "I know that. I'm on board with that."

Harry smiles. "Okay." 

____

Louis' healing takes time, of course. Especially with his ribs. But he's back to doting over Kieran for everything in no time. And Adryan is attached to him 24/7 too. Vera keeps nagging him to play footie again and Blake bakes for him whenever she can, Leo, on the other hand, is just... Chilling, really. He's neither here nor there and Harry knows he cares about Louis. He sits with Louis every night to talk to him before going to bed.

Their relationship overall has improved a lot and Leo has stopped seeing his therapist about a month and a half ago.

Harry is fine too. They start actual couples therapy and it's tense at first. They've gone through so many therapists, together and alone, yet the first time is always so tense.

But by a month later, when Louis is more or less healed and Kieran is four months old, Harry can _feel_ progress.

They're sitting in the living room, Harry next to Louis while Louis holds Kieran, and Harry intertwines their hands together. Louis looks down and notices it but doesn't say anything, just squeezes it back.

It's progress.

Louis also doesn't move back into his flat. He had to rent it out anyways and Harry was okay with him being at home again, honestly.

He officially sleeps in their bed again two weeks after that. Harry prompts the idea and Louis agrees almost immediately. At first it's weird but once Louis touches Harry's waist, they just melt together, fitting perfectly against one another.

It's the first time in a long time Harry has been held. Held by his husband. And he missed it.

After two months, Harry tells Louis that he wants them to try being a couple again, officially. But he wants to take it slow. But that of course doesn't stop Louis from sending flowers to work everyday, chocolates or even balloons.

He's buttering Harry up but Harry doesn't even care. He deserves to be spoilt a bit.

They go on their first official date on a Saturday evening. His mum is watching the kids at her place and they go out for a dinner and a movie. It's standard really and nothing special but Harry's cheeks hurt from how much he's laughed by the end of it. He can't remember when last he's laughed that hard at anything, really.

By date number three, Harry and Louis share a joint together and get high in their bedroom. He also doesn't know when last he did that. But he gets sight of Louis then; the one who was exciting and thrilling and made Harry's bones tingle and toes curl. His Louis was right there in front of him all over again.

Shortly after that, they kiss for the first time and Harry-- he missed it. It's been over a year since he's kissed Louis. Way too long. But within good reason of course. Louis is tentative at first, making sure not to push Harry but Harry is addicted by the next day. Needless to say, the amount of makeout sessions as a result is more than worth it.

For the twins' birthday, they share a kiss in front of their kids that they're forced to explain. And even though Harry didn't want to tell them so soon, he can feel himself falling for Louis all over again. Nothing he can do this time to stop it. They're delighted of course. But later that day, Leo pulls Louis aside to talk to him.

Harry doesn't mean to eavesdrop except he does, peeping at them in the hallway.

"You have to promise you won't hurt dad again," he says sternly to Louis, eyebrows furrowed.

Louis looks slightly amused and slightly fond. He holds out his pinky. "You have my word, love. I'll never do something that stupid ever again."

Harry's heart warms. He smiles softly. He realizes then, that he may just believe it a little more everyday.

Things do look up after that. They're building trust with each other and Harry let's his guard down fully. Enough for them to have sex for the first time. It's a little awkward at first because Harry still feels a little insecure. He can't help it. Part of him always wondered if Louis stopped taking an interest in him because he doesn't look the way he used to.

But Louis makes sure Harrys worries are put to rest. He loves Harry and Harry knows, he feels that with every thrust, every kiss, every moan. They fit together and they always have. He looks at Louis once they're done and smiles to himself. He can't seem to regret giving him a second chance, giving them a second chance.

Of course, there are days where Harry's other insecurities get the best of him but he can't help it. Like when Louis tells Harry he has to stay at work late one night so they shouldn't wait for him for supper, Harry feels a sense of deja vu.

He worries that this pattern will start all over again and everyone's fears, including his own will come true. The "once a cheater, always a cheater" line will be thrown in his face. He can't help but be worried.

When Louis does come home later that night and cuddles up behind Harry, placing a kiss to his neck, he doesn't smell of someone else, which makes Harry relax a bit.

"Are you awake?" Louis asks softly.

Harry nods, still feeling dubious about the whole thing.

"Sorry I had to work so late today," he sighs, warm breath hitting the back of Harry's neck, "new case has been so demanding."

Harry is still stiff in his arms, which Louis probably notices. Slowly, Louis leans up on his elbow to look down at Harry.

"Hey, baby, look at me," he says softly. Harry swallows, turning onto his back, looking up at Louis. "Love, I swear on our kids that it was just work. I'd never ever do that again to you. I never want to. You're all I see, all I care about and all I love, okay?"

Harry nods but its still... Unsure.

"God, darling," Louis touches his cheek, "please trust me on this. If you want, you can watch me through my work cameras and track my phone. Honestly, anything it takes to make you believe I'll never do something so stupid ever again."

"I know," Harry sighs, "I just can't help it sometimes. When you said you'll be working late, all I thought about was what if the same thing happens all over again?"

Louis has a sad look in his eyes. "It's not going to. Never ever. I love you, Harry. More than anything in the entire world."

His words are sincere and Harry believes him. It's been enough time now that he does believe Louis when he says that.

"There's going to be moments like that for a while though, I think. Because I can't help it," Harry says.

"I know," Louis shifts so that he's hovering over Harry, "but I love you and only you, remember that okay?"

Harry nods jerkily. "I love you too."

Louis smiles, kissing Harry softly, nudging their noses together. "I'm so bloody lucky to have you, you know that?"

Harry blushes.

"No, really. Thank you so much for being you, for giving me a second chance even though I didn't deserve it. I love you more than words can describe."

Harry tears up a bit. "You're such a kiss-ass," he laughs wetly, hands fiddling with Louis' shirt.

Louis chuckles, kissing his forehead. "Best thing that's ever happened to me and I mean that," he says fiercely.

Harry smiles, kissing him again, arms looping around his neck to pull him closer as they throw themselves into each other. Harry feels it deep inside of him; the love he has for this man. And he knows Louis loves him just as much.

It's never easy to trust someone again. Especially someone you've loved so dearly that broke your heart. But they learn to do so slowly. No matter what, Harry and Louis know at the end of the day, they belong to each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of doing an epilogue. What do you guys think?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank everyone that's supported this fic so far. I really appreciate everyone that's given it a chance.
> 
> I've been wanting to write a cheating fic for a while despite the controversy lol. So I'm glad I finally did it. It took about four months to finish because I was so unsure about it. 
> 
> I didn't want it to seem like Harry had forgiven Louis too easily because from the few fics I've read like this, it seemed that way. So I really really hope that was portrayed well.
> 
> Also a reminder, I do not condone cheating and if it's happened to you, you follow what your heart tells you to do. 
> 
> Anyways, here's an epilogue. Hope you enjoy!

  
Kieran's first birthday is emotional. For One, he turned one for Christ's sake, Louis isn't sure where the time had gone, two, Harry and Louis both come to realize how far they'd come during the last few months and three, their kids are growing up so fast.

Vera turned ten already and the twins are going to turn fifteen shortly after this. Then their other baby boy is going to be seven. Louis hated that they were growing up so fast.

Not to mention the fact that Louis is turning thirty-six this year and Harry turned thirty-four already. He had a good cry about it too, claiming he felt too old and everything was moving too fast.

Thinking about Harry makes Louis smile. He finds his husband at the other end of the backyard where he's holding Kieran in his arms. Kieran, who looks like a split image of Harry, is looking down, fiddling with Harry's necklace.

He's talking to someone with a smile on his face--- Liam, Louis notices. Louis is happy to just watch him do so, leaning against the verander pole, sipping his drink (it's pineapple juice; they're keeping it PG for a one-year-olds birthday).

"You look madly in love, Sir," Zayn says, suddenly appearing beside him, throwing an arm around Louis' shoulders.

"I am madly in love," Louis sighs dramatically, "what do I do about it?"

"Cherish it," Zayn pats his shoulder, "because I hope you know if you ever pull that shit again I'll fucking kick your arse, mate."

Louis snorts a bit. "Never doing it again. Don't know why I ever did in the first place, to be quite honest with you."

"I know. And I know you two have worked things out. I know he's beginning to trust you again. So I'm obliged to tell you that if you screw up again..."

"I won't," Louis says without a doubt. He never ever will do it again. He'd fucking take an oath on the Bible if he had to or walk on bloody coals to prove himself.

"Good," Zayn grins.

"Hey, Lou," Harry says, walking up to him and Zayn, "and Zayn."

"Hello, love," Louis smiles, arms reaching for Kieran already.

"Can't believe the oopsy baby is the one that looks exactly like you," Zayn comments, letting go of Louis to pinch his cheeks.

Kieran smiles, dimples popping. Louis kisses his cheek because he _has to_ of course.

"Don't call him an oopsy baby," Harry scolds, folding his arms across his chest.

"Yeah most of our kids were oopsy babies besides V, honestly," Louis snorts.

Harry wacks his arm. " _Louis_ ," he chastises.

"Ow," Louis pouts, "it doesn't mean I love any of them any less."

Harry rolls his eyes.

"Did you notice that all of your kids have more or less a five-year age gap between the previous one?" Zayn asks.

Louis looks at Harry then shrugs. "Not something we really noticed, I guess."

"Why did you notice that?" Harry asks curiously.

Zayn shrugs. "We were thinking of adopting another baby but I'm not sure about the age gaps being so big. Then I realized that your kids have a bit of an age gap."

"Honestly, Z, things like age gaps are stupid. If you want another kid, have another kid. I'm sure the girls would love to have another baby in the house."

"Yeah, I agree," Harry chimes in, "we know there's over a decade between the twins and this one," he moves some of Kieran's hair from his face, "but it doesn't matter to us."

"Yeah, Aliyah is ten and she's the eldest --- she seems to want another sibling. A boy specifically," Zayn chuckles.

"Well, I say go for it. Adoption might take some time too, doesn't it?"

"It does, yeah," Zayn sighs, "anyways, where's that lovely cake that you cut?"

"Over there where your husband is standing," Harry says, pointing to the drinks and snacks table.

"Well, if you'll excuse me then," Zayn smiles, pinching Kieran's cheek one last time before walking to his husband.

Harry takes his place next to Louis, fixing the collar on Kieran's shirt. Louis can't help but stare at him again. He just can't fathom how lucky he is to have someone like Harry.

"You might burn a hole through my face if you stare any longer," Harry mumbles, smirking at him.

Louis blushes, looking at Kieran instead. "Can't help it sometimes, you know?"

Harry kisses his cheek, stepping closer to him. Louis wraps his free arm around Harry's waist to pull him closer. In return he places two quick kisses to Harry's temple.

"Thank you," Louis says to him, Kieran in his own world in Louis' arms.

"For?" Harry asks, looking at him, eyes beautifully green.

"Choosing me. For always choosing me."

Harry's eyes soften. He leans in closer to Louis. That's when Kieran makes a noise, making a motion in the air that looks like he's grabbing at something, which means he's hungry.

"I got it," Louis sighs, stepping away from Harry to go inside and feed him. He looks over his shoulder to see Harry watching them with a fond smile on his face. And, yeah, Louis really is lucky. 

____  
  


When Louis walks into the bathroom, the first thing he sees is Harry looking at himself in the mirror, pinching the fat around his stomach with a frown on his face.

Louis walks up behind him carefully, wrapping his arms around his waist. He places a kiss to his neck, resting his chin on Harry's shoulder.

"Hey, baby," Louis says, looking at him through the mirror.

Harry smiles, leaning back against Louis to kiss him on his lips. Louis hums in content. He's right where he needs to be. Where he always wants to be.

"What are you doing?" Louis asks him, even though he might have an idea.

Harry sighs, looking at the mirror again. "I've put on a lot of weight after Kieran..."

"That's not a bad thing," Louis says honestly.

Harry huffs. "I don't know... I think I should start working out again. I just don't always have time to."

"You look perfect already, love. You don't need to do anything. If you want to workout, then you can. But I don't think you need to. You're beautiful, babe. Always have been, always will be."

Harry smiles softly at him. "Thank you. I think I kind of needed to hear that."

"I love you," Louis says, kissing his cheek then down to his jaw and neck, sucking the skin slightly.

"Lou, wait," Harry whimpers a bit.

"Yeah?"

Harry turns around in his arms, throwing his own around Louis' neck. "I wanted to talk to you about something..."

"Yeah, okay. Tell me?" Louis says, rubbing his hands over Harry's hips.

"I don't want anymore kids," he says, biting his lip, "is that okay with you?"

Louis nods immediately. "Yes, love. It's fine. This is your body, your choice."

Harry let's out a breath. "Okay, well, I know our sex life has been.. Good again, but I wanted to ask if you'd be okay with getting a vasectomy?"

Louis nods slowly. "Yeah, I think I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he confirms, "you've been through more than enough. I think it's time I feel some pain too," he chuckles.

Harry grins. "I think it's about time too."

Louis smiles, kissing him again. "I adore you."

He feels Harry's teeth break out into a smile against his lips. "I know you do."

"And Harry... You really don't need to change anything about yourself, okay? You're so perfect, trust me. I'm all for whatever will make you feel better about yourself but you don't have to do anything. Love you just the way you are."

Harry snorts, shaking his head. "You're so much more sappier now."

"I've always thought these things. I just... I never said them out loud. I assumed you knew them. That was one of my mistakes."

Harrys smile falls but his eyes remain soft. "Well, I love you just the way you are too."

Louis smiles. "Yeah? Nothing to change? Not even leaving my socks all over?"

Harry laughs, the sound beautiful to Louis' ears. "Maybe just the one thing then."

Louis chortles, placing one last kiss to his lips. "Put some clothes on, please. You're distracting me and I have to go soon."

Harry pouts. "Don't want you to leave."

"I have to leave, baby. I'll be back before you know it," Louis says, unhappy to leave Harry too but knowing he has to.

He has a work conference sort of thing out of town for three days and Louis hates that he has to leave his family for that long. Maybe that's not really long but it is for Louis. He'd only just gotten them back; he doesn't feel like losing them any time soon.

Plus, he can tell Harry is feeling a little hesitant about it all. They've come a long way with their trust. And Harry says he's forgiven Louis and that he trusts him now. But he's human. There will always be moments where he feels insecure and has his doubts. Louis can't blame him for that since he did royally fuck up.

"Gonna miss you," Harry mumbles, looking down.

"Gonna miss you too. So much," Louis says sincerely.

Harry nods. "I'll leave you to it then. You sure your bag is packed?"

"Yes, darling. All packed."

"Toothbrush?" Harry asks.

Louis nods. "Got it. And I got my shaving blade too. Don't worry, love. I'll see you downstairs in a few, yeah?"

Harry sighs. "Okay, and the kids are sorted for school already?"

"Yup. Only Adi that needs to wake up and Kieran," Louis says.

Harry nods. "I'll go wake Adi up then."

Louis kisses him one last time before Harry walks out of their bathroom. He sighs, heading into the shower. He's really is going to fucking miss them. 

When he gets downstairs about twenty minutes later, the kids are getting their school bags onto their shoulders. He rushes to them, placing a kiss on each of their cheeks.

"Love you guys. I'm gonna miss you," he says, hugging Adi tightly.

"Bring us presents," Adryan says with a toothy smile.

Louis chuckles. "Okay, love. I will do that. What do you want?"

"Colour pencils for my new art project."

"You got it, love," he kisses him one last time then goes to Harry.

"Love you," he says, kissing him again. He can never get enough.

Harry smiles. "love you too. Let me know when you've dropped Kieran off, okay? And when you reach there."

Louis nods. "I will. Have fun at work."

Harry scrunches his nose. "Thanks."

Louis sighs, watching them go out of the house. He makes his way back upstairs to get Kieran up and ready to take him to Anne's before he heads to Manchester. 

____*  
  


Harry feels the absence as soon as he gets home. He's gotten so attached to Louis all over again in such a short amount of time, it's a little scary. But he doesn't try to fight it anymore. He knows they love each other and he's done fighting that.

It's just--- now, he feels it in his bones that Louis isn't here. He and Adryan are quiet while they drive to pick up the twins and Vera. Adryan is uncharacteristically quiet though. His son always has something to say.

"Adi, you okay?" Harry asks him, glancing at him through the rear view mirror.

Adryan sighs, a pout on his face that looks eerily similar to Louis'. "I miss papa. Is he staying somewhere else again?"

Harry's heart aches. "No, love. I told you it's only work. He'll be back by Friday."

Adryan sighs, resting his elbow on the side, propping his head up with his hand. "Are we going to have supper at nan's today?"

"No, I'll pick Kieran up and we can make something at home. How about your favourite, huh?"

Adryan perks up a bit. "Shepherds pie?"

"Yup. Sound good?"

He nods excitedly. "Tomorrow we can eat at nan's though, right? She promised to make me those biscuits."

Harry chuckles. "Okay, love." 

While they're eating supper, Louis texts Harry. He'd already informed Harry when he'd reached Manchester and when he dropped off Kieran but nothing after that. Which was fine, he's busy after all.

But now, he sends Harry a text with a picture of food. It looks kind of sad, really; pale carrots, some Peas, mashed potatoes and a questionable piece of meat next to it.

_Really, really missing you. Look at this crap they're feeding me._

Harry laughs at the text. He places his fork down to reply.

_I wouldn't eat that meat if I were you. Looks questionable._

_Definitely not eating it. What are you lot having?_

Harry texts him to say that they're having shepards pie.

_My fave? :(_

Harry chuckles again.

 _Your son's favourite too_ , Harry reminds him.

"Dad, what happened to no phones at the table rule?" Blake asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

Harry rolls his eyes. "Just checking up on your paps, love."

_Got to go. Being reprimanded by our own kids for using a phone at the dining table. Love you x_

_Sorry, babe. Love you too. I'll give you guys a call in a few, yeah?_

_Sounds good x_

And Harry leaves it at that, not missing his daughter's smug smile. They are truly menaces sometimes. He blames that entirely on Louis.

After supper, Louis calls them just before bed time for Adryan. They FaceTime because it's easier that way.

"Did you get my present yet?" Adryan asks immediately.

"Hello to you too, Adi," Louis grins, amused, "no, I haven't gotten it yet."

Adryan pouts. "Is it late where you are?"

"Same time, darling," Louis laughs.

They bombard him with questions after that, mostly from Adryan, then he gets to say hi to Kieran before talking to Harry.

"Hi, love. Miss you already," Louis says, leaning against what looks like a headboard.

"Miss you too," Harry says, "did you eat your horrible supper?"

"No," he grimaces, "went out to buy McDonald's."

Harry shakes his head fondly. "Of course you did. I'll cook you something special when you come back on Friday if you want."

Louis smiles softly. "Adi already stole my favourite."

Harry chuckles. "I'll make you that steak that you like then," he says, "speaking of, I need to send him to bed."

"Okay. Thanks, love. I love you. See you soon, yeah? Give the kids a kiss from me."

"I will. Love you too. Bye, Lou."

When Harry goes back to the living room, Adryan has Kieran in his lap and cuddling him close. Endeared, Harry takes out his phone and takes a picture, sending it to Louis.

He puts Adryan and Kieran to bed, then the twins and Vera, who have an extra half hour before going to sleep, normally. When he goes to bed, he sees a text from Louis.

_They look so cute. Miss you guys so much :( love you lots, babe. Take care. Sweet dreams x_

Harry smiles, holding Louis' pillow to his chest.   
  


____  
  


The next day, like he'd promised Adryan, they have supper at his mum's . And it's a nice surprise to see Gemma there as well. He hasn't seen her since he'd first found out about Louis and she'd given him a whole lecture about how he could do better and how Louis is an ass.

Since then, she hasn't visited much but Harry knows her job is demanding anyways, as a neurosurgeon. So he doesn't blame her. She has messaged him in between anyways.

So it's nice to have her over for supper. She mostly talks to the kids since they've missed their aunt so much and they're fascinated by anything she says. Vera says she wants to be a doctor like her aunt too, which is news to Harry. Last he'd heard, she wants to be a professional footie player.

Harry finally has some time to spend with her alone when they're done with the dishes and his mum is occupying the kids in the lounge. They sit at the dining table, cradling a cup of tea in their hands.

"How's Tom?" Harry asks her.

"He's fine. Just as busy as me nowadays but we make time for each other."

"That's good," he smiles, "still don't want kids?"

She shakes her head. "We're making time for each other but we definitely won't have enough time for kids. Besides, I think you've had enough for the two of us now."

They both chuckle. Harry rolls his eyes. "Well, I'm officially stopping now. Asked Louis to close his factory."

He watches her mouth twitch like she has something to say. Harry suspects that she might. She knows they're back together and she was very adamant about them ending things before. She hasn't said anything about them since.

"What is it?" Harry asks her, stomach turning.

Gemma sighs, looking up at him. "You sure you're doing the right thing, getting back together with him?"

Harry chews on the inside of his cheek. "I had a lot of doubts and trust me, I wasn't willing to at first. But I know I made the right choice now. It's not easy but we're both putting in the work to make this relationship last."

Gemma sips on her tea before speaking again.

"Well, I think you've made a mistake," she says, jaw clenched suddenly, like she's angry.

Harry blinks at her. "What?"

"Harry, he's done it once, who's to say he won't do it again? I mean where is he right now?"

"He's at a work conference in Manchester---"

"And you believe him?" she asks incredulously.

"I have to otherwise this relationship won't work," Harry replies, feeling a little cornered.

"Didn't you say that's when all of that shit started? Him cheating on you? He worked late, went to business trips out of town--- it's the same pattern."

All of Harry's insecurities come barreling back to the surface. He's been hesitant about Louis going away for so long but he trusts him. He knows he won't do that again. He won't. He _can't_.

"He's done it once, and what's that saying, once a cheater always a cheater ?" she asks, a little heated, "Honestly, H, I don't know what you were thinking giving him another chance."

Harry swallows the lump in his throat. He always had a feeling she didn't approve of his decision but not to this extent. And it's just--- they've done a lot of therapy together, they've cried and fought it out and no, it doesn't mean it's all fine and good now, but it's better. They've worked hard--- they're working hard.

"I love him, Gem. We want to make it work."

"I just don't get it. What happened to love isn't enough?" she asks, "and did he love you enough to sleep with someone else for _months_? _Fall in love_ with someone else?"

Harry shakes his head, tears falling down his cheeks silently. He doesn't like to be reminded of it because the wound is still fresh. It still hurts. It will for a while, like their therapist said.

"You don't get it," Harry says softly.

"I do get it. I know th---"

"No, you don't, Gemma," he snaps at her, "you don't know what it's like to give your heart to someone you love only for them to rip it to pieces. You don't know what's it's like to still love them anyways because you know what? Love is fucking messy and confusing and it's not linear, there's no default, there's no protocol for it. There's no handbook on what to do when your husband cheats on you. There's no guide on how to feel when, even though you know ending things would be conventionally right, you still felt like the world was going to end when I almost lost him in that car accident, okay? He's a human being and human beings fuck up. If you messed up a surgery, something so important and detrimental, do you want people to hold it over your head for the rest of your life? Especially if you know you fucked up and want to make things right? "

She purses her lips, looking away. "Messing up a surgery isn't the same thing as cheating on someone for months."

"I _know_ that and I know this is not what you wanted for me and I know he hurt me, more than anything, but I also know that he loves me more than anything. I know that if I had to call him right now and ask him to come home to me--- to us--- he'd do it a heartbeat. We're not perfect but we're trying. Love isn't supposed to be easy, it's not supposed to be like those fairytales you watch. He won't always make me happy and I'll fuck up too. But we both want to put it in the effort to make it work because we know what we have is worth it in the end, okay? "

She fish mouths for a second but doesn't reply so, Harry places his cup down and gets up. "I know you work more logically and that's fine. But you need to listen to your heart sometimes too."

With that, he walks out of the kitchen to get the kids ready to leave.

"Everything okay, love?" his mum asks.

"Fine. I just need to get home. Louis will call soon too," Harry says, urging them to get up and gather their things.

He picks up Kieran, kisses his mum on the cheek, glad his sister hasn't come out of the kitchen yet, and leaves as soon as possible.

Later, when they call Louis, Harry stays away while the kids talk to him, trying to gather his thoughts before he gets to talk to him. He packs their lunches for school in the mean time and gets Kieran to bed when he starts fussing.

He's just reached the lounge again when Vera hands him his phone. "Papa wants to talk to you," she says, "he says he misses you too."

Harry grins. "Thanks, love. You guys go get ready for bed in the mean time, yeah?"

"Okay, night, dad. Love you," she hugs him quickly before hurrying up the stairs.

"She's still so hyper for a ten-year-old," Louis comments. Harry looks at him and smiles. "The twins weren't like that, were they?"

He shakes his head. "They've always been kinda quiet though, like Kieran."

"Yeah, that's true," Louis hums, "you okay, love?"

Harry sighs, waiting for the kids to go upstairs first, wishing them goodnight before he speaks to Louis.

"Met Gemma today," Harry says.

"Yeah, the kids were saying. How is she?"

"She's fine. Said some things I didn't like..."

"Like what?" Louis asks, eyebrows furrowed.

Harry pulls a thread on his cardigan, shrugging. "Said some stuff about us... Not very nice stuff about you."

Louis frowns. "I didn't think she'd like me much anymore but I didn't know she'd be that bad. What did she say?"

"She said that I made a mistake, getting back together with you. That you did it once you'll probably do it again. She made it seem like she's disappointed in me and spoke to me like I'm a bloody child."

Harry shakes his head, wiping his eyes. "Sorry, just made me mad."

He looks at Louis again when he realizes he hasn't said anything yet. "Lou?"

"I'm sorry she made you upset," Louis says, "you don't--- you don't feel that way though, do you? You trust me, right?"

Harry nods. "I do trust you. I'm--- part of me will be doubtful. For a while probably. But it doesn't mean I don't trust you necessarily, I'm just scared."

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry," Louis says softly.

"Its fine. I just... Everything I was scared of, she made me feel it all again. I hated it," he whispers, "but I defended you--- us."

"You did?" Louis asks with a grin.

"Yes," Harry says, "I know why I did what I did and I know that I love you and you love me. It's no one else's business what we do. Just because they don't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong."

Louis' eyes crinkle from him smiling so widely. "I love you, you know that? I'm so damn lucky to have you. And I'm sorry she said those things but I'm--- I'm glad you feel that way. I love you more than anything. Trust me, that's never going to happen again. It shouldnt have in the first place."

"I know," he gives Louis a shaky smile, "I know and I love you too."

Louis smiles. "Hey, cheer up, love. You want to watch Lucifer together?"

Harry snorts. "No, I'm okay. I'll wait for you to come back so we can cuddle."

Louis blushes a bit. "Okay, fair enough. Love you, baby. Sweet dreams, yeah?"

"Love you too."

Louis hangs up after blowing him a kiss. Smiling, Harry leans back against the sofa. He let's out a breath. Harry hopes she'll eventually come around because this is his life now. And whether she likes it or not, Louis is going to be part of it. He always will be.  
  


___  
  


It's Friday the next day, which means Harry comes home just after midday and he'll have a few hours to himself before the kids come. Since Adi started going to the same school as his siblings, he doesn't finish the same time as Harry anymore.

Harry is planning what to have with steak tonight for when Louis arrives when he's startled seeing Louis standing right there as soon as he opens the door.

"Louis, what are you doing here?" he asks, hand over his heart to calm its rapid rate.

"Sorry for scaring you. Wanted to surprise you," he explains, walking closer to Harry.

"Really?" Harry asks, smiling at him.

Louis nods, resting his hands on Harry's waist and kissing him softly. "You seemed really upset yesterday and I didn't want to wait any longer to see you again, honestly."

Harry's smile softens. He cups Louis' cheeks and kisses him again. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me," Louis says, kissing his cheek then his nose, "come on, I made us some lunch too."

"You did?" Harry perks up. He didn't eat anything yet so he's starving.

"Yeah, made that fish casserole you like," he says, grabbing Harry's hand to lead him to the kitchen.

"But you said you wanted steak today," Harry says, scanning the baked fish in a dish, set up on their table with some wine.

"You do everything for me. Let me do this for you. We can have steak another day," he chuckles, pulling Harry closer.

Harry shakes his head fondly before hugging him tightly, tucking his face into Louis' neck. He sighs in content.

"I love you," he mumbles to Louis.

"I love you too," Louis says, his thumb rubbing Harry's back soothingly. He kisses Harry's hair. "Now come on, let's enjoy this while we can before the kids come back. Maybe we can have some me and you time too."

Harry pulls away, snorting. "Aren't you tired?"

"A little but I missed you. Always have time for you anyways. Missed this bum too," he says, giving Harry's bum a cheeky squeeze.

Harry giggles, patting Louis' bum too. "Fine, let's eat then."

They have time for themselves; the fish casserole was a little overdone but it was good nonetheless and they get to squeeze in a quickie in the room before the kids come in.

After that, they spend the rest of the evening together, Louis sitting in the lounge, Adryan leaning against him on one side with Kieran on his lap. He grins and joins them, leaning into Louis too.

"Love you," Louis says, kissing his cheek.

"Love you too," Harry says, kissing his shoulder.

This right here is what Harry knows he wants for the rest of his life. Love is not as simple as wanting to stay or leave a person. It's complex, consisting of different emotions all at once. And sometimes, it's not enough. But in this case, for them, it's more than enough to make them work. 

**Author's Note:**

> Also omg you guys I forgot to edit out my ideas for another Mpreg fic in the beginning of the fic wtff sjskajnka that's so embarrassing
> 
> I apologise for that but it is gone now haha. How did no one tell me omg. 
> 
> Anyways, I appreciate your support ❤️


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